Why D/s Break Up’s Are So Painful.. [BDSM Discussion]

Good Morning My Friends,

Today I want to dive into a subject that isn’t spoken about often, but is widely seen: break up’s. Anyone who has been in the lifestyle for a while probably has had a break up (or two) under their belt. It’s no easy feat to conquer. But I want to discuss why, unlike a vanilla relationship, a D/s relationship break up is particularly painful. From personal experience, I have had one nasty D/s break up. I remember the absolute pain, loss, and feeling of emptiness that was associated with losing my then-Dom. It felt horrible.

In a vanilla relationship, we are already pre-programmed by society to understand the natural progression (and conclusion) of a relationship. You get together. You date. If that works, then you get engaged. Then you get married. And then you have kids. In fact, as children we sing that song on the playground: “Charlie and Susie, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes… love. Then comes… marriage. Then comes… baby”… You get the idea. We are hardwired from an early age to think in what society deems is a linear progression of a relationship.

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But the dynamics of a D/s relationship don’t follow that expectation. There are many, many D/s couples that are together in a contractual agreement. There is love, yes. But there is an understanding that there will never be marriage. There isn’t courting either. But there are play sessions. Passion-fueled play sessions with just as much depth and intensity as any amazing vanilla date. In a D/s relationship the emotional walls are ripped away from an early start as the dominant presses the sub to divulge their kinks, fetishes, fears, tastes, and likes. There isn’t the “icebreaker question” dance that most vanilla couples have to go through. By having so few (if any) emotional barriers, the power exchange is established and the relationship progresses quickly. There isn’t a “wait until date 3 to kiss” rule. No. If the dom wants to kiss their sub… then they will. Period. The sub, in turn, thrives on the unexpected. They crave the loss of control, never knowing what their dominant has in store for them.

They yearn to serve and in doing so, feel free. A true sub allows themselves to fall, and fall hard. They push themselves to do acts of kindness and love for their dominant because all they want is for them to be happy. They crave their happiness. Their entire senses are attuned to their dom. They constantly look to see if they’ve messaged on their phone. Or their eyes flick across the room to make sure their needs are met. They think about them often, and are prepared to give their body over (if that is part of the contract) at the dom’s whim and desire. It’s just how we do things.

Which is why… when a D/s relationship ends… it can be so painful.

As a general rule of thumb, I tend to be more of a modest Little. I take my time and don’t come across as overly sexual. That’s not to say that I don’t have sexual urges, because of course I do. But in the loss of my first D/s relationship, and the grief that followed, I realized the power that this dynamic holds. It’s smart to ease into it. It’s wise to allow yourself the time to slowly explore each kink. For anyone new to the lifestyle, I would encourage you to do the same. You dive in, hoping for the best, but know that there could be an end. (Note: if you haven’t read my 5-part series “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts” I would encourage you to do so. I go into much more depth there about how to build a D/s relationship that has a solid foundation).

So what happens when a relationship does end? You’re a Little and suddenly you have no daddy or mommy. You’re a dominant who had their special Little One and suddenly… you don’t. The ability to care for another is gone… or the repressed fears of being abandoned suddenly come bubbling to the surface and you’re faced with a break up head on. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But you’re NOT alone. Many of us within the community have faced this type of pain, and if you’re going through a break up right now here are some things that I would encourage you to do:

  1. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Sit with the feelings and process. In the end, you and your partner came together with the intention of making a lasting D/s relationship. Sadly, it didn’t work out. But once you process the loss, only then will you find the underlying peace in which you can think of them and wish them nothing but the best in the future.
  2. Try and make some friends. If a relationship isn’t something you want to approach right now, then try making some friends in our community! There are plenty of forums (DDLG Friends, LittleSpace Online, etc.) that have people chatting all the time. There are also tons of us on social media outlets. (I’m on Instagram @littlepennyberry… come say hi!). Get out there and meet other people just like you. Developing a small support network will help you ease through the pain.
  3. Realize that having a partner does NOT define you as a dom or sub. You don’t need a Little to be a daddy/mommy nor do you need a dom to be a Little. You are who you are, simply because you’re you! If you’re a Solo Little new to the lifestyle, think about doing some solo training. (Or see my guide on the right hand sidebar under Solo Littles). Or, allow yourself to go into Little Space all on your own! Find hobbies that make you feel Little, yet happy, and get going. Don’t think that you need a dom hovering over you to sit on the floor and color. You can be Little without any caregiver watching over you. If you’re a single Dom, focus on your self-awareness! In part 1 of my relationship series, I discuss how the key to a lasting D/s relationship is having self-awareness FIRST. This is your time as a solo dominant to discover why you’re a dom… to read and learn from others in the community… and to explore kinks, fetishes, domination styles, etc. that interest you. Don’t sit idly waiting to get a sub. Start working on yourself! You’ll be glad that you did.
  4. Lastly, do not let your break up define your future. Your heart hurts, and my friend, I completely understand that. Eat the chocolate cupcake. Let out a bunch of tears. Sit with the grief. But then… slowly… take a baby step forward to nurse yourself with love and kindness. Know that your break up is merely one stepping stone in your journey. The path to understanding the world of BDSM and DDLG is different for everyone. Tell yourself that you will find another partner one day. You don’t need to rush it. You have all the time in the world. Rejoice and know that you’re going to be just fine. Until then, look up. Tomorrow is a new day. A brighter day. A chance for you to love yourself and help heal your heart. Lean on the community and let us help you too.

Alright that’s it from me, my friends! I hope you enjoyed this post and until next time, keep smiling! ❤

~Penny Xx

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