Dom 101, Part III.: Moving Forward in Your Journey [BDSM Discussion]

Hi My Friends!

Today is the final post in our Dom 101 series. If you’re new to my blog, welcome! Around here we have been discussing the psychology behind domination and what being a Dom really entails. If you haven’t read the first two sections to this series, I highly encourage you to go back and do so. For now, let’s move on to today’s final discussion: moving forward in your journey as a dominant and taking steps that ensure that you continue to thrive.

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I. Common Mistakes That New Doms Make: 

BDSM, when taken seriously and with great care, is an art form. Practitioners read, research, and discuss with community members what they’ve learned long before they get neck-deep into a play session and put their ideas into practice. Why? Because you’re talking about human lives at stake. As a dom, you will be diving into the psyche of your submissive and that isn’t something to be taken lightly. Often times Hollywood and the media projects dominants in ways that are misconceptions, thus leading new doms to follow patterns of behavior that are unhealthy or, at times, dangerous. Let’s examine a few common mistakes, so that you can avoid these pitfalls.

  • Being too bossy or barking orders: Barking orders at your submissive is contradictory to what being a dominant is all about because a true dom holds their submissives pleasure in the highest regard. Such behavior also works against the goal of earning your sub’s trust, which is needed to fully receive the gift of their submission and loyalty to you. Instead of barking orders at your sub, use a calm, clear tone that indicates that you are telling your sub what to do. It is a command, and not a request. Choose a volume that is comfortable and then give the command. A submissive is far more likely to be receptive to a command stated in a respectful but firm tone.
  • Just “going with the flow” in a play session or “winging it” and hoping that it works: This is a dangerous and sloppy way to lead your submissive. As stated in the previous post, the first step to initiating a healthy play session is to engage in communication and consent. Ask a bunch of questions and then take mental notes as your sub opens up to you. You need to have a plan of what you two will do in play. That gives you further control over the scene when you do engage in play.
  • Digging in your heels or pushing hard for something you want in a scene: Remember that you are there to try and please your sub. You want to earn their complete trust by giving them pleasure and pushing their limits (gently) without upsetting them in any way. As such, if you are discussing an idea for a play session in the communication phase and your sub states that they do not want to do the action… then, no means no. You can ask if it is a soft or hard limit, but a limit is a limit nonetheless and needs to be respected. Never try to guilt trip your sub into doing something that they don’t want to do.
  • Don’t do too much, too fast: This is a common mistake among new dom’s because it can be exciting to want to dive into every fantasy you and your sub have, but you have to remember to slow down. Help your sub reach a new level of ecstasy by pushing their boundaries to as much as they can take before overstepping their limits and scaring them. It is this delicate balance of push and pull that takes time and practice. Be careful and move slowly as you do so.
  • Laughing off a mistake: Mistakes happen and will happen while in play. We’re only human after all. But it is key that you don’t lose your confidence. Simply make a mental note when a mistake happens, and then keep moving the scene along so as to not lose the mood. Then when you are debriefing with your sub you can discuss (and apologize if need be) about the mistake.

II. Learning Yourself and Your Sub’s Limits: 

As you begin to grow more comfortable with yourself as a dominant, you will discover your own style of domination. You’ll find a “voice” and tone that works best for you and your sub. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you need to be like a dominant that you see in a movie, or a dungeon. Be yourself. Take time for self-reflection and introspection as you delve into your taboos and desires. Make note of them to discuss with your sub during the next session of communication and consent. I cannot impress upon you enough the importance of learning your submissive’s limits. When you know the desires of their heart, you will gain confidence in what scene you’re going to control. You will learn their limits and work within them, while still pushing them to inch ever closer to their boundaries. This is the dance of ecstasy and passion.

When discovering your style of domination begin to take stock in the strengths you already have. Are you a patient person? Are you gentle by nature? These strengths will be a beneficial tool for you to use during play sessions. I would encourage you to get to know your submissive on an intimate level prior to a play session. The more you know each other as people, the better off your connection will be during play. Don’t bring “realty” or outside stress into a play scene. Your sub is placing their trust into your hands, and your mind (as the dominant) needs to be clear and focused on their safety and well being.

III. How to Earn Your Sub’s Gift of Submission: 

Earning your sub’s submission is a gift. Yes, it’s a way for them to enter a head space under your guidance, protection, and control that is a moment for you both to cherish. You earn your sub’s trust by exuding strength and stability as a dominant. Allow your sub to open up to you completely. This builds trust, love, and respect in the relationship which in turn gives you the confidence you need to be a leader in the relationship. Then when your sub is ready, they will place their full trust in you, submitting to your commands. It’s this gift of submission that you should cherish deeply.

Lastly, remember that practice makes perfect! Get out into the community whether you attend conventions, dungeons, meet up’s, etc. or you connect via forums, and talk to other dominants. Ask them questions and get useful feedback. Then use this information in further discussions with your sub. as you navigate play sessions together.

IV.: 25 Questions to Ask Your Sub as You Build Your D/s Relationship:

Here are 25 questions that are vital to asking your sub as you get to know each other. They are critical for various reasons, whether it’s knowing your partner is of legal age, or what their relationship status is, etc. I hope you find these questions useful as you move forward in your journey together.

  1. How old are you?
  2. What is your relationship status?
  3. What is your living situation?
  4. Describe your physical attributes to me.
  5. What time zone are you in? Or what state are you in?
  6. What career or work do you do?
  7. Do you have any health concerns or medical issues that I should be aware of?
  8. Have you ever taken an STD test? And if so, when was your last test?
  9. What would you say are your hard and soft limits?
  10. Do you have any religious or spiritual practices that might interfere with play sessions?
  11. How did you come to the realization that you’re a submissive?
  12. Have you ever been spanked before by a sexual partner?
  13. What do you think a Dom/sub relationship entails? What are you looking for in a D/s relationship?
  14. What are some of the best experiences you’ve had as a submissive?
  15. What are some of the worst experiences you’ve had as a submissive?
  16. What are your triggers (good and bad)?
  17. What implements of pain interest you, and which ones would you feel are too much to handle? (Crop, Paddle, Flogger, Whip, Cattails, Cane, Hand, Wooden Spoon, etc.)
  18. What do you like best: the anticipation, the action, or the afterglow?
  19. How much time do you spend naked? And how comfortable are you being naked?
  20. What do you think about when you masturbate?
  21. How do you communicate your needs?
  22. Describe your support system in your personal life.
  23. What methods would you use to heal from pain after a play session? (Note: You’ll want to have these items on hand such as: a first aid kit, heat/cold compress, Tylenol/ibuprofen, etc.)
  24. What drives you to be a submissive?
  25. What do you expect from your submissive training?

 

That’s it from me for today! Stay tuned for the next upcoming blog series: non-sexual Littles and Cg/l relationships that don’t identify under the BDSM umbrella! Until then, have a wonderful Thursday everyone, and keep on smiling! 🙂

~Penny Xx

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