Preparing Yourself for a D/s Relationship the Wholesome Way [Part IV. of Non-Sexual Littles Blog Series]

Hi My Friends!

Today we are discussing how to prepare yourself for a D/s relationship, especially if you happen to be a non-sexual or wholesome little. If you’re new to the blog, welcome! 🙂 I’m so glad you’re here. We have been going through a new blog series bringing to light non-sexual littles within the Cg/l community, and how you can have a Dom-sub relationship, while still being wholesome in your behavior. So if you missed any of the previous three posts I encourage you to go back and give them a read. 🙂

Alright, now let’s jump into today’s topic: preparing yourself for a D/s relationship. Deciding that you want to submit to a dominant or to take on a submissive is a major decision that shouldn’t be entered into lightly. There are many couples who identify as Dom/sub, or Master/sub, but do not want to be associated with the BDSM community. Now before you go, “wait what?! I thought that D/s is part of the BDSM umbrella!” let me explain. Originally the acronym for B.D.S.M. used to be (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism). Only in recent decades has the BDSM community as a whole begun to incorporate domination and submission within the acronym, so that now everything is grouped together. However, there are many couples who engage in a power exchange relationship dynamic, but do not incorporate S & M into their lifestyle. As such, they wish to be exempt from being labeled within the BDSM community.


So as you prepare yourself to enter a D/s relationship, it’s wise to know the history of domination and submission and know what kind of relationship dynamic you want. If you refer back to “How to Build a D/s Relationship That Last, Part I” you’ll notice that I stress the importance of self-awareness. Unlike vanilla relationships where you’re supposed to “get to know each other” as the relationship unfolds, in D/s relationships it is highly recommended that you know who you are as a person first before you get with your mate. You have to have a solid foundation as an individual of who you are, what your likes and dislikes are, what kinks and fetishes you have, what your hard and soft limits are, etc. so that when you do come together as a couple, communication will be healthy and strong. The base foundation of every healthy D/s relationship is knowing who you are. Your dom will need you to be able to express your wants, desires, and needs. Be sure that you are prepared to be confident in expressing your feelings to them.

Another important aspect in preparing for your dominant is understanding how you identify. Sexual orientation is a part of the picture, but within the dominance or submissive spectrum, it’s wise to have a good idea of what path interests you. Are you a Master, Top, Daddy, Sir, or Owner? Are you a Little, Pet, Pony, Slave, Kajira, Pleasure Slave, Domestic Servant, Masochist, or Brat? Perhaps you’re a hybrid of one or more paths of submission? Knowing who you are at your core, matters. By knowing who you are as a dominant or submissive, you can then figure out what type of partner you need who can fulfill your desires.

Often times I hear people say that they just want the “Right Dominant”, or they say “I just want the perfect mommy/daddy…”. I have two issues with this. 1. No one is perfect nor are they the “right fit”. Having a D/s relationship, like any mature relationship, takes hard work, a ton of communication, and growth as two people coming together as one. And 2. How about we pause for a moment and instead of looking for the “right” dominant, we focus on becoming the “right submissive” and who you want to be? Start from within, and take time to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it! I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy, but take a baby step forward and try. Don’t expect your future dom to do everything for you. Nurture qualities within yourself that are warm, welcoming, and naturally attract dominants such as: gentleness, humility, tenderness, kindness, obedience, honesty, and loyalty. These are character qualities that every type of submissive should have.

Now let’s say that you’ve just met a dom, and you’re coming together to draw up a relationship contract. Be honest with them about how your life really is. Tell them about what close friends you have, and how much personal time you need. Your dom will likely know who your friends are anyway as you ramble and talk day after day. They will want to ensure that the relationships that you hold close in life, are healthy ones that are continuing to influence you in a positive way. Be open about any issues you have, and begin to deal with them before you become bonded together. If you need your dom’s help in facing an issue, help devise a plan with your dominant. Don’t thrust your problem on them completely expecting them to figure out the answer. Show your dom that you are capable of helping to work through your issues too. You just need a bit of guidance.

As you open up on these levels of social, and psychological connections, then the emotion will follow your actions. (Remember, emotion follows motion!). Then you two will become connected through deep emotion, and you can begin to lean on your dominant with a deeper sense of trust. You will surrender your trust and lean more on their understanding. So, too, can your dominant guide you with wisdom, trust, and understanding. Now I know this might seem like a lot of feel-y emotional “fluff”, but I promise you that there is a method to all of this. Only when all of these pieces are in place, can you come together physically (be it sexual or not) and unite together in a committed D/s relationship.

You need to have the social connection, the psychological and interpersonal comfort established… the emotional walls broken down… to then be able to be comfortable being physically present with each other. I’m not writing this in a sexual fashion, even though I’d be the first one to admit that I love sex, a lot. No, there is a method that needs to be taken and steps that have to be in place, to ensure that the foundation of the D/s relationship is strong. If you take nothing else away from this post remember this: love is a choice, not an emotion. You choose to love. You choose to show up every day to your dominant to put in the work needed to make the tiny, budding relationship grow. And because love is an action, and not simply a feeling, your actions towards your dominant should reflect from a place of love. Think of how your words and actions impact your partner, because they really do. Express yourself from a place of love and peace. Then rest your head at night knowing that you were fully present with them and gave your absolute best.

That’s it from me for today, my friends! I hope you enjoyed today’s post. Stay tuned for the next one. Have a wonderful Tuesday, everyone and as always, keep on smiling! 🙂

~Penny Xx

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