How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts, Part 2: Get a Clear Vision of What You Want in a Relationship [5-Part Series]

Hi My Friends!

Today we are kicking off part 2 in a series titled, “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts”. Today I want to focus on getting a clear vision of what you want in a relationship. Once you’ve done the groundwork of introspection and have begun to grow more self-aware, then it’s time to start thinking about what type of relationship you’d like to have with a partner.

I. Aim for the Type of Relationship You Want: 

We all want some sort of connection with others in this world. How we envision our D/s relationship might be entirely different but it’s important that we aim ourselves towards the type of relationship we want. In the process of doing so, it’s vital to ask ourselves, “what type of dom or sub am I?”. Are you a Top, Master/Mistress, Owner, or Daddy/Mommy? Each form of domination is drastically different and will lead you towards different social circles. Likewise, if you are submissive you should question what type of path of submission you’re drawn to. Are you a slave, submissive, masochist, Little, Princess, Brat, kajira, or domestic servant? The path you choose should be one that excites you. It should tingle your senses and arouse your mind. There has to be a natural inclination towards your path of domination or submission for it to be a fit.

Another important question to answer when aiming for the type of relationship you want is, “what form of communication works best for my lifestyle?”. Are you looking for a face to face relationship? Or do you want something long distance and online? Do you want sex to be a part of the relationship or are you entirely non-sexual? These are things you’ll want to bring up immediately as you begin to meet others in the community. You’ll also want to discuss with potential partners why you feel that you’re a dom or sub. What are your intentions for wanting to be someones Mommy or Daddy? Or, why do you want to submit to a Mommy, Daddy, or Master? After taking a period of self-reflection you should have this answer available to discuss in depth. Be upfront with your reasons. The more transparent you are with a potential partner, the smoother the conversation will flow.

As you aim for the type of relationship you want, you’ll need to begin networking both online and in person to begin to meet others in the community. This is a great opportunity to ask seasoned dominants or Littles what their lifestyle is like. Pick their brains and get some good feedback. Usually people in the Cg/l community are very welcoming towards new faces. For the sake of this blog, the resources below are geared towards dominants wishing to pursue the path of Mommy or Daddy, or Littles wanting to integrate into the DDLG/LB Community. Here are some excellent forums which I recommend visiting and checking out:

DDLG Informational Websites and Forums: 

DDLG Books To Have On Your Shelf: 

  1. “The Big Book For Littles: Tips & Tricks for Age Players and Their Partners” By: Penny Barber and Mako Allen
  2. “The Age Play and Diaper Fetish Handbook” By: Penny Barber
  3. “Diaper Discipline and Dominance” By: Evelyn Hughs
  4. “There’s Still a Baby In My Bed!: Learning to Live Happily with the Adult Baby in Your Relationship” By: Rosalie Bent
  5. “Coffee With Rosie: Why Does My Partner Want to Wear Diapers?” By: Rosalie Bent
  6. “Articles on Being an Adult Baby” By: Michael Bent
  7. “The Adult Baby’s Guidebook: The Life Struggles of the Perpetually Diapered” By: Brian B.F. Burch
  8. “Adult Babies: Psychology and Practices: Discovering the structure, motivation, and needs of the adult baby” By: Michael Bent
  9. “Littles: A Caregiver’s Guide (BDSM Guides 101)” By: Savannah Belle and Lyra Leigh
  10. “Big Me, Little Me: A Survival Guide For Littles By Littles” By: Penny Berry (That’s me!)

II. There’s No “One Size Fits All” in D/s Relationships: 

Let’s be real honest for a moment. We live in a “thirsty” society. Sex sells and marketers know this. That’s why Kim Kardashian’s butt broke the internet and why companies parade stick-thin Littles in onesies all over Instagram. But I would encourage you to not be blinded by what you see on social media when looking for a partner. You need to find the right match for YOU. This means being realistic about who you are, what you want, and what you can reasonably contribute to the relationship. For example, take into account your daily schedule, social networks, and ask yourself, “how much time can I reasonably give to my D/s relationship?”. For some, they may only be able to handle a part-time arrangement, while others are looking for a full-time live-in partner. Be ready to share this information with potential partners up front.

Although we live in a “swipe right” society, you will need to focus on what traits, kinks, qualities, attributes, etc. that you want in a partner in order to create a lasting relationship. Remember, everyone ages. Eventually your skin will get loose and things will begin to sag. If you build a D/s relationship based upon looks, then like a pair of breasts… it’s going to go South slowly but surely. Think about what type of personality you want your partner to have. She may look like a 9, but if she opens her mouth and you end up facepalming, well… it’s just not going to work.

III. You Know if a Relationship is Meant to Be if it is Helping You: 

Many times people enter into relationships only to fall into common pitfalls. (We’ve all done it. Myself included). So I want to point out common mistakes that people make that can really harm a relationship. If you see any of these red flags, it’s important to point them out to your partner immediately to try and changes things before it worsens.

Common Pitfalls Dominants Make: 

  • They stonewall the submissive when they are angry. All communication ceases and they refuse to open up emotionally despite their sub. apologizing profusely.
  • They criticize their submissive too much, leaving the sub. to feel like nothing he/she does is right.
  • They want too much, too fast. This dominant asks for pictures within hours of meeting a submissive online. They might even go so far as to ask for nude pictures too.
  • They channel their anger out on the submissive. The dominant might be frustrated about work, but they come home and use their playroom toys to punish the submissive to get out aggression. This is never okay and is viewed as abuse in our community.

Common Pitfalls Submissives Make: 

  • They become very clingy to the point where they display signs of attachment issues. They cry, become anxious, or fearful when the dominant leaves the room or has to go to work.
  • They brat too much. While a brat wants to be punished, hence why they intentionally push the dominants buttons, this type of submissive is acting up because they are usually upset about something else entirely.
  • They want ALL of the dominant’s attention. This type of submissive takes clingy to an entirely different level. They want to know what their dom is up to all the time. They cling so much that slowly the dominant stops seeing their outside friends and loses contact with their social circle because they are pouring so much time and energy into their sub.
  • They become too moody and don’t want to communicate. One of the most common issues that D/s couples face is having to clearly communicate all the time. This type of submissive doesn’t communicate their feelings openly, and instead their behavior is all over the place leaving the dominant frustrated and confused as they try to help their sub. in a never-ending struggle.
  • They expect the dominant to fix every problem. I always say there is a GIANT difference between a submissive and a sugar baby. A submissive is ready to do the hard work to keep a relationship going. They are eager to please their dominant. A sugar baby wants someone to take care of them, and they don’t want to do the work.

Now that we’ve identified the common pitfalls that dominants and submissives make, let’s flip to the other side of the spectrum and examine healthy qualities in dom’s and sub’s. Having a partner with these qualities will allow the relationship to grow and be a benefit to your life. You won’t have a constant level of stress from the relationship because your partner is just as invested into making things work as you are. In short, the relationship will be helping you!

Signs of a Healthy Dominant: 

  1. Patient
  2. Emotionally Mature
  3. A Good Listener
  4. Attentive to Details
  5. Willing to Discipline
  6. Confident
  7. Be able to Mentor/Guide
  8. Can Communicate Clearly and Concisely
  9. Be willing to work on themselves

Signs of a Healthy Submissive: 

  1. Self-aware
  2. Patient
  3. Compassionate/loving
  4. Eager to please
  5. Hard-working
  6. Humble
  7. Forth-coming
  8. Optimistic
  9. Confident

As you’re connecting with potential partners think about how the conversations make you feel. If they leave you feeling happy, uplifted, and fulfilled… then I would say you’re on the way to forming a truly, strong D/s Relationship. Stay tuned for Part 3 tomorrow, everyone! In tomorrow’s post we will focus on the “True Laws of Attraction” and how to get the partner you want! I hope you all enjoyed this post and until tomorrow!

~Penny Xx

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