Taking of the Mask [The End of Penny Berry]

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Hi Friends,

I knew that one day this moment would come. As a writer at heart, my most authentic moments come when I’m here, in the still of the night, with just my digital pen and paper. Tonight is no exception. Just as this post implies, this is going to be my final post on Little Penny Berry. Why? Well, let’s dive in for one last time ❤

I spent the better part of 2018 battling my nearly decade-long bout with anxiety and depression. Past relationships left scars that I thought nothing could heal. Try as I might on my own, I just couldn’t manage everything. So I decided to reach out. I put a team of medical professionals around me that were top-notch. I did the very thing that I swore I would never do: I went on medication to help treat my anxiety. I even got an MRI to ensure that my brain was fine. Thankfully, it was. So, I began taking medicine to help stop the panic attacks. My neurologist warned me that it would be nearly 2 months before I began to feel like my happy, bubbly, outgoing self again. He wasn’t wrong.

For almost 8 weeks I struggled to keep my eyes open (literally). I passed out at 9 pm and woke up at 6 am. But for the first time, in a very long time, I was finally getting a decent night’s sleep. I began to wonder if the medicine-induced haze would ever lift. I gained 15 lbs. in the fog of medication. And then my brain began to clear. I was still taking my medicine, but suddenly I could convey my thoughts again. I felt calmer, and more able to tackle the stress of life. I felt stronger, and even happier on a regular basis. I felt renewed! After a decade and feeling like I had to surrender to the jitters and lack of sleep…. I was feeling GREAT!

So I decided to do the one thing that I wasn’t able to do before: I decided to reach out and make friends. In my early 20’s this was the easiest thing to do. But now at 34, I found myself introverted, shy, and with a handful of stories about my life that would make the average person weep. I’ve been through some really sad shit. But I wanted friends. Perhaps needed friends. I wanted to connect with people, and share the well of love and kindness that I have to spare. So I began reaching out.

People have their own issues, but I’ve always been the kind of person that loves to care for others. Maybe that’s what drew me to submission in the first place? I don’t know. The easiest medium to meeting others, of course, was online. Some connections worked, while others fizzled out. But with each loss, I began to learn more about myself. With the help with a calm, cool head I began to understand more of who I am today. I can’t handle friends coming and going from my life. I can’t handle loss, when I’ve already lost so much. Yet still, I kept reaching out. Finally, just when I had had enough and thought that most of society was narcissistic, I made a friend.

For the sake of privacy, I won’t name names. They were kind, funny, calm, and I enjoyed their company. We laughed, bantered, and I sat listening to a life story completely different from my own. In many ways I could relate, and shared advice that could only come through walking across fire in my own life. Other times I felt their kindness reach through cyber space simply because they wanted to be there with me. But like all good things, it too, came to an end. I felt a deep pang in my heart as I stared down at the silence on my phone. They were gone. Gone but certainly not forgotten. Tears slid down my cheeks. My normal desire to retreat to little space when things get hard didn’t come. And it was there in that moment I realized…. I had outgrown being little.

I don’t want to be Penny Berry anymore. I just want to be me.

I’m far from perfect. I fuck up and say things that piss people off. I’m a parent who is trying to balance it all, just like countless others like you out there. I love honestly, and I love hard. I put myself out there with total transparency, because if anything that the horrors of my past has taught me, it’s this: life really is short. Time is the greatest gift of all. People will come and go in your life, so soak up each moment because you never know when they will be gone. Take it from someone who has lost 2 of the most important people in her entire life, that time is sacred. Don’t squander it.

To all of you who has believed in me, and this blog, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting me, leaving lovely comments, and smashing that like button. Thank you for following this blog. There are so many wonderful, creative bloggers out there to follow, so I encourage you to continue to read and seek them out. Find material that works for you. Always follow your heart and keep your personal safety at the forefront of every decision you make. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. People will either accept you for who you are, or they won’t. You can’t control how people feel, but you can control how you expose your heart. Feel. Live. Breathe.

That’s it from me for this post, my friends. I wish you all the love, hugs, and snuggles in the world. Remember to stay kind…. and as always… keep on smiling.

Much love,

~Penny xx

4 comments

  1. I am a DD and a lot of what you said I can fully relate to. Your post so genuine caused tears to well up in this old gruff mans eyes. I recently found you and one of my daily assignments for my baby girl was to read your post of the day and to catch up. I hope you leave site up for prosperity. I also hope you find who penny is sounds like you may have. God speed

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Sir N,
      I am humbled and so touched by your beautiful message! It’s people like YOU and your baby girl that put fuel in my tank everyday to get up and do another post. Absolutely of course I will the blog up and all the printables and resources! In fact, let me do you one better and keep going! Knowing that your baby girl is reading my daily post, will put a smile on my face every morning when I smash that publish button. This blog and my books never has nor ever will be about money, fame or success – I want it to be a place or a tool for people like you to use in your own Cg/l journey. So stay tuned for many more wonderful posts on both my self care and my journey!

      Lots of love to you both,
      Kitten xx

      Like

  2. Oh Penny
    Friend big hugs love kisses
    Just found you too x
    Yes I cried too.
    Understand your struggles, my daughter suffering greatly from depression anxiety. Year half of no school no life, fighting to keeping her safe from herself.
    Ashamed to say I only read the signs (ignorance of mental health) when my Dom love of life, also spiralled into Depression and Anxiety he had struggled all his life and never said.
    Pain of watching two I love most, being powerless at the mercy of mental illness is just no words. But knowing they both feel far far worse than I could ever feel fuels me to keep strong and fight for them both.
    Your blog was, is much needed
    As can’t sub/baby girl right now.
    Didn’t know you but, felt you.
    Keep fighting on Kitten XX

    Shanna her type are never happy seeing happiness. They are unhappy and seek to make others happy.
    You should know all you said in that post was RIGHT
    END OF NO DISCUSSION
    Nice to all. Unless I come across that type. Took only my respect for you not to wipe the floor the with her SORRY ASS. Don’t let that type affect you.

    I get why going, Mmmm hoping you get so much love and support. That it’s not final the end. Cause I will miss you greatly my friend. I messaged your my email so my ears support will always be open.
    Life is cruel, those of us that feel it more struggle with it. Thing is that alone makes us be the strong ones, the most forgiving, understanding and nicest.
    Love hugs
    Bittersweet
    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Bittersweet,

      Your comment made me cry…for all the right reasons! Know that as I’m sitting here in my house, I’m sending you, your daughter and your Dom so much love and positive energy as we all navigate this crazy, messy, beautiful thing called life. Mental health is one of those things that is a silent affliction and comes in the darkest hours of someone’s life. But, if I can continue to shine a ray of light for you and every other reader that comes to this blog, then know that it’s people like YOU that help me to press on! So stay tuned for more posts about my self care journey as well as Cg/l. You are truly an incredible person and my friend!

      Much love,
      Kitten xx

      Like

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