Dom 101 Series, Part I.: So You Want to be a Dom, eh? [BDSM 101 Discussion]

Hi My Friends!

Today we are diving into a new series, “Dom 101: The Role of a Dominant and How to Be an Effective Leader”. If you missed my last series, “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts” I would encourage you to go back and read through that 5-part series, as it goes hand in hand with this one. Today we will be scratching the surface of the psychology behind domination to answer the following questions:

  • What is the true role of a dominant?
  • What are a dominant’s goals?
  • What is the pattern of every healthy play session?
  • How can you increase pleasure in your submissive?
  • And what skills should you be zeroing in on as you move forward as a new dom?

I. The True Role of a Dominant: 

Sadly, much of society’s perception of a dominant comes from Hollywood movies, specifically Fifty Shades of Grey. But if we’re being honest and transparent here, Christian Grey did a horrible job at portraying the true role of a dominant. So let’s start at square 0 and undo everything you think you know about being a dominant. Just as a submissive slips into a state of mind to serve, so too does a dominant slip into a state of mind to lead. Being a dominant is a role. It is the appearance that you are in charge of the entire situation with your submissive. And you are, except that your submissive holds the “true power”. Now before you click away, let me explain why. A dominant can only lead their sub, if the sub is willing to follow. Or in other words, you can’t be a leader by yourself! Therefore, it is the job of the dominant to open up their sub to submit to them. Your submissive can walk away from the bond at any time, but if you’re a good dominant and an effective leader, then they won’t… and they will continue to stay and serve you.

Motto: The submissive is in control, but a true dominant knows how to please their submissive by giving her the discipline she wants, and craves, to then serve and submit to him. (Source: Matthew Larocco)

na-daddy

II. A Dominant’s Goals:

It is a fluid shift in power. The submissive holds the key, but over time you gently take it from their hand as they surrender to you. And it is the feeling of knowing that you’re helping your sub thrive, grow, and change into becoming the best that they can be, that keeps the dominant fulfilled. But it all starts with your sub’s pleasure. As the dominant you have three main goals:

  1. Earn your submissive’s true love.
  2. Make your submissive love the discipline that you administer
  3. Make your submissive crave your attention

Now let’s break each of these goals down. When I refer to the word “love”, I don’t mean “let’s run away and get married” love. I’m referring to true love, as in the verb. True love is an action. It’s something that is expressed from one person to another. You can say, “I love you” a million times, but if that love isn’t shown with actions then it can’t be felt, right? Yes, love is a feeling but that feeling stems from actions taken to demonstrate the love that is held. So, too, should such a love be cultivated between you and your submissive. You have to show your sub that you love her. (Note: A submissive can be male or female, but for the sake of keeping things simple I will use the pronouns she/her in this post, but please be aware that any gender/identity can be a sub).

So how do you earn your sub’s true love? Praise them when they do something right. Get to know them on an intimate level and delve into their mind. Discover what their fantasies, kinks, fetishes, and curiosities are. Discipline them from a place of love not control when they make a mistake or test your authority. Which brings us to the next goal of getting your submissive to love the discipline that you administer. There are some submissives who crave being disciplined. They often will label themselves as brats. But, there are many other submissives who don’t want to break a rule. By their very nature, they are people who strive to adhere to the law, rules, etc. and so discipline can quickly become problematic if it is not established in the proper way at the start of the relationship. Here are 6 tips to bear in mind when establishing punishment and discipline with your sub.:

  1. Do consult with your submissive as to what punishment type you wish to use. There may be past trauma and limitations that a form of punishment can trigger. The aim of punishment is to gently correct behavior without inflicting lasting trauma or distress.
  2. Do be mindful of the language you use when handing out your punishment. You can be firm, but gentle which will invoke emotions within your sub to listen to you. Choose a volume that is comfortable, yet still allows you to sound serious and in control. Never degrade your submissive for any reason, especially during punishment.
  3. Do encourage your submissive to adhere to your rules. Take the time to explain each rule (as you’re establishing them together) as to why you are creating the rule. This will help your sub to understand that it is from a place of love, not control or power, that you are guiding and leading them.
  4. Don’t use punishment as a means to further dominate your sub. A true dominant knows that the sub ultimately holds the power, but they don’t feel insecure because they know how to control their sub to keep them in the palm of their hand. They don’t need to use fear or threats to control their sub. Any form of this is abuse and is not tolerated in the BDSM community.
  5. Don’t use punishment to leave permanent marks on your submissive’s skin. If both of you agree to any form of corporal punishment (spanking, flogging, paddling, etc.) then that is put in the contract and adhered to very carefully to ensure safety on both sides. But never hit for the sake of hitting, and never leave marks that your submissive will have to endure for life.
  6. Lastly, NEVER threaten to take away the relationship or cease communication as a form of punishment. Your submissive is placing their love, trust, and care into your hands. If you take away that line of communication, then they will begin to feel that you are unreliable as a dominant and the foundation of the relationship will quickly crumble. Trust me.

The final goal of a dominant is to get your sub to crave your attention. You want them yearning for you when you’re at work. You want them daydreaming about the next time you touch them… or fantasizing about how you will take them when you return home. But how do you get your submissive to that level where every cell in their body craves you? The answer is, by controlling the power dynamic. By learning to be an effective leader who holds their pleasure and safety at the pinnacle of your priorities. Your submissive will see this and melt right into your hands. (Don’t worry. In the next post we will discuss this power dynamic in greater detail). For now, let’s take a look at the pattern of every healthy play session.

III. The Pattern of Every Healthy Play Session: 

In every play session there is a pattern that is followed to ensure the health, safety, and well-being of everyone involved. It goes like this:

  1. Communication and Consent
  2. Play
  3. Aftercare
  4. Debrief and Reflection

This applies to every form of play, whether it is in person or long distance. You can form just as powerful connections from a distance as you can in person. But by following each of these four steps, you will be getting the necessary feedback from your submissive to help gauge future play sessions together. So let’s focus on step 1: communication and consent. In this step you are discussing through what type of play session you wish to have. As the dominant you will want to lead the conversation. Don’t wait around for her to open up about a fantasy. Ask questions. Push a little bit to open her up and explore her desires. Your submissive will feel wanted, and obviously, pay close attention to what they’re saying. (You can even take notes!). It is also helpful to have your submissive fill out a questionnaire prior to any form of play. If they are into the adult side of BDSM I recommend this checklist. If you are in a Cg/l relationship, or your submissive is a Little then I have designed a questionnaire specifically for this purpose which can be found here.  Use the questionnaire to discuss what you both want to do during play, and get consent from your submissive on what their needs, wants, hard limits, and soft limits are. As you dive deeper into regular play sessions, you will learn how to push a soft limit without overstepping a boundary. But for now, stick to the basics and simply learn what her limits are and what she consents to.

Step 2: Play. This is very straightforward but get in there and enjoy being her dominant. Enjoy the play session as it unfolds within the parameters that you both established. A play session can be deeply fulfilling, so enjoy it! Step 3: Aftercare. After a play session you will both need to take a bit of time to recover. Usually this involves holding each other, drinking some water, or eating a light nibble. But it is important to reconnect as Dom/sub and reassure your submissive how much you love them. Which brings us to Step 4: Debrief. This step is often skipped, but it is vitally important because it gives you feedback from your submissive to use in the future. Sit down together afterward and discuss what worked, and what didn’t. What parts of the play session felt right, and what things would you have changed? Make mental notes and discuss your feelings in depth. This will greatly enhance your future play sessions together.

IV.: How to Increase Pleasure and Gratification in Your Sub: 

As the dominant you will be doing an intricate dance of leading while making your sub feel loved and desired every step of the way. Part of this dance is knowing how to tease or delay gratification just enough to keep your sub yearning for more. There is an exhilarating rush in losing control over something simple. I’ll give you an example. There was a moment with my ex-dominant where I had said to him, “Oh I can’t wait to see you! When I do, I’m going to give you a giant hug!!”. Now in that sentence I was saying that I was going to give him a hug. The power was with me, because I was the one doing the action of a hug. In a heartbeat he said to me in a calm but firm voice, “No.. you will hug me if I allow you to hug me”. In a half of a second he had stripped the power from my hands and placed it back in his. With a single sentence I felt shocked, followed quickly by a rush of excitement at the loss of control, because I was reminded my place of submission.

It is likely that your submissive isn’t submissive in every aspect of her life. In fact, many submissives hold roles of power and great responsibility in their every day lives. As such, when they turn to you as the dominant, they are seeking for you to hold the power. They don’t want to think, or decide. They want you to take lead and make decisions for them. One way to do this is to tease or delay gratification. It’s okay to tell your submissive that they have to wait and be patient. It’s okay (and encouraged) to tell your Little One that they can’t have a treat quite yet, because they need to… <insert a task from you here>. This keeps the power in your hands, while still giving your submissive just enough of a tease to keep them yearning and longing for whatever it is that they want to do.

V.: The First Set of Skills to Practice as a Dom: 

As a dominant you are expected to be fearless, confident, and intensely comfortable with intimacy. Your submissive will look to you to be a leader in all interactions together. As such, begin practicing your domination with how you speak to others. You can even do this with vanilla people without them knowing! Make eye contact when you speak. Speak deliberately and with intention at a comfortable volume to project that you are assertive in your words. You’re not unfriendly, but you are firm. You will exude that you are calm and comfortable giving orders. Stand in front of the mirror and practice giving a simple command such as:

“Angel, come sit beside Master/Daddy”.

Say it with intention. Be calm, clear, and concise. Get comfortable with giving short, simple instructions when you speak to your submissive because this is part of being a dominant. You don’t want to give too many commands to your sub or gush about emotion (in play) and confuse them. So start by finding your own “Dom’s voice”. Just as Littles learn to find their authentic “baby babble”, so too will you find your “Dom tone” and make it your own. Now, go get practicing! 😉

Alright, that’s it for part I. Stay tuned for the next post tomorrow, friends, and until then keep on smiling! 🙂

~Penny Xx

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