Hi My Friends!
I hope you’re having a great weekend! Today I’m sharing with you 10 qualities to look for in a dominant. I remember once upon a time when I was new to being submissive and longed for a dominant. Back then I didn’t know if I wanted a Master, Sir, or Daddy. I wasn’t sure if I was a masochist, a kitten, a little, or a slave! Everything felt so new. Fast forward to today and I can tell you that after diving deep into myself, and having two strong D/s relationships, (one of which is still with my Daddy), I can share with you 10 qualities that dominants must possess to be an effective leader.
Now let’s pause for a moment and examine the role of a dominant. How do you know if you’re a dominant? Does it come naturally, or can it be a learned behavior? The word itself means to be powerful or influential. In the world of BDSM, the dominant is a person who does the controlling. They guide their submissive, ensuring their safety and care above all else. The dominant keeps a pulse on their everyday life to make sure that the submissive is thriving. The submissive, in turn, surrenders power and decision-making rights to the dominant. They place their trust in the dom/domme to allow that person to rule over their life. The submissive relinquishes control in their body, mind, and soul. Needless to say, a D/s relationship is a very deep, sincere, and moving bond to create.
Choosing your dominant is an important step to make. I would encourage you to move slowly and with great care before you agree to become a couple. Take time to get to know each other. Although it is exciting and thrilling to meet a dominant who longs to take care of your every need, pause for a moment and slow down. I admit, this is hard to do (especially for Littles). But it’s important that you make sure the dominant is of sound body and mind to be able to take care of you. That said, let’s examine 10 qualities that a dominant should have:
- Patience: Any form of domination requires patience. This is especially true in the world of DDLG where you might have a Little who has difficulty expressing themselves. The Dom/Domme must be able to be patient with you to fully understand your feelings and needs. In turn, try your very best to communicate everything you are thinking and feeling. The more transparent you are, the better off you two will be.
- Commitment: Being a dominant requires a ton of time. A D/s relationship is a lifestyle choice. While many D/s relationships begin as long distance (LDR’s), it still requires the dominant to invest many hours in getting to know who you are, what limits you have, and what preferences you enjoy. Your dom/domme should be just as committed to the D/s lifestyle as you are.
- Maturity & Life Experience: It’s hard to be a dominant, a role which requires the ability to lead and command another person, if you don’t have much life experience. It’s a position that takes a willingness to accept responsibility and to maintain a cool head when things get stressful. You want your dominant to be able to handle your good days… and your bad ones with an even head. Maturity and life experience are the key to helping achieve this goal.
- Good Listening Skills: Littles can talk a mile a minute. Come on, you know we can. (I’m raising my paw over here too). A dominant has to be able to be a good listener. They have to sift through the 25 minutes of rambling, to pick out the 5 minutes worth of true, emotional feelings and then use that to help us. They need to listen when we squeal with joy over doing a task right, and listen when we belly cry on a rough day. Look for a dom/domme who can listen as well as your best friend. When you find a dominant like that, you’re gold.
- Attentive to Fine Details: If we, (the submissives), had the ability to organize, structure, and work out every problem we ever face, then we would have no need for a dominant. A dominant is someone who naturally looks at the fine details in things. They see a pattern in the way you speak and mentally takes notes. They pose critical thinking questions as you ramble because they are actually listening to you. They notice the fine details in the way you dress, or if you changed your hair. They notice if your behavior has altered just slightly and point it out to you. As their sub. your dom/domme wants to keep a watchful eye over every aspect of your life. Look for a dominant who demonstrates the ability to be attentive to the little things in life.
- Be Willing to Discipline: There is an old saying, “he disciplines not from a place of fear or control, but from a place of love”. It is through love that a dominant disciplines his sub. A healthy dominant will have established a punishment with you during the period of creating a contract. (More on contracts in another post). They will have asked you about any triggers, trauma, or hard limits to ensure that the punishment is something effective yet, not damaging to your physical or emotional well-being. Once the rules are established and your training has begun, your dominant must be willing to implement a punishment if/when you break a rule. It isn’t so that they can control for controls sake. Your dominant disciplines you because they long to mold you to be a submissive for them. They yearn to shape you to reach your personal goals, and to help you become a better version of yourself. They will push you to break bad habits that you’ve never been able to do on your own, and when you slip up… then you get punished.
- A Dominant is a Confidant: I cannot stress the importance of this one enough. Communication is the key to a trusting, loving, and open D/s relationship. Your dominant should be someone whom you can confide your innermost feelings to. They should exude warmth and gentleness that allows you to feel like you have a safe space to share your feelings. As the submissive, you need someone who you can open up to emotionally to trust them, knowing that they would never share your secrets with anyone. This is a key quality for a dominant to have. When you build trust and faith in your dominant, then you become more receptive to their commands and rules, and in turn everyone is happy as you blossom and grow together.
- A Dominant is a Teacher and Guide: It isn’t easy for a dominant to establish rules for you. It takes time, listening, and understanding to assess what your needs are. They need to decipher what you long for, and what your personal goals are. They also want you to be a submissive for them, so they need to create rules to mold you (gently) to becoming someone that they wish you to be. This takes time, patience, clear communication, and a steady hand. Your dominant must be willing to assume the role of teacher and guide to lead you on the path to success. Remember, your dominant should be someone who wants to see you thrive and succeed in their training, not someone who lets you fail so that they can punish you.
- Healthy Lifestyle: It’s no secret that the BDSM lifestyle as a whole encourages participants to have a healthy lifestyle. Do you need to be ripped, tan, and drop dead gorgeous? Of course not. But there are positions, activities, etc. that might require you to be strong enough to be able to do them. Your dominant should take their own health seriously. They don’t need to weigh a certain amount or rock a 6-pack. But they should demonstrate that they exercise regularly (so they can push you to do so too!) and to eat a healthy, balanced diet, to be your role model.
- Communicate Clearly and Concisely: Lastly, a dominant must be able to give directions clearly. This is probably one of the most important qualities that a dominant should have. As the person responsible for your life, the rules, etc. in the power exchange, they have to be able to direct you calmly, and clearly to prevent misunderstanding and frustration. They cannot give mixed signals or be wishy-washy in their intentions. Make sure you choose a dominant who can direct you with a firm but gentle hand allowing you to fully understand what they’re asking of you.
I hope you enjoyed these 10 qualities that every dominant should possess! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post and until then, have a wonderful day everyone!