Hi My Friends!
Today is the final piece in the series we’ve been covering, “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts”. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing with you the intricate process of building a strong foundation to your D/s relationship that will last over time. Today we are going to focus on something we all love to think about… SEX! Yes! 🙂 (Go ahead and smile… I know I am). Yes, we are going to dive into talking about sex and how to go about incorporating sex into your D/s relationship– the right way. *Gasps* Does that mean that there’s a wrong way? Well, yes and no. Let’s examine this closer.
I. Sex, Connections, and Ghosting, Oh My!:
Have you ever wondered why when you strike up a conversation with someone, go on a date, have a delicious romp between the sheets, and then don’t hear from them afterward… you’re left feeling torn? Have you ever broken off a D/s relationship and wondered why it hurts so bad? I know I have. Let’s focus on the sexual aspect for a moment. When you sleep with a partner/date, etc. you form a connection. In that moment, no matter how rough and wild it might be, there is a connection established between the two of you. I’m not saying you’re thinking wedding bells or anything, but somewhere inside of you there is an emotional component that is established. Now if you’re interested in more then just a one night stand, and the person doesn’t reciprocate, then it can sting a bit. But why? Let’s examine the “three-fold cord” concept. When you have sex with another, there is the physical aspect involved. There is also an emotional component established too. Lastly, there is a spiritual connection formed, and this is what really messes with people.
In a D/s relationship (as we’ve discussed in previous posts) the level of intimacy is great. The dominant is just as emotionally vulnerable as the submissive as the connection deepens. If the relationship is established in a healthy way, then there is great emotional depth between both parties. But what happens when the relationship ends? You have a dom/sub, you end up having sex, you have opened up personal thoughts and feelings…. and then things sour. Why does it hurt so much? This is because a part of you was “torn” from the other person. This is the spiritual component. The connection you had was literally ripped away and now you’re left to mend and move on.
In the Cg/l community, incorporating sex with Littles is a very big deal. Often times (and I’m speaking generally here), Littles are highly emotional people. They feel deeply and this includes intercourse. The dominant should be aware that any sort of sexual activity will make the Little fall that much harder. If you, (the dominant) aren’t sure that you want to have a true, lasting connection with your Little, do NOT have sex with them. The mental and emotional damage will be significant if you are intimate and then the relationship crashes. As such, it is important that both parties determine if incorporating sex into the connection is appropriate and the timing is right. There are plenty of D/s couples who are 100% Non-sexual and still have deep, meaningful relationships. Remember: The Cg/l community is a lifestyle. It’s not all about sex. But when you do have sex, know that it will be rewarding and very powerful between you both.
Now I want to pause here and talk about ghosting for a moment. I was oblivious to the term until about a year or so ago when an internet friend of mine dropped off of the planet after speaking closely for more than a year. We had finally video chatted and then suddenly… he poofed! I was gobsmacked. And that was when I learned about the term: ghosting. Ghosting, (if you’re new to the term), is when one person wants to cut things off but they don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings, so they just abruptly cease contact. Forgive me for a moment, because I’m literally facepalming over here. Does anyone out there who actually ghosts people think that this method is healthy? Do people believe that the other person who gets ghosted is sitting there thinking, “Hmm… maybe they are just really, super busy?”. NO! Absolutely not! You immediately turn inward and question everything from your physical appearance, to what you spoke about in the last conversation. In short, ghosting doesn’t allow for closure. It’s a cowardly thing to do in this fast-paced age of the internet and apps. It would crush a Little to be ghosted by someone they were intimate with. In sum, it’s a d*** move. Just don’t do it.
II. The Problem with DDLG Porn:
Ah, porn. Now there’s something we can all relate to, right? I’m sure most of us fancy a bit of porn every now and then. Maybe you (as I have) looked at DDLG porn? If so, then you’ll know exactly what I’m about to discuss. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that porn is bad. Porn isn’t bad. It’s great for masturbation, looking at people doing some pretty crazy s***, and sometimes… it’s just fun entertainment while you’re awake late at night. That said, when a person confuses what they see in DDLG porn, and tries to mimic that in real life, then you have an issue. Most of the time the actors in DDLG porn are not a part of our community. The tiny little “spinners” (yes, this is a porn industry word used to describe tiny girls who can “spin” on a cock) with bouncy pigtails hardly represents the range of real Littles in our community. Their behavior of humping a plushie (no I’m not kidding) or pouring milk down their naked body isn’t anywhere remotely close to a real Littles behavior.
So if a person chooses to become a dominant and the only frame of reference they have to DDLG is porn… then they will struggle badly. The BDSM community as a whole is a highly educated bunch of individuals who stress the importance of safety and communication. There are porn scenes in BDSM Porn that are just flat-out not safe! The actors use the props incorrectly and this gives the public misinformation about our lifestyle. DDLG porn in particular is highly detrimental to Middles. So often in the Cg/l community we hear discussions about Littles and Adult Babies. But what about Middles? What about the people who regress to a young adolescent? The porn industry has done a fine job creating the illusion of naughty teacher-student scenarios, or “young stepdaughter sits on daddy’s lap”, etc. These types of videos present the mindset that Middles are all about sex, when in reality, there are non-sexual Middles as there are Non-sexual Littles or babies.
III. Sex Can Be Rough, Kinky, and Beautiful:
Now that I’ve gotten the harmful information out of the way, let’s focus on how sex is amazing in a D/s relationship! 🙂 If you happen to be in a long distance relationship there are plenty of ways to incorporate sexual activity into the relationship that keeps both parties satisfied. You can video chat and partake in mutual masturbation. There are even sex toys that allow for remote control via an app! Imagine having your sub slip a vibrator into her princess parts while you (the dominant) control the settings from your desktop. Oh, the possibilities! I also feel that sexting is a great way to keep things spicy when you’re apart. Dominants can give juicy tasks for their submissive, or the sub can send a naughty picture while you two are apart. Tap into your inner wordsmith and tell your Mommy/Daddy just how much you want them! 😉
If you and your Little are into bondage, there are many ways to incorporate it gently into a play session. Look online for padded restraints and cuffs with fur that will allow for control over your Littles body without much pain. Many Littles aren’t masochists, but you might be surprised that once he/she is tied up… they want to get a bit rough too! (Snuggle up and discuss it at length before you dive in together. And don’t forget your safe words!). Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of switching up positions. If you’re like me with a booty or some “fluff” somewhere else, then grab some pillows and use them to prop yourself up. There are many ways to modify a sex position so that you can get deeper penetration and try something new. Once you find what works for you, then you can jackhammer away! 😉 (Stay tuned for more future posts on specific sex positions to try).
IV.: The Importance of Aftercare:
Rough, wild sex can be just as emotionally bonding (if not more so) then the simple missionary position. There is a misconception that rough = emotionally distant, but in fact, when you’re surrendering power there is greater trust placed in the dominant to care for your needs. After you have a play session it is critical to care for your submissive and make sure they feel loved, protected, and nurtured. Hold them close as you tenderly love on their body. Kiss each bruise or mark that you placed and thank them for their service. Guide them into a hot shower as you rinse them clean and slip them into fresh pajamas. Little Space doesn’t need to stop once the orgasm does. Aftercare can be an incredible way to continue the intimacy between you both. Ensure your sub that they are truly cherished by you. When you care for their needs body, mind, and soul… the sex is truly fulfilling.
That’s it from me for today! Stay tuned for another post tomorrow and until then, keep smiling my friends!