Hi My Friends!
I can laugh about this story now (years later) so I hope it gives you a giggle or two, too. I grew up in a household where sex was a taboo topic. Living with conservative parents, I never had “the talk” nor did I ever really know what a penis looked like. I think about it now and giggle. But back then, a penis was some mysterious thing that eventually I figured I would learn when I became married. Even our school sex education class had a anatomy picture with organs and such. There was never a picture of an actual penis shown. So needless to say, I was oblivious to sex, masturbation, and everything in between. Now let’s fast forward to several years ago. I had finally had sex. I knew what a penis looked like and my kinky side was in full bloom.
It was the start of my journey into BDSM. My ex-dom had found me online and we connected quickly. I had no idea about submission back then so I was clueless as to how a long distance D/s relationship worked. But wow, was I about to learn quickly! We began having play sessions that lead to many delicious orgasms on both sides. And then… he mentioned anal play. “What?!” I said.
Okay, let’s pause here for a moment. Anal play is a whole different ballgame. We watch anal sex in porn (or at least I have) and think, “oh, that can’t be difficult… can it? I mean, the girl is… really getting into it”. Keep in mind, I was still a complete noob to the whole “backdoor play” thing at that time. So, when my ex-dom suggested that we incorporate anal play into our session I waved a hand trying to be cool and said, “sure! let’s do it!”. Oh how I want to facepalm right now….
So, we did. He instructed me to go purchase a butt plug to begin breaking my ass into the sensation. Um… okay, I thought. I had never slipped anything up my rump before. This would be new, uncharted waters. My ass and I have a love/hate relationship. I hate it. Guys love to smack it. But I digress. So I went online and began browsing anal sex toys. My eyes widened. There were so many to choose from! There were beads… and plugs… and tails. Some vibrated and others thrusted. Some were large… small… and there were even anal sex beginner’s kits! I had no idea what I was doing. And then I saw the word that doomed my fate: Sale. Yes, like most girls, my eyes sparkle when I see the word: sale. I think “Ooo… I can get MORE for LESS!”.
So into my cart went a vibrator massage wand complete with the FREE gift of a small butt plug. It sounds innocent enough, right? Here’s where everything goes wrong, my friend. The “free” gift was a tiny, black plug that came in this itsy bitsy, plastic pouch. So when I tore it open, I also tore the tiny hoop on the end of it. The plug itself was intact so I thought little of the minor tear. *sighs* Did you know that the rectum is like a vacuum? Yeah, I didn’t either. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
So after doing some creative yoga moves, into my rump it went and I admit the sensation wasn’t terrible. At first I wondered what the purpose was. During our play session my ex said, “I want you to leave it in all day until I call you tonight”. Okay, easy enough. I slipped it in and went about my day. But then I had a thought, “What do I do if I need to use the restroom?”. I began to panic. Maybe I should just take it out and pretend that I had it in all day? Yes, that was the plan. So I went to pull it out and…. nothing. That little black plug that had been perched so delicately at the entrance of my butt was now…. gone. (Cue me going into a full blown panic attack). No amount of yoga moves, pushing, etc. was getting this thing out. Oh, I tried going “up there” with two fingers to pull it out. And I did feel the silicone just out of reach. Remember that part where I broke the hoop and thought nothing of it? Turns out that that little hoop would be the thing I need to pull it out! Yikes.
So…. I buckled up and decided to drive myself to the E.R. Now, I had to calmly walk into the reception and explain to the nurses that I had a butt plug up my ass and needed help getting it out. I looked like “Fifty Shades of Mortified”. The nurse looked at me. “And what is the purpose of your visit?” she asked politely. “Um…” I said blushing hard and leaned in a bit, “I have a… anal… thing… back… there… that is stuck”. I nodded over my shoulder. She looked at me for a moment and then began typing into her computer. “Rectal issue. Got it. Have a seat” she said calmly. I wanted to die into the floor right there, but quietly walked over to sit down in the waiting area.
A few minutes later they called me back to a private room and I swear as I live and breathe the nurse that helped me was the most bubbly, cheerleader nurse in the world. Here I am, embarrassed at having to re-tell my “issue” to every nurse and doctor and in walks Miss Bubbles. “Hi!” she said in a chipper tone, “So what seems to be the issue today?”. *Sighs… here we go again*. So I retold her the story all over again. “Oh no problem!” she said without missing a beat, “We’ll just give you a shot of morphine”. I began to wonder if this woman ran on shots of espresso. “Does that help?” I asked meekly. “It’ll take the edge off” she said and left it at that. Wait… take the edge off what? What are we taking the edge off OF??? Hello?! They started an IV line… inserted the morphine shot… and y’all… I felt NOTHING. Like, it was as if I had had a glass of water. I didn’t feel a cool, numbing, tingly, sensation. No. I felt as if she had done nothing to me.
“Um, excuse me?” I asked politely, “How long does this take to go into effect?”. The nurse looked at me and actually blinked. “About 10 minutes” she said, “the doctor will be here shortly”. Oh God. The Doctor. It was then that I prayed for the doctor to be ugly. You see, I might have had a serious crush on McDreamy and watched every episode of “Grey’s Anatomy”, so I didn’t want some gorgeous model of a doctor going up my ass to retrieve this stupid plug. No. Give me some old man who has seen every bum in the county! Please let me get an ugly doctor, I prayed. Please let me get an ugly doctor….
And in walks the doctor with a slicked coif, sharply pressed scrubs, that cute little cap thing that looks sexy as hell and… *swoons*… Of course he’s hot! Mentally I began freaking out. “Well it looks like you’ve got your morphine shot” he said with a warm smile, “let’s get you taken care of, alright?”. I swear the way he said alright reminded me of Matthew McConaughey. “Uh huh…” I swooned. Oh, it’s about to get much worse, my friends.
Suddenly, out of no where the doctor nods and Bubbles and another male nurse appear on either side of me. All swooning has abruptly ceased and my eyes widen. What is happening here? “We’re going to go in and manually try to remove the object” the doctor said professionally, “If that fails then we will need to go in surgically, okay?” he said to me. “Wait what? Surgical– what??” I stammered blinking about a million times. “Like… cut me open?” I asked, to which the male nurse nodded. “Wait… I’m sorry… so you will need to cut me open… to get a butt plug out of my ass?!” I yelped, now a bit more blunt and my patience gone. The doctor nodded as he pulled on gloves and a mask. Forget McDreamy, now it was time to do whatever it took to get this plug out because I was NOT about to have to go into surgery.
The two nurses suddenly became like… birthing coaches… as they twisted my body into contorted positions and the doctor and I became VERY well acquainted. I couldn’t even make a “buy me a drink first” joke during the process. No, it was all hands on deck as he slipped his lubricated, gloved hand to retrieve my very, stupid mistake. Remember how they gave me the morphine? I finally learned why in that very moment. This wasn’t a… two fingers and probe your ass pleasurable experience. It was fisting, my friends. FISTING! My virginal ass felt gang-banged and began to sob right along with me. “And it’s out” I heard the doctor say, and Bubbles, the nice male nurse, and I all took a unified sigh of relief. “Would you like to keep–?” the doctor began asking. “NO” I blurted out a bit too harshly, but hey… I had just gotten my ass fisted. So into the bin it went along with my humiliation.
And that is the story of how sex landed me in the E.R. 🙂 I hope you enjoyed it! Stay tuned for more posts!