Good Morning Friends,
I hope you all are having a lovely weekend. Happy Sunday! As we kick off a new week, today I want to turn our attention to the meaning of commitment. It’s such a funny concept. In the vanilla world, there are various forms of commitment: promise rings, engagement rings, and finally, marriage. Many people love the concept of having a “legally binding” document that seals their union. And I completely understand why it’s important to have this. There is also a sense of comfort that comes from being “bound” to someone. You know that they can’t just “walk out” and leave you. You’re quite literally stuck to each other until death do you part. Once upon a time I used to think this same way as much as the vanilla world.
And then I changed.
I realized that needing to be “legally bound” to my partner was actually just a mask for my own fears of abandonment. I was so afraid of my partner leaving me that I felt like I had to get married in order to keep us together. In truth, the relationship didn’t last and we ended up divorcing. This threw my whole idea of how to keep a relationship together right on its head! Suddenly I had to take time for self-reflection and decide that when I got with my next partner, I was going to do things differently. In this process of introspection, I realized that I didn’t want to commit to my relationships simply because I was afraid of them leaving me. I wanted to commit from a place of joy and love. I wanted to take the concept of “leaving” right off of the proverbial table. In doing so, I had a new thought:
What would I feel like, if my partner or myself “leaving” the relationship was never a threat?
Suddenly I felt much freer, lighter, and happier. I choose to commit to my relationships because I want to be there. Walking out of the relationship simply isn’t an option or a door that I want to open. Now, that said, there are several things I need to note here. First off, I cannot control what my partner does. So if he chooses to leave, it will hurt deeply, but it is something that I cannot stop. Deep down, what I want for my Daddy more then anything in the whole world, is for him to be happy. I work hard to do my best in helping him feel happiness in our connection. But if there ever comes a time where he is truly unhappy and yearns to leave me, I can’t stop him. Certainly I will strive to keep the relationship afloat, but if he would be happier without me… then that’s something that I will have to accept too. All I can focus on is my feelings, actions, and thoughts.
I’d also like to mention that there may be other factors that give a reason for needing to leave a relationship. These include:
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Sexual abuse of any kind
- Anger to the point of being toxic
Ultimately, I encourage you to remember that a relationship should lift you up. Not put you down. Every relationship has disagreements, obstacles, and “rough patches”. But it’s how we navigate those uncomfortable moments that strengthen the relationship.
“Obstacles aren’t bad. They’re necessary for my elevation”. -Pastor Mike Todd, Transformation Church, Tulsa, OK.
Now you might be thinking, “wait, I need to have obstacles with my partner???”. Yes, you do! This is because you are your own person, and they are their own person. As such, it’s healthy to have a difference of opinion. In today’s post we are going to examine several ways to navigate differences and obstacles while still remembering the ultimate goal: you are committed to your partner. Now, let’s dive in.
I. Staying Positive When Things Get Difficult:
I once heard a testimony from a woman who said that when things got deeply strained in her relationship, that she began “speaking faith” into her relationship. When people would ask her how things were at home, she would say, “they’re great! We’re doing just fine”. Well, they weren’t doing fine and things weren’t presently great. But she knew that she was committed to her relationship and she saw a vision of the type of relationship she wanted in the future. So she put faith in her relationship, and stayed positive during the dark times. This isn’t easy. There are times when we can feel so frustrated that our situation isn’t exactly how we’d like it to be. But it’s in these dark times that we need to dig deeper to try and remain optimistic. Speak the desires of your heart. If you’re struggling in your D/s relationship, work together to mend fences.
Side note: Did you know that the term “to mend fences” came about from farmers who had to walk along their fence-line together, one on each side, as they mended patches of fencing together? The imagery is quite appropriate for any relationship. 🙂
Understand that obstacles are a healthy part of any relationship because they help build your perseverance. They will strengthen you and help to uplift you as you overcome each trial together. Don’t believe me? There is scripture in the Bible that references the importance of walking through trials to become a stronger person both individually, and together as a couple. It reads:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. (James 1:2-8)
II. Putting Your Relationship as a Priority:
How many times have you looked at a text from your partner and thought, “oh man, I know they need me right now…. but I’m so busy!”? I think we’re all guilty of thinking like this from time to time. It can be difficult to juggle so many things in life. There are bills to be paid, kids to feed, errands to run, cars to fix, and jobs to work at. There is traffic to drive through, family to entertain, and appointments to attend. And yet, we choose to have a D/s relationship on top of all of these responsibilities, because we understand the need to be a dominant or submissive in the core of our being. You chose to commit to your partner in your D/s bond. In this section, I would encourage you to view your partner as a priority. View your relationship as a part of your life that creates who you are, versus an interruption of your daily schedule. Let it become a part of your being.
When some one asks you, “what are your priorities in life?” it might be easy to rattle off all of the things you’re responsible for daily. And while they are important, critical, and must be accomplished, I would ask you again, “are they your priority?”.
Yes, I know that you work full-time, and you will. Yes, I know the kids have school and their own activities. And you will attend and take care of your family fully. But, can you carve out time daily (even 5 minutes) for your D/s partner? Can you make your relationship a priority? When I think of my Daddy, I view him as a human being with deep feelings that is my priority. I have tons of things to do in my life, and I work hard to keep it all in balance. But I also place a high priority on texting him throughout the day. I don’t let a few hours roll by without him hearing from me. Why? Because his emotions and feelings are of the utmost priority to me. Do you place a high priority on your D/s relationship?
III. Let Your Perspective Change Your Position:
The final point I’d like to share is about your mindset. Choosing to commit to your partner is all about cultivating a mindset of determination, hope, optimism, and desire. Choose to be with your partner. Don’t simply be with them. Choose to wake up each day in the relationship. It’s simply a part of who you are. You are your dominant’s submissive, or you are your submissive’s dominant. That is who you are. It is part of your identity. Take pride in that piece of yourself because it is something to cherish and rejoice. Shift your thinking to begin to ask questions that hold more depth for your partner. Instead of asking, “how are you?” try asking them, “how are you feeling?” because you’re committed to their well-being and emotions, just as they are committed to yours.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
By upgrading the quality of your questions, you will begin to demonstrate to your partner that you are committed to your relationship because you choose to be there. You may (or may not) have a legally binding document. But in the end, your actions dictate where your heart is. Your love is a bunch of actions that show that you care. Not a day passes by that they don’t know how much you love them. You make time and space to connect as a couple. You do small acts of kindness for each other. You listen to each other on hard days, and lift each other up. You’re committed… content… and happy in your love and stability with each other. Your love is quiet, sure, and strong. ❤
Alright, that’s it from me for this post, my friends. I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, hit that like button and let me know! 🙂 I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday, and I will see you back here for the next topic!