Day 56 of Little Introspection: What Advice Would You Give to a New Dominant?

Good Morning Sexy Peeps!

A very happy Saturday to you! I hope you all are having a good one. 🙂 Today we are turning the spotlight to all you amazing dominants out there. Yes, today I am sharing my advice to every new dominant, or potential dominant, looking to break into the lifestyle. This post is for you ❤ :


I. Know What You’re Looking For: 

One of the MOST important things a dominant should know prior to getting involved in a D/s relationship is to know what they’re looking for. You want a dominant who can tell you what their expectations are. You want someone who isn’t afraid to sit you down and tell you all of their kinks, fetishes, and fantasies. You want someone who knows what S.S.C. and R.A.C.K. means (especially if you both are into impact play!). As a dominant, you will be tasked with the major responsibility of: learning your submissive’s goals, caring for their emotional and physical well being, and training them to meet your needs as their dominant! Make no mistake, this is no easy feat. This is why it is critical that you make sure that you understand what it takes to be a dominant first!

Whenever I meet a dominant I always ask them the same question: why do you want to be a dominant? What is it within yourself that makes you yearn to take care of a Little, or a submissive? This is a question you will want to have the answer for. (Fellow submissives, be sure to ask your dominant this question if you haven’t already 😉 ). Their answer will demonstrate what their domination style is, and if they have the ability to guide you as you move forward together. You want to make sure that their domination style (and personality) matches up well with your needs and personality. Trust me, you don’t want to get into a relationship only to find out that you two aren’t compatible.

II. Meet Other Experienced Dominants: 

Another excellent piece of advice I would give to a new dominant is to befriend more experienced dominants. There are even dominant training services that are available both online and in person! Reach out these wonderful people. Usually veterans in the community are happy to answer questions online or at munches. There are also some excellent conferences for dominants interested in the M/s dynamic, or workshops held for other more gentle forms of domination. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a veteran dominant and learn the basics. Ask questions such as: what are the basic steps that I should know to engage in a play session? How do I know if my submissive is willing to surrender control? How you “train” a submissive? And what are some safety standards that I should know prior to engaging in any form of play? Veterans are happy to babble away sharing their wisdom and knowledge with you. Trust me on this one. 😉

III. Understand Your Limits and Boundaries (as Well as Your Submissive’s!): 

There will be times where, at the beginning of your relationship, you will be discussing hard and soft limits and something doesn’t match up. They have a soft limit, but for you it’s a hard limit. Or perhaps it’s the other way around. Don’t stress. This is a common occurrence and why I stress that every D/s relationship needs to have a contract in place. If something is a hard limit, then it is a hard limit. No means no. Period. Be prepared to tell your submissive what your hard limits are, because most submissives are well versed in stating their own needs, wants, and limitations. I would also encourage you to discuss together why you have each limitation. Do blindfolds give you anxiety at the loss of control? Does the thought of punishing your submissive trigger past trauma and negative memories? These are things you’ll want to discuss intimately. Share your feelings openly and compassionately with each other. Learn as much as you can about your partner and their sexual boundaries. This is critical for the foundation of your relationship.

IV. Train Your Submissive: 

You can’t see me clapping over here, but if you could, then you would see me saying: train. your. sub! Seriously, let’s look at this logically for a moment. A part of you being a dominant is to take the time to help your submissive learn what your needs and wants are. This applies to even long distance relationships too. Do you need someone who contacts you daily to show you some love? Do you need a submissive who can be a sounding board for your long days? Do you want a submissive well versed in domestic service? Do you like a certain drink at a certain time of the day? Do you need a submissive who can match your libido and sexual preferences? These are all things to consider before you take on a sub. Then, once you know what your needs are, it’s time to train your sub.

You will want to set aside time each week (preferably scheduled in advance), to focus on your D/s relationship. Teach your submissive how you want to be cared for. Explain to them your expectations and needs. Make sure they are attentive and is willing to complete your tasks. Begin to give small tasks to demonstrate their ability to follow your lead. Make note if they push things off, or if they are eager for more. This will help you gauge if you need to give them more challenging tasks, or if they are feeling reluctant and need some guidance from you. Keep an “emotional pulse” on your submissive at all times as you train them. This is an important time in your relationship, where the bond between the dominant and submissive is being cultivated and sealed. They are slowly relinquishing power to you, and you are demonstrating to them your ability to lead, care for, and to nurture them as your sub. Ideally you will want to set aside 4-6 weeks for training. Then, when you both are ready, it is time to formally seal your bond with a collaring ceremony. 🙂

I could probably go on and on about more advice for a new dominant, but that is a great place to start! 🙂 I hope you all enjoyed this post, if you did hit that like button and let me know. I hope you have a wonderful Saturday, and I will see you all back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx

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