Ten “Red Flags” For You to Avoid When Searching for a Dominant!

Hi My Friends!

A few days ago we discussed “10 Qualities a Dominant Must Have!”. As you’re searching for your mommy or daddy, there will be people that you come across in the lifestyle who seem like a good fit… but something just doesn’t click. We’ve all been there. You go in with an open, and optimistic mindset only to find a “red flag” that makes you back off just as fast. Be kind to yourself. Know that it’s okay to take your time to find the right dominant for you. As such, here are 10 behaviors of dominants that should be a giant “red flag” for you to avoid:


  • Too Much, Too Fast: This dominant asks for pictures within hours of meeting you. You might feel a bit taken aback. Share pictures of yourself to a stranger this soon? Trust your gut. If the dom is ready to get to know you, then why give them your identity so soon? Let the mystery linger and feel them out for as long as you feel comfortable. If he’s asking for pics. (or nude pics!) then hit the road, Jack…
  • The Shark: Did you know that sharks can smell blood in the ocean from miles away? Just like a shark, there are doms who smell out submissives new to the BDSM scene. They target submissives who know very little about the lifestyle because they feel that they will obey them more. Knowledge is power, and these dominants don’t want you to have any. If you meet a dominant who doesn’t want anything to do with you because you know a thing or two about what you want as a little… then just say buh-bye!
  • Condescending: There are a ton of ways to communicate with your little besides being a jerk. Nothing gets me fired up more than someone talking down to me. I don’t know about you, but if you want me to obey, then just ask nicely. Right? If you’re acting all high and mighty, or you treat me like I’m dumb, not only will I not feel little, but I’ll get so angry that you can be sure that I won’t be with you. Steer clear of these types too.
  • Keep-You-In-A-Box: This is a dangerous type of dom/domme. Remember how I said, “knowledge is power”? This type of dom doesn’t want you to have any. The Little community is vast and colorful. There are conventions held throughout the year all over the world and plenty of online forums for you to connect to. This dom doesn’t want you to connect with other littles. They don’t want you to read books on being a little, or take you to conventions to show you off on their arm. They want to keep you hidden away with little knowledge or connection to others. It’s a means of control, and quite frankly, a healthy dom doesn’t need to control you like that to get your attention. If you meet a dom/domme like that, run away fast.
  • The Explosive Type: Just as you wouldn’t flip out and scream at a child, a dom/domme should never lose their temper and scream at their little. In little space you are much more open emotionally. You are wearing your heart on your sleeve, but you can’t if your dom isn’t able to control their temper. If you meet a dom who has a short fuse, walk away as quick as you can and save yourself a lot of heartache.
  • No Dotted Line: A lot of people think that a D/s contract needs to be something formal, legal, and binding. It can be. But usually it’s just a simple word document that both parties type up together that lists hard limits, rules to abide by, soft limits, and most importantly, safe words to be used to stop all play sessions. Remember: being a little is part of the BDSM umbrella. Meaning that many D/s couples also experiment with other kinks and fetishes while in little space as well. It’s great to have a written contract to put everything out there for you and your caregiver to know and understand. If you meet a dom/domme who isn’t willing to write a contract with you, then not only are they being unsafe, but they are neglecting to care for your safety as well. Find a safe word that resonates with you to use in play. Red means stop, now! Yellow means slow down, I need a moment. You get the idea. You need a dom/domme who wants to know these words to better care for your needs. Don’t let some person say, “I’m your dom and therefore I know what your limits are”. Nu uh, honey! Sign the dotted line or I’m out of here! You get the idea.
  • King of Everything: So, you found a dom/domme that you’re screening to be a potential match. That’s good. But then you slowly figure out that they have rules for you. This isn’t a deal-breaker… yet. Except that their rules are a lot of rules. They tell you what to eat, how to dress, and what to call them. Okay, that’s not totally unusual. They tell you how to groom your pubic hair. Now we’re charting into “red flag” territory. They tell you how to spend your free time, and what hobbies you should be doing. Now, we’re out the door. Do you get the idea? There is a difference between having some basic rules that guide you into little space and make you feel little. This is uplifting. But if the dominant’s rules restrict you to the point where you feel stifled then it isn’t going to work. (This is another reason why a contract is so important). Talk it out with your dom and see if you can come to an agreement on the rules. If not, then turn on that cute heel of yours and sashay away!
  • Baby, Baby, Baby: Now, us littles, love a good compliment or twelve, but if you’re scoping out the dom’s and you come across one that slides up to you saying: “hey there baby girl…” …. cringe. Cringe, hard. What makes you, the Dom, think that you can call me your baby girl so soon? Yes, we love being flattered on, swooned over, and spoiled rotten. We are littles, duh! But a little name is sacred ground. Don’t let someone call you any name before the relationship is set. Otherwise he/she can “bye bye bye!”.
  • Using the Relationship as a Means to Control: Oh, this type of dom/domme triggers me so hard, so forgive me if I rant for a moment. There are dominant’s out there who believe that it is perfectly acceptable to use communication (or withholding contact from you) as a means of punishment to the little. This is never… no, let me boldface this… it is never okay to use your D/s relationship as a means of punishment. Healthy dominants will have already read books on how to properly punish their little without breaking them down as a person and harming them emotionally. It’s a fine balance between control and obedience. Withholding communication not only hinders the relationship because you cannot express your feelings to your dom, but it doesn’t allow for conflict resolution. This type of dom wants absolute control and authority over you and doesn’t value your opinion and feelings. Steer clear of such people.
  • Too Much Baggage: It is the role of the dominant to lead and guide you to help you become your best self. It’s a large task for anyone to take on, but dominants are special people who long to care for other people. Arguably they are the kindest, most generous people in the world. Having such a large responsibility means that they have to be grounded themselves. If you sense that a potential dom has their own baggage/ mental health issues, then they won’t be able to guide you properly. There is nothing wrong with having mental health issues, but in a position with such power and responsibility, you need to have your life in order. It’s like the airline announcement before takeoff: please take care of yourself before you try taking care of others. Make sure your future dom/domme is grounded and knows what they want from you before you relinquish control to them.

That’s it from me, for today my friends! 🙂 I hope this list proves helpful to you. Please comment and leave me any tips or other “red flags” that I might have missed on this list. And until then, stay tuned for more exciting posts to come!

~Penny Xx


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