Good Afternoon Friends,
I remember when my Daddy sat there on the phone with me. We weren’t touching, but the conversation was so intimate that we might as well have been. His voice is so soothing. It’s deep, smooth, with a hint of a twang. I love it. “Tell me” he coaxed me gently. I was blushing on the other end of the phone. It’s one thing to say, “I’m kinky” to your partner. It’s another to sit there and list out the fetishes, kinks, and fantasies that you desire. He wanted to know my deepest fantasies. I felt my heart racing in my chest. My creative mind can certainly dance off to various sexual places. “Er…” I said biting my bottom lip. I knew that as my dominant, he needed to know what desires tickled my fancy. He needed to know what kinks had long been simmering at the corners of my mind.
I. Learning to Have Confidence in Your Desires:
We all have them: kinks, fetishes, and fantasies. What you find arousing is nothing to be ashamed of. I think as a society, we can often become shy, timid, or fear that our kinks will be judged. Certainly there are people who kink-shame, but those people are @$$***** and don’t deserve your time or attention. Real, honest, good people with whom you might connect with, will understand that your desires are your own. There is no room for judgment, fear, or shame, because they have their own kinks too. Have confidence in yourself.
When you’re going to tell your partner about your desires, do so in an environment that you feel comfortable. Turn off any distractions. Take turns sharing your interests and sexual attractions. Usually there is a reason for what we’re aroused by. There is a psychological connection to our preferences. Again, this doesn’t make you wrong, weird, or bad. You are how you are, and that’s okay. 🙂 Embrace who you are.
II. Discussing Taboo Fantasies:
The mind is a curious thing. So often we have thoughts that float about, whispering secrets that lay dormant in our ever-evolving psyche. I remember the first time I toyed with the concept of C.N.C. (consent/non-consent). I blinked in shock at the thoughts in my mind. I had known for ages that rape was terrible! I knew it was illegal. And yet, in my brain the idea of playing out such a scene with a trusted partner… consenting to a play session in which we acted out the rough sex scene seemed… intriguing. I couldn’t fathom why! I felt repulsed at my imagination. I felt dirty and ashamed at first. But then I read more about C.N.C. I delved into the kink lifestyle and found out that tons of people have the same fantasy as I do. It has nothing to do with actual rape– which is a crime and I’m glad it is as such.
C.N.C. definition: In the BDSM community, CNC stands for consensual non-consent, also known as rape play. Although it varies scene to scene, it’s usually an extreme power exchange where, according to previous negotiation, there is a victim overcome by a predator by force. People who enjoy this play often enjoy either the extreme lack of control or extreme control on either side of the exchange.
**This type of scene does not encourage ACTUAL rape. All proper scenes are done after much negotiation between of-age, consenting adults.
(Source: Urban Dictionary)
So, too, will you have a conversation with your partner about your fantasies. Here’s a few tips I encourage you to follow when discussing taboo fantasies with each other:
- Listen attentively. Give your partner your complete attention. Remember, they are opening up a deep part of themselves with you because they trust and respect you. Giving your full attention will demonstrate that you care and support them.
- Give reassurance. Often times people will giggle, blush, or make subtle comments when they feel embarrassed. We might say, “I know this is stupid, but…”. Reassure your partner that their taboo fantasy is NOT stupid. We all have fantasies. Theirs is no less special or understandable than yours. Let them know as much. 🙂
- Talk about the attraction. There are some fantasies that will always remain a fantasy. I’ve discussed things with my daddy that I desire, but I will usually state, “Now, I know I’m attracted to this… but that doesn’t mean I will actually do it!”. It’s okay to be attracted to things that we will never do. The reason why things are “taboo” is because we were usually brought up to believe that it is wrong or bad. As such, the sexual activity or object becomes alluring and rebellious to do. It’s natural and understandable. That doesn’t mean you have to do it. 🙂 Give yourself a gentle reminder that it’s okay for some fantasies to always remain a delicious fantasy in your mind.
** For your convenience I have created a FREE kinks, fetishes, and taboo fantasies checklist for you to print off and complete with your partner. You can access it here! **
III. Learning the Lingo:
The last point I’d like to mention, is that when you’re having this in depth conversation with your partner, it’s vital for you to understand the lingo of the lifestyle. Often times kink and fetish get thrown around together. While they can be similar in nature (depending upon what you’re discussing) they are different things. So let’s break down a few terms to know when having an intense discussion with your partner. That way, you are more knowledgeable and can better support your partner.
- Kink: A sexual taste or preference. (Note: Many people in the lifestyle also associate the word kink with their identity and have a deep attachment to the term. This is an excellent psychology article to read over the term “kink).
- Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.
- Taboo Fantasy: A sexual fantasy that usually includes an act in which society deems is “taboo”.
- Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.
- Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.
- Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.
- Impact Play: Part of sensation play, dealing with impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.
- Cg/l: The D/s relationship of Caregiver and an adult little.
- Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.
- Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the non-gendered terms dom/dominant.
- Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to “soft limits”).
- M/s: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit. An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (scene or perhaps a week end.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.
- Age play: A form of roleplay in which the player deliberately acts an age different from their own (and usually younger).
- Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman. Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which is considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).
- RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
- SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual, a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk aware consensual kink).
- Safeword: A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.
- Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.
- Subdrop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.
- Training: Either referring to a short period of time (a scene) or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to act.
- Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.
- Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.
- Edge Play: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally. Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay. However, there are a few forms of play which almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.
Alright that’s it from me for this post, my friends. If you enjoyed it, hit that like button and let me know. Have a wonderful Monday, and I will see you all back here for the next topic! 🙂