My apologies for being so disconnected from this blog for the past few days. Dieting has kicked my ass from here to next Sunday. It’s going well in that I’m losing weight, but no one ever said that it would be easy. Today I need to vent about where my head space is at and just get it out. So if you’re looking for a more informational blog, I’ll see you on the next post ❤ Alright, now let’s begin.
When I’m hurting, physically hurting, my little side comes out. I get grumpy, moody, and I fall quiet. Today, for most of the day, my head was throbbing. I tried to function as normal, but I know that I was noticeably different to those closest to me. It’s difficult being so strong sometimes. I’m pushing myself to stay on track. I’m pushing my family to diet too. My daddy needs my encouragement and isn’t doing a diet as strict as mine, so that way we don’t bicker and argue. But I’m having to guide myself and it’s hard. Yet, the larger “Big Me” (or adult side) of my brain takes over when the pain gets great. I grab the reins of this diet and hold on tight. If I must lead myself, then so be it.
But right now I feel small. I feel Little. I feel weak.
I miss my tea time. Oh, how I miss a cuppa and a homemade scone! My scones are sublime. I miss waking up to the warmth that a mug of piping hot tea brings. I miss cradling my fingers around my unicorn mug and pausing to inhale the strong scent of Builders tea. I miss choosing recipes and cooking up delicious dishes on the daily. Right now, I’m not doing any of that. I’m dieting. Starving! But my pouch is happy. For those new to my blog, I had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago and have lost a large amount of weight since then. After plateauing for a year I’m done with it. I’m ready to get some more weight off.
So here I am, in the thick of the storm. One half of my brain screaming for food, while the other half is resistant to giving in. And then my cell phone buzzed. It’s her. It’s always her. Every. Damn. Day. it’s her! “Hello Mom…” I texted in reply, and begin to take meditating breaths. Each new day brings a wave of criticism from her to me. Today was no different. I felt her venom begin to seep into my skin. “I know you’re fat because you’ve wanted attention from your past partners!” my mom texted, “But now you need to really get it together. You’re not getting any younger”. I groaned. “I know” I texted back. I began to wonder, if I answered her in short two word answers, if she would get the hint that I didn’t want to talk. “I just want you to outlive me!!” she texted in reply. “For fuck sake, woman, I’m not going anywhere”, I thought with disdain, “stop being dramatic”.
I made a quick excuse of needing to lay down and got off of the phone. I strive to live my life simple, quiet, and calm. Like so many out there, my world has external forces that pound on the doors and windows of my life. Negative energy howls like the wind, threatening to tear me down. But the quiet voice inside of me, (perhaps a voice of body positivity?), begins to speak. “Be still” it whispers, “You’ll be fine”. And I will be fine. I’ll be better then fine. I’ll rise. ❤