Normally when I post things on here, my fingers fly like lightening as I type my thoughts out to you. I’ve already pondered over the topic at hand, and thus my post culminates into one cohesive thought.
This post isn’t like that.
I’m sitting here raw, open, and emotionally exposed. I yearn to show you who I am behind the pen name. Though I am a notoriously private person, I had two moments recently that got me thinking about connections and how we communicate with people. I’ll explain. My family has never been close. If there was a picture next to the phrase “dysfunctional families”, you would see a portrait of my mother, father, older brother, and myself. I could give you the long story of how my parents divorced after years of fighting and infidelity, but let’s just sum it up with– I come from one of those “messed up White families”.
And yet, decades after spreading apart over the country, I reached out to my older brother to reconnect. We had communicated before, mostly through our mother, and the old drama of long past had been washed away. We were two adults now, both in our 30’s, thousands of miles apart, but I wanted to rekindle the bond with my brother. Time is sacred, and I yearned to reconnect. So I wrote him a letter. About a week later my cell phone rang. “Don’t write me!” he snapped on the line, “Just pick up the damn phone and call!”. Suffice it to say, we don’t have much in common and I was reminded why drifted apart so long ago.
Then I reached out to another friend. He’s Filipino and closer to my Daddy, but still, I found this guy interesting and I love making a new friend, so I reached out. As busy as he is, for some reason I thought that a text message would be a great way to start. But, as expected, I got short replies and barely a response. “Perhaps I should write him a letter?” I said to my Daddy. He shrugged but gave me his address. So I wrote in the letter about wanting to be friends. I asked curious questions that floated through my mind. I envisioned slowly creating a barkada (a close group of friends), that my husband had had back in the Philippines, and then…. the guy never wrote back.
I guess the days of pen pals are a thing of the past. I’ve always been a creature that gravitates towards pen and paper. I suppose emails are the new “letters” now, but even still, I miss a handwritten letter. I miss having friendships. Sometimes it feels like everyone in the world is so busy that no one wants to slow down to get to know each other anymore 😦 . Why can’t people reach out to care about each other? Doesn’t anyone want to be my friend?
My apologies for the sad post. It’s just how I’m feeling today. Anyway, I hope you all are having a good Thursday.