Tonight I’m sitting down with a cuppa and and a chocolate bar to gush to you. Like a stream of consciousness I’m going to pour out my feelings here in hopes of mending my heart a little. Today was a chocolate kind of day. In this process of getting to know myself better through self-care and reflection, I pondered over the question: why does it bother me when people leave my life? Why do I have such a hard time coping with it? And then I was slammed with a moment that triggered me, hard. Anxiety washed over me, like a blanket that I had been trying to kick down to the end of the bed. When I’m super anxious I begin to clean. I tidied the whole house. I did a long workout until I was dripping in sweat and it allowed me to refocus, at least enough to type to you. It was only after I had calmed down that I realized what had made me feel so jittery.
Recently, Daddy gave me permission to have a play session with another dominant-friend of mine. I was giddy at the time, because connecting with other dominants is like learning a new dance. You begin to see their tastes. You experience something new. If I didn’t love to play, then I wouldn’t be kinky. And you can bet your last dollar that this girl is definitely kinky. So, we had several play sessions. I began to grow excited, wondering if this person would be a regular part of our life. Would these fun, different adventures together be part of this new chapter of my life? Then, just as soon as they began, they ended. I tried to brush it off, thinking nothing of it. But deep down, I felt rejected. There was no warning before everything shifted. And thus, I felt triggered.
When I say triggered I use the word with great discretion. I don’t mean that I was pissed off or sad. No. I was hurt. My mind was jolted back in time to another event that felt eerily similar. Back when I was a teenager, my stepmother took great joy in toying with my emotions. One day she would be warm and motherly, and the next she would be cold, distant, or even ruthless. She used to love telling me the phrase, “my emotions are like a water faucet, honey. I can turn them off and on. So if you piss me off, then don’t come crying to me!”. As an adult now, I can see how broken of a person she is. Nonetheless, because of her insecurities and issues, I suffered for 9 years under that roof. Her main tactic was always the same though: silence. Sometimes, when you really want to hurt someone, all you need to do is be completely silent. Ignore their messages beseeching you to talk to them. Refuse to acknowledge their pleas for things to return to being warm and sweet. Act apathetic to their needs, instead placing your own above the rest. Yes, if you really wish to scar someone, all you need to do is place them on ignore.
Don’t ghost them, because then you will look like the asshole. Instead, let them suffer with questions and wondering. Let their mind run away with them until they feel sorrow, shame, and anger. That is why I was triggered. This dominant gave me a heaping dose of silence. I know that he has issues that are beyond my control. I know my warmth, love, and friendship continually get pushed away for reasons I can’t even begin to understand. But it hurts. The silence hurts.
So, I sit here in this moment, tenderly nursing myself back with a cup of tea and a Hershey’s bar. It won’t fix things, but it does taste good when the world seems upside down. I try to reel in my mind, willing myself to stop thinking that I’m ugly, or too fat, or too talkative…. any of the million reasons that I can come up with that this person just stopped being warm towards me. Do I suck in play sessions that much? I have no idea. My apologies for this post being so dark, but I promised to be real with you on this journey towards a happier and healthier me. Perhaps I was just a flavor of ice cream that he simply didn’t enjoy?
At the end of the day, all I can do is be me. Yes, I’m curvy. Yes, I’m talkative. I’m a curious soul who loves to get to know people. I wear my heart on my sleeve and call it like I see it. I know it isn’t for everyone. Clearly it isn’t for everyone. I just wish the silence would end. Sending so much love to you all, and I’ll see you back here in the morning.