How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts, Part 3: Understanding the Laws of True Attraction [5 Part Series]

Hi My Friends!

Today we are diving into part 3 of, “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts”. Our focus today will be on understanding how to pursue a potential partner, and to do so in a way that ensures that the relationship will last. I remember the day when a friend told me about a then-new app. called Tinder. Single people upload their profile picture, give some basic stats about themselves, and then app users can swipe right or left depending upon if they like what they see in your profile picture. Wait… what?! This formula doesn’t take into account anything about the person, their beliefs, etc. But that is our society today. We use social media and texting as opposed to having real conversations. This attitude can bleed over into people looking for a D/s relationship, and if I’m being completely honest… it’s not the best route to go.

D/s relationships are incredibly deep, and rightly so, since it is a power exchange between both parties. The dominant works just as hard as the submissive, but you can’t have that lasting connection unless you get to know the person, right? So, I want to focus on 5 steps for singles to take to find that D/s partner and form a connection that lasts.

I. Step 1: Moral Compass

I love the phrase, “don’t stick your dick in crazy”. They really need a saying like that for females too, but I think you know where I’m going with this. While you’re out there scoping for a dominant or submissive, you have to get to know who they are as a person. Ask them what their kinks are. Find out what their life is like, and what they do for a living. Dive into their mind and watch their pattern of speech. Listen to the tone they use when speaking, and then determine if their compass aligns with yours. My Daddy only told me years down the road, that on our first date he noticed immediately that I was courteous to the wait staff at the restaurant. To me, it was a given. But to him, he admired that I was kind to people who you don’t necessarily need to be kind to. In other words, one part of his compass that he was looking for to align with mine, was manners. Look at their morals and values. You have to line up together to make a strong relationship foundation.

II. Step 2: Look at their social circle 

Alright, so you found a dominant and mmpf… are they fine! Or, maybe you found a submissive who really fires you up! That’s great! But now, you need to inch closer and find out what their day to day life is like. Who do they hang around? Are they a family-oriented person? Do they have specific morals, values, and religious practices that might impact your D/s play? Who you hang around, matters. Watch how they interact with people. Are they a giant flirt who might be entertaining more then one daddy or mommy? Or are they shy and very withdrawn? Your social networks are a part of the framework in the connection. As you grow closer, you’ll want to share if you need time to be with your outside friends and family. Be open and forthcoming. This is important to establish in the beginning.

III. Step 3: Psychological

Okay, so you found someone who seems balanced, kind, and has the same values as you. You’ve looked at their social network and they seem very chill and have hobbies and friends. Now it’s time to get to know their mind. One of the most important aspects in a D/s relationship is communication. I would dare say that we communicate more than most vanilla couples. Why? Because play sessions in Little Space (or other forms of play) often involve communicating as a couple. There are safe words that have been established. Long before the relationship began, there was a contract drawn up between both parties. In this time of getting to know each other it’s important to dive into the deeper, more raw parts of the mind.

Be open and willing to discuss any traumatic events that might trigger pain or discomfort during play. In doing so, you can establish hard limits. As the dominant, you will need to create a space where the Little feels comfortable opening up to you. Come in with the mindset of acceptance and understanding. It isn’t easy to tell someone point blank what your kinks and fetishes are. But it’s so important that they know. If there are mental health issues or physical illnesses that impact you (whether you’re the dom or sub) these should be discussed as well. I cannot stress enough the importance of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your potential partner. It’s okay to lay everything out on the table with your partner. They need to know what to expect to help guide and mentor you in the relationship.

IV. Step 4: Emotional 

We often talk about how we feel. “Oh, my mommy/daddy makes me feel so…” is such a commonly used phrase. (I know I do it often too). But the reality is that you cannot base a D/s relationship on feelings. There has to be a core foundation built on beliefs, morals, values, similar social networks and connections, similar kinks and interests, BEFORE you allow yourself to get emotionally involved. As you dive into their mind and open up to being vulnerable yourself, only then will you feel the true emotions come. We say, “I love you” because we want to express to someone just how much we care. But love isn’t a feeling. Not really. Love is an action. It’s a choice! We choose to demonstrate daily that we love someone. We act kindly towards them. We do small things for them without expecting reciprocation. We remember their likes and dislikes and in doing so, we go out of our way to put their needs first, making them feel more comfortable. That is love.

As you connect with a D/s partner those feelings will come rushing to the surface. Know and allow yourself to feel that burning passion and lust that is at the start of every strong relationship. Bask in it for what it is: an intense feeling at the beginning of a connection. Then know that as time goes on and you fall deeper into the relationship, that burning flame is replaced by something even deeper. An enriching, honest, calm, loyal, steady sense of certainty that you chose your partner. In the BDSM world you will see the words “you are mine” a lot. We say, “you are mine”, not because of the power exchange. We say, “You are mine” because it is words that have been earned. By the time you hear it too, you will have given all of yourself in every aspect of your life. You mentor and guide your Little through the many good days, and some dark ones. You surrender yourself to your dominant because you will have reached a place of understanding where you know that they will guard and protect your heart. It takes time, patience, and a lot of careful selection in choosing the right mate for you. It’s okay to be picky when choosing your dom/sub!

V. Step 5: Physical

*Whistles low* Now I don’t think I need to tell you that when you have the heart, spirit, and mind all synced up that the body is eager to follow. Even if you’re a non-sexual Little, there is immense joy in being cuddled by your dominant while being bottle-fed. (More on that in another future post! <3) But if sex is a part of your relationship you will feel that much more at ease, surrendering your body to your dom because they will already have your heart. The sex and foreplay will feel gratifying and rewarding for you both because there is also emotional investment on both sides. I want to put it out there that you can have delicious, naughty, rough sex while still feeling emotionally connected. In fact, after being fucked hard… it’s not uncommon to feel a surge and crash of adrenaline leading the sub to openly cry or feel vulnerable. This just means that you were so in the moment, and now you need gentle, loving aftercare from your dominant.

If you take nothing else from this lengthy post, then please remember this: there is an order in which most long-lasting D/s couples take that forms a bond built for the right reasons. It’s not about looks. It’s not about what kinks you’re into, or how long you can keep an erection. As cheesy as it sounds, it really is about what’s inside. Anyone can be bent into a pretzel and fucked, but not everyone is the right fit for YOU! Do the work and find a dom/sub that fits your needs in all of the right areas.

That’s it from me today, my friends! Thank you for sticking around to read this post ❤ Stay tuned tomorrow when we talk about having the right tools to navigate D/s conflict! 😉 It’s sure to be a juicy one. Until then, stay tuned and have a wonderful day!

~Penny Xx

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