I’m sitting here feeling so little. My tiny heart hurts. I have so much emotion that I feel like a jumbled up ball of energy waiting to explode. But I can’t explode. So I sit here, my bottom lip poking out, feeling small and helpless. I often write about how great being a Little is. I talk about little space, and carving out a place in the world that is your own. And it’s true that being a Little is awesome. We can wear pretty clothes. We can pull on backpacks shaped like kitty cats, and we can eat food that is kids sized.
But there are parts of being a Little that aren’t so fun. Pieces inside that sting a little. It’s those parts I wish I could change. I try to change. But it’s hard.
As a Little, I can be impatient. I don’t get mean. I don’t get bitchy. I get needy. I don’t wait to go for 24 hours without hearing from my Daddy.
I don’t want to talk, swoon, and feel so loved without video chatting for real.
I don’t want to be shoved to the bottom of someones “to do” list.
I want to matter. I want to be a priority.
I think that when you’re a little, and you have mental health issues, it’s easy to succumb to the depression of it all. You go for periods without hearing from your dominant and suddenly the intrusive thoughts begin to slink in. You wonder if you matter. You wonder if they care. I know he cares. I know I matter. So I repel these thoughts with the love that I feel inside.
I love me.
I’m worth the time to talk to on a regular basis.
It’s okay that I get needy and feel small. I’m a Little, and that’s just what we do. Our clingy-ness is our expression of love and desire for our dominant.
It’s okay that I want to be a priority. It means I value myself, my time, and my partner’s time too.
It’s okay that I want to video chat. That means that I feel comfortable enough to throw caution to the wind, and just be myself.
Being a Little can be difficult. But it’s who I am. I’m just a Little who wants her Daddy on the regular. *shrugs*
So, in the words of one of my favorite musicals, “Rent”:
“Take me for what I am, baby. Who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby…. or leave meeee”.