What to Do When You and Your Dom Just Aren’t Connecting… [D/s Relationship Discussion]

Hi My Friends!

I woke up this morning feeling stronger, happier, and ready to type up day 4 in the “100 Days of Dom-Sub Bonding”. And that is coming today, (I promise!), but my fingers tingled after reading through several littles’ blog posts, Instagram posts, etc. that all had the common theme about struggling with their dominant. For various reasons which I’ll leave anonymous out of respect for them, they have been experiencing relationship difficulties with their dominant. Reading through their stories, comments, and posts, it took me back to my first D/s relationship in which my Ex-Dom would pull away whenever there was relationship conflict. Other times he was busy with work. But the underlying theme was that there would be large gaps of time that would pass in which we didn’t communicate.

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As the submissive (and little) I would get paranoid during these periods of silence. I would try to move about my day, but inevitably my thoughts would cloud my mind and send me into a mental tailspin. After hours of pondering I would be frantic, thinking:

  • What if this is it?! What if he’s leaving me?
  • What if he has found another Little to love?
  • Did I do something wrong to make him pull away?
  • What if he lost interest because I’m ugly?
  • What is going on with us???

As weeks passed, the communication continued to fluctuate infrequently. Some days I would be left on a high, while others resulted me being a puddle of tears. The roller coaster of emotions was absolutely draining and I had no idea what to do. If you’re dealing with a similar situation in your life, then here are a few things I would encourage you to do:

  1. Communicate, communicate, communicate: Look, you can’t force your dom to speak with you. However, dominants who are healthy in body and mind, understand that being a dom is really, REALLY difficult! It’s like taking on another full-time job. But they do it because it can be deeply fulfilling when both parties are equally invested. You deserve to have a dominant who opens up to you when they are struggling. You deserve to have a dominant who is vocal about their personal needs. You deserve to have a dominant who prioritizes open, transparent communication. If you try to continually reach out to your dom to no avail, then maybe you need to decide if this relationship is helping you, or hurting you, and make the choice that BEST fits YOUR needs.
  2. Find a healthy outlet for your stress: This is a difficult task, I know. Trust me, I’ve been there. But looking back, I wish I had taken more time to channel my sorrow and frustration in a healthier way. Talk to other Littles. Chances are good that we’ve all been there at some point or another in our journey. Get helpful feedback. Find a hobby that you’re passionate about and throw yourself into it. Welcome the mental distraction. Your dominant should never expect you to be pining and waiting around for them to call. That isn’t healthy for anyone. So nurture yourself first, and put your needs above all else. Yes, you love your dom, but they should love you enough to prioritize and take care of you too. If they aren’t, then you need to guard your heart.
  3. Exercise!: As much as exercise is a chore, it does wonders for the mind. As a Little who lives with anxiety on a daily basis, trust me when I say that exercise is an amazing stress-buster. It lifts your mood, makes your body happy, and helps you to feel balanced and centered. Figure out what type of exercise you enjoy and go do it! Treat yourself to a gym membership, or stream a workout video from YouTube. But get moving, and break a sweat!
  4. Catch some Zzz’s: There are numerous studies to show the importance of getting enough proper sleep. You feel better. You function better. You can handle large decisions easier, and your mood is vastly improved when you get the proper amount of sleep. Although your mind may be cluttered right now with the stress of your D/s relationship, try compartmentalizing it in your mind. In your mind’s eye, visualize yourself putting your D/s relationship into a box. Now place that box on a shelf in your mind. It’s not that you’re getting rid of it, or that you aren’t facing your issues. You’re simply setting it aside to take care of your current needs (like, sleep). Keep your bedroom quiet and dark. Use a nightlight or diffuser to further calm your nerves as you lay down to rest. Avoid technology and caffeine right before bedtime. And don’t forget to drink a full glass of water before you sleep. (We all dehydrate overnight as we’re sleeping).
  5. Begin to prioritize your needs as a submissive/Little: Part of being a submissive is taking a journey of self-exploration. We all have to do it in our own time. Carve out time to sit quietly. Journal your reflections and thoughts in a private notebook. Ask yourself a few things: Why did I become a submissive? What is it that I’m looking for out of a D/s relationship? Are Daddy and I honoring the contract that we created together? (Note: If you don’t have a relationship contract, I would highly encourage you to do so. You can find the free printable for the Cg/l relationship questionnaire and contract here!). Are we on the same page as far as meeting each others needs? Do I know what my dominant needs to be fulfilled in a D/s relationship? Does he/she know what I need from a D/s relationship to be fulfilled? Are there needs that are going unmet? If so, what are they?
  6. Lastly, when you’re ready… have “The Talk”: It’s never fun sitting down with your partner and saying, “hey, we need to talk”. However, there is a way to discuss your needs without making your partner feel defensive or offended. Here are a few tips:
    • Begin by asking them to “hold space” for you. The term holding space stems from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s theory of nonviolent communication. It means that you need your partner to sit down and simply observe you as you speak. They need to actively listen without judgment, and simply be quiet as you express your innermost feelings.
    • As you’re expressing your feelings, use compassionate communication. Instead of pointing out the things that they are doing wrong in your eyes, discuss how you’re feeling. Turn your gaze inward and use phrases such as: “a part of me is feeling <emotion> because….” or “You know, when <action> occurred, a part of me felt <emotion> because….”. The focus is that a part of you is feeling upset. Not all of you. The goal is to discuss your feelings without ever losing sight of the love that you hold for each other.
    • Then take time to observe, hold space, and listen to your dominant. Allow them the space and freedom to openly express how they feel. If they are struggling to open up, ask for permission to ask them a question. Use a gentle voice and ask them if there is something with work, or something personal, that is stressing them out. Keep the communication flowing.
    • Finally, reflect on the conversation and thank them sincerely for opening up to you. It’s never easy divulging deep feelings, but it is so freeing when you do so. You’ll come out on the other side happier, healthier, and stronger as individuals and as a couple.

*Gently places a hand on your shoulder*

My friend, I cannot tell you what to do with your relationship. Only you know in your heart what is the right path for you. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth saving, and your dominant is beginning to be receptive to talking with you, or if they are completely closed down and the communication has ceased. But I can tell you this. You are beautiful. Truly. You are NOT alone in experiencing the loss of a D/s relationship or having deep struggles within one.ย  You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last. But you deserve all the love and happiness that a D/s relationship can give.

You deserve to have a dominant who is willing to sit down with you to fill out a relationship questionnaire and get to know your limits, needs, wants, and desires. You deserve to have a dominant who takes the time to train you properly, so that you can navigate each others mannerisms. You deserve to have a dominant who makes you a priority, and continually communicates with you even when things get busy and stressed. You deserve to have a dominant who makes you feel uplifted, and helps you slip into Little Space on a regular basis. You deserve to be a Little and express that inner child. You deserve to regress in age and let your happiest, silliest, most bright part of your soul shine. Never forget that, because you’re worth it.

That’s it from me for today, my friends. I hope you all enjoyed this post. Stay tuned for the next post (today!) on day 4 of the “100 Days of Dom-Sub Bonding”. Have a wonderful Friday, and as always, keep on smiling! ๐Ÿ™‚

~Penny Xx

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