Day 18 of Submissive Training: Discussing Your Hard and Soft Limits and Why You Have Them

Good Afternoon Friends,

I hope you all are having a beautiful day. Are you having a good day? Today we’re coming together in this space to discuss hard and soft limits. Now, for those who have been following my blog for awhile, you probably remember my previous posts over hard limits and soft limits. In those posts, I discussed the basic rules of how to talk with your partner over hard and soft limits. I stressed the importance of having a contract in place so that you can remember what your hard and soft limits are. Today, I want to give four examples of how hard and soft limits “bubbled up” in life for me, and close friends, and how we came to discover that these are our limits. It’s important to know your own hard and soft limits because there will be activities in the bedroom that you don’t want to engage in, and that’s okay. Your partner needs to know what your limits are. Are you ready for some juicy stories? Then let’s dive in. 😉

I. Paws Off, Dude: 

Let’s rewind the clock to my very early 20’s. I was young, immature, fresh-faced, and eager to explore my sexuality to the fullest. I was also heavily into gaming on popular MMORPG, World of Warcraft. As a roleplayer, I have always been a creative soul who has thrived on weaving elaborate stories online with those that I RP with. It’s a blast that I still enjoy as a part-time hobby today. However, back then I played for hours on end. Many of these RP scenes included erotic roleplay, and I loved every minute of it. Why? Because ERP is quite fascinating. Most people think that ERP is simply writing smut with another person, and in a way it is. However, when you’re gaming online and ERPing, you begin to discover little things about the person behind the screen. You learn their sexual tastes and preferences. You learn their kinks, desires, and deep fantasies. Within the virtual world, anything goes, and you are only as limited as your imagination. People have created entire worlds, families, and “second lives” (yes, just like the game 😉 ) through roleplaying with those they meet online.

One night I was ERPing with a man that I had known for a while. Most of our roleplay had been adventuring across the lands or chatting in the pub in Dalaran City. I was a gorgeous, sexy female blood elf with fiery red hair. He was a male blood elf with silky, brown hair swept up into an elaborate ponytail. We had been flirting for some time, so I knew it was inevitable that one day we would ERP. Now, here’s the interesting part: for me, when I ERP, I usually keep to things that I’ve experienced before. I might spice it up here and there, but it’s difficult to write about things you’ve never done in real life, or things that you’re not interested in at all. So, there we were, late at night when he asked me to ERP. “Sure!” I said, eager to get aroused. “I’ve got this idea for a scene” he said on voice chat. (Back in those days, it wasn’t uncommon to be sitting on voice chat with each other as we roleplayed). He then proceeded to tell me how he wanted to incorporate his pet lion into the scene.

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Now, I’m open minded, but even my eyes bulged when he mentioned incorporating an animal. However, I didn’t want to be rude. So politely I said, “err…. what exactly do you mean by… “get involved”? He then began talking to me on voice chat about how he and his girlfriend often put socks on their large dog, and have the dog have sex with the girlfriend. My mouth dropped in shock and disgust. Look, we all have hard limits and that day one of mine reared it’s head in a big way. In no way, shape, or form will I ever ERP, discuss, or even think about bestiality. To me, it’s animal abuse and a crime. To them it was pleasurable. Do I judge them? No… but I also don’t want any part of that. So, I excused myself from that conversation and the guy and I never roleplayed together again. It was just too awkward. Every time I thought of him, my mind would scream, “paws off, dude!”. (Hehe!).

II. Here, Bite My Shoulder: 

There are other times when you’ll discover that you have a “soft limit” or an activity that might feel uncomfortable at first, but you can compromise with. For me, it had to do with noise in bed. I was with a man once back in my early 20’s. I had flown to meet him for a long weekend after talking for almost a year and a half. We had grown so close emotionally, so seeing each other physically seemed like the perfect, next step. I flew out and we clicked right off the bat. We walked around town holding hands. We kissed that evening and one thing led to another. The next thing I knew we were in bed together. Now, I don’t normally think about how I sound while having sex. But like the brake screeching on a car, my ecstasy was quickly stemmed when I moaned and he suddenly pressed his shoulder against my lips and said, “Shh!… here, bite my shoulder”. I blinked puzzled, realizing that he obviously didn’t want me making noise in bed. It was weird. So I bit his shoulder and didn’t get off.

If you find yourself in a situation where you can compromise, (like one person wanting to keep things quiet, while the other wants to moan loudly), try to talk it out with each other. There usually is a middle ground that can be reached so that no one feels awkward or uncomfortable. Speak gently to your partner as you discuss the soft limit and why they feel uncomfortable or nervous. Usually there is a perfectly good reason why they have the soft limit. Take time to listen. Then discuss it and see if it’s a step that you both want to make.

III. But… We Both Swiped Right!: 

The obvious reason why you want to discuss your hard and soft limits before you sleep with your partner, is because you want to know them before you have sex. But it always astonishes me when I talk to friends who are quick to jump into bed. On one hand, I get it. There is attraction, and we get curious about how they will be in bed. But, it’s a dangerous game you’re playing as you will be gambling with your heart. Don’t believe me? Let’s think about this for a moment. Have you ever connected with a partner only to have it fizzle out shortly thereafter? You suddenly begin looking at your phone wondering when they will call. You go through a roller coaster of emotions thinking about them. Your mind spins wondering what they’re up to. Why? Because you’ve connected physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Intimacy can best be described as “into me see”. You’re allowing your partner to connect with you on every possible level. Think of it as tying together three cords in body, mind, and spirit. You don’t want to do that with just anyone, right?

I had a female friend who I’ve known for years recently message me. She was telling me about this guy she is simply crazy about. I listened, smiling and happy for her and her budding romance. “We’re getting together next week” she gushed, “I can’t wait to be with him”. “How long have you known him?” I asked. She paused for a moment. “Five days?” she squeaked. I blinked. A gallon of milk lasts longer than 5 days! Gently I suggested that perhaps she should slow down and get to know the guy better before she falls head over heels. “Just take your time” I said gently. “Do you know what hobbies he enjoys?” I asked. She had no clue. “But we both swiped right!” she protested. I almost facepalmed. Almost, but I didn’t because that would have been rude. If you’re on Tinder swiping left or right to find a mate, please… please heed my advice. Looks fade over time. Get to know the person well before you jump into bed. Discuss your kinks, fetishes, fantasies, preferences, soft limits, and hard limits before you ever decide to peel off your clothes. You will be so glad that you did.

IV. Losing Virginity to a Stripper: 

This last story is about a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for years. Like me, they are “choosy” when it comes to connecting with people. But it was only after having a negative experience that they discovered one of their hard limits. They were 21 at the time, and out at a club with friends. Everyone had been getting along, drinking, and having a good time. At the time, my friend was a virgin. Their friends kept teasing that they needed to “hook up” and finally seal the deal. So, they paid this stripper to have sex with my friend. Listening to this story years later, my friend recalled how they really didn’t want to have sex with the stripper. It was definitely a hard limit (and they quickly ran off to get an STD test afterwards which thankfully, was clean). But at the time, peer pressure made the moment almost unbearable. “So I gave in” they said sadly. I could tell they felt remorse.

Hard limits are hard limits for a reason. If your friends, partner, or anyone else is ever pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, leave. Seriously, stop what you’re doing and physically leave, because in my book that is abuse and should never be tolerated. Ever! Now, my friend has the courage to stand up and speak their mind about what their hard limits are. And I’m so thankful they do. It’s important that we all learn to defend what we like, dislike, and just would never even fathom to do.

I hope you all enjoyed this post. If you did, hit that like button and let me know! Have a wonderful Monday, and I will see you all back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten/Punkin Xx

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