Dom 101 Series, Part II.: How to Guide Your Submissive [BDSM Discussion]

Hi My Friends!

Welcome to part II. of the Dom 101 series. Today’s title is “How to Guide Your Submissive”. If you’re new to my blog, hi and welcome! I’m so glad you’re here. I am a full-time sub in a live-in D/s relationship. Also, if you haven’t read the “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Lasts” series, I would encourage you to go back and do so. It’s a great 5-part series that discusses the intricacies of how to build a solid foundation in your D/s relationship. Alright, now let’s focus on today’s topic.

In part I. we discussed that in truth, the submissive holds the real power in a D/s relationship because they can walk away at any time. However, there has to be a “pull” or a reason for the submissive to want to stay. And that is where we will focus our attention to today. Now, before you decide to lead a submissive it is important that you take time for self-reflection as a dominant. Ask yourself what it is about being a dominant that entices you. Determine how much time you (realistically) want to be “in character” as a dom. Remember, being a dominant is a state of mind, just as being a Little or a submissive of any kind is also entering a state of mind. There are many dominants who choose to only embody that mindset during play sessions, while others decide that they wish to be “on” all the time. Get a journal and write down how much time you want to be a dominant, and in what aspects of your life will it impact your connections with people.

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I. Learning to Read Your Sub

Now that you’ve determined how much time you want to be a dom, we will turn our attention to taking on a submissive. The greatest gift a dominant can receive is a sub’s true and full submission. It comes from a place of love, loyalty, and trust. Your submissive may be able to walk away from the bond whenever they want, and hold that control, but YOU as the dominant completely control each scene. They surrender themselves to you in each play session with the understanding that you will guide, love, and protect them to the fullest. You will learn to push their boundaries slowly, and with great care, as you thrill them with the balance of pushing them towards the edge of their limits, and then pulling them back into something more comfortable and reassuring their needs and pleasure. It is a dance in which you lead completely.

As you begin to enter the dominant mindset it is critical that you don’t clam up or become shy. You can’t be half-hearted in your pursuit as a dom, because a sub can sense a weak dom from a mile away. Trust me. Take charge of the conversations that you have with your sub. You might have a sub who loves to talk, and talk and go on tangents. But if you steer the conversation, listening and inserting calm but firm sentences, slowly your sub will sense that you are in total control. The wise dom listens more then they speak. Grow comfortable with asking your sub questions to explore their mind. Remember, you want to learn the intricacies of how they think. Watch their body language and begin to get a feel of the tone they use when describing certain fantasies, or the way they take that sharp inhale just before they tell you something. Make mental notes. As you begin to read and learn their body language, you will surprise your sub in how perceptive you are in predicting their behavior and thoughts.

II. The Beauty of Silence

I can tell you that as an experienced sub, there is freedom and beauty in being quiet. Many submissives are not actually submissive in their every day life. They might hold careers that demand them to play powerful roles, which is part of the reason why they turn to submission: freedom to let go from all of that power! Just as you will learn to be quiet and probe your submissives mind with intimate questions, so too will your submissive learn to be quiet, still, and calm. They will begin to relish just sitting or kneeling beside you as you game on the computer, read, or watch TV. There is a deep sense of satisfaction in knowing you’re being obedient and quiet. Make sure to reward your sub when they are being good and obedient. Discipline is important, but showing praise to your sub when they are good and follow your rules is equally as important and encourages a repeat of good behavior.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that when you’re sitting in silence, just being, while your Daddy or Master is working, there is a deep sense of freedom. You don’t have to think. That is the dominant’s job. All the sub has to do is obey. As you communicate with your submissive, learn to ask direct questions. Don’t begin a question with, “Now if I can just ask…” or “If I may ask….”. No. You are a dominant, and therefore you reserve the right to ask. Keep your questions simple and direct. If you’re in a play scene and you need to ask a question, stick to yes or no questions. This will allow your sub’s mind to stay clear and focused on you and the scene can continue to move along. Ask the question, get her succinct answer, and then take control. It’s that simple.

III. Lead By Example 

We all know The Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Part of being a dominant is to model the behavior and morals that you want your submissive to demonstrate. If you want your sub to respect and love you, then you need to show them respect and love. Quite frankly, they should love and respect you as their dominant. If the bond is cultivated on love (remember, this is an action.. not just a feeling), loyalty, and trust… then it breeds a deep respect to obey. When I think about the respect that I’ve held for dominants who have come into my life, as well as my Daddy, I can tell you that it is a very powerful feeling. We submit from a place of pure and unwavering trust. We place our life, and body in your hands because we know that we will be safe from harm. We know that if you want to bend us into a pretzel and pound us silly… that there is a reason behind it, and that you won’t do anything to cause harm or pain that we wouldn’t want. That is the beauty and power of being a dominant. You become a guardian for your submissive.

That said, in order to get your sub’s love and trust, there are a few things you can never, ever do. Never, ever lie to your sub. I always say, “It’s better to bicker and work through issues, than lie and create doubt that hangs like a cloud over the relationship”. Your sub has to be able to trust you completely and know that every word that is coming out of your mouth is the truth, 100%. Second, never try to intimidate your sub in an attempt to get them to obey. Intimidating your sub goes against the very nature of a true dom; someone who places his sub’s pleasure above all else. Just don’t do it. If your submissive is acting bratty or unruly, then it is time to implement discipline that you both agreed upon. Now, if your sub is really acting out and breaking character, then you need to sit down and communicate about what the real underlying issue is. Never disrespect your sub. Again, you want to be a role model in your behavior. Lastly, (and this is important), don’t assume that your sub wants to be name-called. Some submissives love “dirty talk” and being called names in the heat of the moment, while others absolutely do not. Talk and ask before a play session if your sub prefers to be name called.

The greatest piece of advice I can leave you with today is this: as a new dominant, move slowly and take your time. You will want to explore your sub. fully before you get into a play session or get into any intimate scene. By having deep knowledge about their likes and dislikes, you will be able to lead with confidence knowing that you are giving your sub pleasure, delicious pain, and everything in between.

Alright that’s it from me for today, my friends! Stay tuned for the next part in the Dom 101 series tomorrow, and until then, keep on smiling! 🙂

 

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