Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby (Part 2): When It’s Difficult to Have an Orgasm [10-Part Sex Series]

I debated whether or not to write about this topic at all. I wanted to do my research and be clear about the facts before inserting my own personal experiences. My hope is that through this post, if anyone out there also struggles with this issue, that you know that you’re far from alone and that pleasure is possible. That said, let’s dive in.

I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. At the time I thought I was so young, but now at 34 I can say that I’ve met many people who began having sex far younger than I did. At 19 I had no clue what I was doing in bed. My first time was about as comical and clumsy as you could imagine. But I had done “it”. I had finally had sex. The thought of having an orgasm didn’t even cross my mind. For several years I didn’t understand much about women having an orgasm during sex. I just assumed that it happened. If a man can cum during sex, then surely a woman should be able to easily as well, right? And so I waited… and waited….. and waited for that moment to happen. I wanted the “eyes rolling in the back of my head” and toes curling moment of pure bliss when I would squeal and orgasm as hard as my body would allow. But… it didn’t happen.

In fact, by my mid-twenties I knew that something was definitely amiss when I would talk to close friends about sex, and they would ask the same question: “Did he make you cum?”. It was a simple enough question, but when I would tell them that I had never had an orgasm before, their eyes would go wide in shock. If I was talking to a potential partner, all of a sudden the man would view me as a “challenge” to conquer. He wanted to be the first to give me an orgasm. Suddenly I would feel insecure and scared. The last thing I wanted to do was to make a man feel incapable in bed. Guilt racked my mind as I thought, “what is wrong with me??”. I didn’t know back then that 62% of women cannot achieve an orgasm through penetration aloneย (source: Journal of Sexual Medicine). I didn’t know that this common problem among women was a guilt that many of us were holding, but never speaking about. And it wasn’t that sex wasn’t pleasurable, because it certainly was.

I loved the feeling of being taken. I loved my body being pressed up against a man and feeling him push inside of me. I loved the smell of musk and sweat as our bodies came together. It felt really good! And yet… I just couldn’t cum. Like so many other women, I too, have faked an orgasm. Back then, the guilt was so strong that one night while laying in bed with a previous partner, we were in the heat of the moment when I faked an orgasm. I felt terrible inside, as if I needed to “hurry along”. I wanted to cum. Perhaps needed to cum. But I just couldn’t. His eyes bore down into mine, watching as he thrusted into me over and over, coaxing me on. I just didn’t have the heart to say, “Hey… maybe… we can stimulate the clit a teensy bit?”. So I put on my best Emmy-winning performance (which probably wasn’t that great) and faked it. Deep down, I think he knew just as much as I did that I hadn’t orgasmed. We didn’t see each other again after that night.

By my late twenties I began telling partners that I couldn’t have an orgasm up front before we ever ended up in the bedroom. Most of the men simply shrugged it off with a simple, “I’ll show you what a good time is like”. But then they would be astonished when after fingering and fucking, I just wouldn’t cum. And then I met my husband (and Daddy). “I can’t cum” I blurted out early on into our relationship. He quirked an eyebrow at me. “Can’t? Or youย get too distracted?” he asked calmly. I opened my mouth to speak but stopped. I hadn’t thought about that before. Now, I’ll admit that I have thought about my grocery list during sex before. ( I know… crazy! But what was I to do? I was just laying there!).

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“I guess… I can get a bit distracted”, I admitted to him. From that day forward he began to tune into my mind, not my body, to see if I was close to orgasming. The first time I actually had an orgasm, I was 27 and it startled the hell out of me. It felt like this giant build up until the crescendo of sensations peaked and I squirted. “Oh my gosh!” I said, beet red in the face, “I think I just peed on the bed”. Well, I didn’t pee on the bed. But I did learn that my vagina wasn’t broken and yours isn’t either. There are a multitude of reasons why men and women struggle to achieve an orgasm. Some of us need more attention, foreplay, and time to get there to completion. If you’re like me, then you need to be refocused to clear your mind of thoughts to be able to be present in the moment.

As I began to grow more attuned to my body, I experimented with sex toys. My favorite (that I lovingly call Ferrari) is a body wand that has been with me for years now. Y’all, this wand is… heavenly. No, maybe that doesn’t describe it well enough. With this wand, I can get that toe-curling, high pitched squeal of an orgasm that makes my back arch and my eyes roll into the back of my skull. It’s that good. This is my all-time favorite body wand. I call it Ferrari because it’s not cheap. But it is built to last… and last… and last. It also doesn’t use batteries which is awesome.

As I rolled into my 30’s I was finally an expert at how to reach climax with my husband. I had played around with using toys in bed while he fucked me. (That’s really fun). Sometimes I would build myself up, with him loving all over my body, and then when I was close he would push in so that I could orgasm on his cock. (That’s really pleasurable for us both too!). My point is, if there is a will, there is a way. There is no need to feel anymore guilt for struggling to understand how your body works. We are all built differently and we all need certain things to happen to make us cum. That’s perfectly normal. Explore your needs with your partner and express your feelings so that they understand you better. Take the time to clear your mind before you have sex. Be present in the moment, and engage in lots (and LOTS!) of foreplay. It’s completely worth it.

Alright that’s it from me for today, my friends. Stay tuned for the next post. I hope you all are having a wonderful Monday, and as always, keep on smiling! ๐Ÿ™‚

~Penny Xx

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