As I sit here this morning, I can’t help but reflect on a response that Sir Dax made on Twitter about older doms. In response to my tweet of yesterday’s blog, he mentioned that a true dominant shouldn’t be considered to be a dominant unless he was over 30, only because men mature at a later age. By being over 30, they will have had time to blossom in their sexual identity, life experience, and understanding of themselves. Today we’re flipping the coin and looking at the opposite end of the spectrum. What would it be like to bond with a dominant who is 5+ years younger then you are?
If I’m being completely honest, I gravitate towards older men. There is a safety and security that they instill that I haven’t felt on the opposite end of the spectrum. Not that I haven’t tried, mind you. I once bonded with a man who was 7 years younger then I was. Everything was going smoothly until he one day, jokingly, referred to me as a “cougar”. Like the brakes of a tractor trailer, my mind came to a screeching halt and I thought, “oh no, he didn’t just say that!”. Call me what you will, but at 34 (and a Little), I am hardly a cougar. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. But should people bond with a younger dominant? That takes some examination, so let’s dive in.
I. Maturity Really Is Everything:
Having the capacity, understanding, and levelheadedness to lead takes maturity. We all know that. That said, there is a stark contrast between the 18 year old dominant, and the 27 year old dominant. Both are quite young in the world of BDSM, but the 27 year old might have enough life experience and maturity to truly handle caring for a submissive, whereas I quirk an eyebrow at an 18 year old dominant. Now, let me pause here for a moment. If you’re 18 years old, interested in BDSM and Cg/l, and you want to get involved in the community– God bless you, dive in. Get some proper training from an experienced dominant or submissive, and learn about the foundations of this lifestyle. I don’t judge people by their age.
But from my own experiences, I don’t think that an 18 year old is ready to fully understand the psychological side of what it takes to be a dominant. Eighteen (and even your 20’s) is a wonderful time when you’re building upon the experimental stage of adolescence to hone in on what you like and dislike. It’s like getting into the intricate detail of a statue. You begin to shape who you want to be, and continue to explore what fascinates you. Hence, why people say the “world is your oyster” when you’re in your 20’s. You aren’t strapped with a mortgage, marriage, and children of your own. Therefore you can focus on just taking care of yourself.
Whereas the older dominant who is already in the mid-life phase has already adapted to caring for people in their personal life. They have “sowed their wild oats” and is prepared to take on a submissive and all that it entails.
II. An Understanding of the Body:
There are times when I’m speaking to vanilla people and the topic of BDSM comes up, that they think it is all about sex. Obviously, those of us in the lifestyle understand that domination and submission is just as much about the psychological surrender and release as much as it is about intimacy. Older dominants with life experience and multiple past relationships understand the nuances of how to connect with a partner. While every person is different, they have a good idea of how to engage in foreplay and what makes a person “tick”. Younger dominants are still on this path of discovery. Can they be dominants while still learning about their partners body? Of course. But being in a D/s relationship, and understanding your partners body is much more than sex.
You’ll want a dominant who understands your facial expressions and their meaning. You’ll want someone who isn’t afraid to touch you when you’re on your period. You want that partner who is happy to head to the corner store to purchase some pads or tampons, versus the person who shies away from you when you’re bleeding. A true dominant will give you a back massage to ease the pain away, all while making you feel sexy, with or without intercourse.
III. Safety is Paramount:
Go to any BDSM or Cg/l gathering and you will be bombarded with people stressing the importance of safety. It is (or should be) on every flyer, every website, and in every workshop. It’s just that important. Why? Because people who haven’t used safe sexual practices have died before! There have been many tragic accidents and lives lost due to unsafe sexual practices. This is why you hear the words: safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) over and over again. Or, why you hear the phrase “risk-aware consensual kink” (or RACK) to place emphasis on a dominant getting the submissive’s consent and understanding of a certain kink or act that might include some danger. A seasoned dominant understands the importance that is needed in each and every play session, and openly discusses all risks and dangers with the submissive well in advance.
A younger dominant might still be learning these things. Will a younger dominant have a pair of safety scissors at the ready for a bondage session? Will they know how to tie knots in such a way that it doesn’t constrict circulation, or will they place them in places that is dangerous to the submissives body? Will they understand the need to be in full control during a play session? The answer is: I don’t know. While it is fully possible that a younger dominant is capable of learning and practicing safe, sane, and consensual play sessions, there is risk involved. They haven’t had as much time and life experience as an older dominant. They might not have had training from other dominants. There are those that even favor a dominant being a submissive prior to becoming a dominant, just so that they understand the mentality of a sub!
IV.: The Bottom Line:
At the end of the day, you have to do what feels best for YOU. If you have a partner who is younger than you, and you want to bond, go for it. You know in your heart if they are the right fit, and if you feel comfortable letting them dominate you. If you are like me, and you just aren’t into the idea of having a younger dominant, that’s fine too. Live your life in the way that is most authentically you! Always practice safety, regardless of who you’re with, and let yourself feel each moment completely.
Alright, my friends, that’s it for this post. Stay tuned for the next topic. I hope you have a wonderful Friday, and I will see you all back here tonight! 🙂