How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts, Part 1: Be Strong as a Person Before the Partnership [5-Part Series]

Hi My Friends!

Today we are kicking off a five part series on D/s relationships titled, “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts”. Often times when we enter into a D/s relationship, we are eager to dive in headfirst and see how deep the proverbial rabbit hole goes. Getting to know a stranger is exciting! It’s like tearing open a book and soaking up every delicious, new story, right? But can I tell you that in order to create a D/s relationship that lasts… you need to focus on your individuality? That is what we are going to focus on today.


I. Preparing Yourself for Partnership: 

In the greater public there is a common misconception that D/s relationships are all about bondage and sex. They think we tie each other up and flog each other silly. (Go ahead and smirk… I know I am 😉 ). The actual reality is that a D/s bond is one of the deepest types of relationships you can have. It’s a power exchange built on complete and utter trust, that exists between the dominant and submissive in and out of the bedroom. For many, the bedroom doesn’t exist at all. Just as the submissive surrenders their power, allowing the dominant to pry into their mind… so too, does the dominant allow themselves to be exposed emotionally to their sub. You learn the intricacies of what makes your partner tick. You learn their fetishes and kinks. You begin to feel a pattern in their tone and speech and can detect if they’re tired from a long day… or if they’re happy and completely in the moment with you. As you connect closer you’ll be able to open up your partner to sharing pieces of their life that the public wouldn’t otherwise know.

The D/s bond is a sacred one woven together with time and lots of patience. This is why I would urge you not to jump into a relationship haphazardly. It’s okay to be picky about who you choose as your dominant or submissive. You need to be picky. You cannot be expected to jump around from Dom to Dom, or Sub to Sub sharing pieces of your innermost self only to lose the relationship months or weeks later. This simply isn’t sustainable. Allow yourself to move carefully and to choose your partner with great care and thought. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The true strength of long-lasting D/s relationships comes from the people within it. When two people are strong as individuals, they can come together to form a very strong connection. They know who they are, and what they want from their partner. They can convey their feelings which makes the relationship that much more stable. And the more stable the relationship is, the easier it is for the Little to submit.

II. Work on Your Issues Before You Commit: 

I always tell people that it’s okay to not be okay. In fact, it’s healthy to state to someone you trust, that in this moment you’re just not feeling great. So, too, when entering a D/s relationship, you don’t need to have your issues completely handled. However, it is important that you are willing to work on your issues. It’s okay to move with baby steps towards recovering from trauma or mental health issues. The point is that you are trying. You are moving in a positive direction to focus on being the best you that you can be, and that should be the focus. If you happen to be a solo Little or dominant, take this time of singleness for self-reflection. Many people become disillusioned in thinking that a D/s relationship will solve their problems. “Oh, but daddy will love me, and cuddle me, and make me feel SOOOO much better!” is what I hear all the time. And yes, we all love to have comfort from our dominants. But can it replace or fix the issues you’re facing? No, my friend, sadly it cannot. As someone with anxiety who deals with this battle on a daily basis, I can tell you that I do not use my Daddy as the primary outlet for coping with my mental health. Little Space should not be a substitute for professional mental health services.

Let’s examine this another way. Think about what the roles and responsibilities of a dominant are. (If you’re unsure, you can go back to yesterday’s post about dominants and read through that for more clarification). Being a dominant is hard work. They need to juggle their daily life plus assume the role of dominant in mentoring and guiding their submissive in his/her life too. That’s a lot of responsibility! Now add in mental health issues to the mix. Your dominant should never replace a licensed therapist, and while using Little Space to soothe your mind and make you feel happy and joyful is one thing, don’t fall into the trap of using Little Space to not address your issues. Trust me on this one. ❤

As you’re confronting your issues in this period of self-reflection try and examine yourself as the world sees you. After all, if you’re a single dominant or submissive, you will be scoping out for a partner just as much as people are looking at you! Do you like what you see in yourself? Is there anything that you wish to change now before you connect with your partner? Would YOU want to date you? This is just food for thought.

III. Using Your Time of “Singleness” to Your Advantage: 

If you’re already in a D/s relationship I believe that you can still benefit from turning inward to examine yourself as an individual within the relationship and take tips from this section. Take time for yourself and begin to incorporate acts of self-love. What makes you unwind and relax? What things lift your mood and set your mind at ease? Is there a place that you retreat to that makes you feel calm? Do you enjoy using new products in the shower to pamper yourself? Do you love taking a long nap to feel refreshed? Whatever self-love looks like for you, do it. Take time to nurture your body, mind, and soul which will put you in a calm mental space for self-reflection. Over time, you will begin to find things that you admire about yourself. You will learn to truly love yourself. This is so important to establish to have a lasting D/s relationship, because when you love yourself completely, then that love can spill over to your partner from a genuine place. You won’t be looking for fault in your partner, when really deep down you feel hyper critical about yourself. You will be at peace with who you are, and love every aspect about yourself. Your mind will feel lighter and less stressed, which in turn allows you to focus on the relationship more fully.

Focus on what needs you’ve been neglecting. It might be getting a proper nights rest, or having a balanced, healthy diet. Whatever those needs are, zero in on them and begin to make small changes to improve yourself. Rediscover the skills and qualities you already possess, that make up who you are. These are things that you can share in your D/s relationship. If you love to cook, make a meal for your dom or sub. If you know how to make music, play them a song. Next, surround yourself with people (be it in person or online) that uplift and support your personal growth. Who you hang around matters. You want people in your corner who are cheering you on as you work on yourself. Think about qualities in people who you admire. Are these qualities that you would like in a future dominant or Little? Write the qualities down and make a list to share with your future partner! 🙂

As you explore yourself I encourage you to move slowly and with great care. Being a dominant or submissive isn’t easy, but anyone is capable of having a lasting relationship if they are willing to work on themselves. Stop looking for the “right one” and instead choose to become the “right one” for your partner, or future partner. Be kind to yourself as you make gentle changes within you. Know that you are already enough! You are worthy of a healthy, loving, and fulfilling D/s relationship. I know that as you’re working hard on yourself as an individual, you’re going to be so busy on yourself that one day you’ll discover someone who has been working hard on themselves too. In that moment you’ll come together as two strong pieces to make one bond. And that, my friends, is what makes a relationship last. ❤

I hope you enjoyed reading this post. Stay tuned for more tomorrow. In tomorrow’s post we will be focusing on getting a clear vision of what you want in a D/s relationship (even if you’re already in one!). Until then, I’m sending big hugs and much love your way!

~Penny Xx


  1. Thank you for this, I see that in a D/s relationship is good and amazing to be able to understand not only yourself but the world around you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! Thanks for the great comment, lil’ monster! 🙂 Having self-awareness, and loving yourself first will allow you to pour that much more love into your Daddy/Mommy. We submit from a place of genuine love because we are already strong ourselves. Have an awesome day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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