Today we are diving into hard limits. As someone who is a big proponent of having a contract in any D/s relationship, I believe that it’s important to know your hard and soft limits and where they stem from. This post will reflect my journey into BDSM and Cg/l and what my hard limits are. I encourage you to take time for self-reflection and then sit down with your dom or caregiver and discuss how you feel. 🙂 Now, let’s dive in.
I. The Pain Threshold:
I remember the first time I saw a picture of knife play. Immediately my brain went, “oh no no no….”. I knew to my core that I didn’t want to be cut in any way, shape or form. I’m strong, but not that strong! It’s important to know (and share) what your pain threshold is. For me, I have an average tolerance of pain. I knew that spankings were fine. But before connecting with my Daddy, I had never used other S&M tools of pain and punishment. Then one night we purchased a crop. I had read that a crop has a very loud sound but is low in the pain scale. It seemed like the right fit. Daddy and I got into a play session, and he began whipping me with the crop all while checking to see how aroused I would get. I absolutely loved being whipped by the crop. It had just enough sting to make me yelp, but not too much that I was in deep pain.
As I grew more comfortable with incorporating bits and pieces of masochism into my play sessions, I quickly learned what I was (and was not) comfortable with. I have experienced physical abuse in my past, so I knew straight off that a hard limit of mine was being slapped across the face. I also didn’t want to be bruised, burned, or permanently marked in any way.
II. Past Baggage That Can Trigger Mental Trauma:
We all have baggage. If anyone ever tells you that they don’t have any scars or issues, run. No, I’m serious… flee. Because that person is full of shit. Everyone has stories and skeletons in their closet. When you’re in a D/s relationship, those stories slowly begin to surface. You want to disclose to your dom what some triggers are, but also why they are a sensitive issue for you. I’ll give you an example. One of my hard limits is using communication as a means to punish, put distance, or alter the relationship in any way. Mentally I can’t handle it. I’ve lost too many people in my life to be able to handle losing someone close like that again. It’s just too painful. So, I say straight away, “look, I can’t handle you leaving. If you have an issue with me, let’s talk about it. I’ll listen to you as long as it takes for things to be resolved. Talk my ears off! 🙂 But please don’t ever grow silent, cold, distant, or walk away. It hurts too much”. By putting all of your proverbial cards out there, your dominant can better lead you and gauge their own behavior.
I want to touch on one more thing about mental trauma before we move on. You’ll see in this blog that I often use the word “transparent” to describe my D/s relationship. As someone who has a colorful past, I still believe that if you can muster the courage, sharing your “life story” with your dom/sub is important. We all are shaped by our experiences, and knowing each others background helps to understand why they act the way they do.
III. Turn On’s… and Turn Off’s:
It can be difficult to sit down with a new dominant and open up about what turns you on and what turns you way off! The first time that I sat down with my ex-dom disclosing my kinks and fantasies I was shaking. My voice trembled as we spoke on the phone. I was mentally freaking out sharing such private parts of my mind with someone else. But, it was really important that he knew what I was into, and what was a hard limit. One way to ease the stress and nerves of this type of conversation is to come in prepared. Try filling out a kinks and fantasies checklist. That way you can also read it like a script to your dom. This can be especially helpful for anyone out there who is very shy at talking about sex or fantasies.
IV. Important Things to Remember:
Lastly, there are a few important things to remember when you’re connecting with your partner and discussing your hard limits, soft limits, kinks, and fantasies:
- Always have safe words in place. Never let someone tell you that they “know your limits”. No! Every play session should be safe, sane, and consensual. Have words in place to stop a play session immediately if need be. I like using the words: Red and Yellow (like a traffic light), to indicate either stop now or slow down a bit, please.
- Put your hard limits in a contract. I cannot impress enough the importance of having a contract with your dom/sub. Even if you’re Cg/l, it’s vital to have things in a contract so you know where each other stands before you begin having play sessions together.
- Don’t be ashamed to be who you are. Whatever your kinks, fetishes, and fantasies are… embrace them. You are who you are and there is no shame in that!
- Finally, take your time in each and every play session. Never rush a scene. If you’re short on time, wait until you aren’t pressed. You’ll want to give each other plenty of time and space to grow comfortable with connecting in play.
Now go out there and express who you are! 🙂 I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Stay tuned for the next topic, and until then, keep on smiling!