Good Morning Friends,
The sun is just beginning to rise. The chickens are awake before I am today, and as I sit here with bleary eyes about to go on holiday, I am smiling, eager to write this post. Etiquette. I’ve always enjoyed studying etiquette. Admittedly, I come from a family that highly stressed the importance of using proper manners, always keeping a clean home, and knowing what attire to wear for various occasions. These lessons have stuck with me over the years, and now I am passing them down to my own daughter. It is my hope, that in this post, you find some rules of etiquette that resonate with you. I hope that something strikes your fancy, and that you incorporate it into your own D/s relationship. Never forget that etiquette and manners are free. It doesn’t matter where you come from, how much money you make, or what you look like, everyone can have manners.
That said, I suppose it’s time for my disclaimer. 😉
** Disclaimer: These etiquette rules are merely my own opinion and not that of the greater BDSM community. Please use your own judgement as to what parts of this post best fit your life. **
Alright, now let’s dive in. ❤
I. Basic Rules of Submissive Etiquette:
From the moment I chose to be a submissive in a D/s relationship, I could feel that my life was going to be different. I was going to be different. But some of the behavior that I still exhibit to this day are lessons that have been ingrained within me for a long time. These basic rules of etiquette have trickled over into my D/s life because they stem from a place of respect and honor. Here are a few rules that every form of submission can incorporate:
- Waiting to be introduced. As you’re out in public with your dominant, stand politely until you are introduced. If you’re in the presence of vanilla company, you might hear your dominant say, “I’d like you to meet…<insert your name>”. However, if you’re in the presence of other BDSM practitioners, then the protocol is a bit different. (We’ll get to that in just a bit). However, be courteous and let your dominant lead in the introductions while out in public. This is a subtle, discreet way to continue the power exchange regardless of who you’re around.
- Greeting people respectfully. It blows my mind how often I meet new people and the only thing they will say in return is “hi”. Hi is actually a quite informal word that is too often thrown around. If you want to “up your game” and impress your dominant, after being introduced try saying, “it’s nice to meet you” or “It’s a pleasure to meet you”. That denotes respect, grace, and manners.
- Modesty is a sign of respect. While out in public, wear clothing that covers up areas of your body that are only meant for your dominant’s eyes. This is actually a sign of respect. There are many fashion styles that will allow you to look chic, stylish, and comfortable while still covering your form. Try to avoid wearing anything too tight, revealing, or see through.
- Maintain a pleasing appearance. Remember, you are a reflection of your dominant. As such, you want to try to be put together when you go out in public. (No, you don’t need to look like June Cleaver in heels and pearls lol). But you should demonstrate an appearance based upon your dominant’s tastes. If your dominant loves to see you in sundresses, wear those. If they love to see you in hip-hugging jeans, wear those! The point is to impress your dominant by wearing clothing they appreciate, while still being put together.
- Walk on the right side of your dominant. This is an easy etiquette rule to remember and one stemmed in history. Traditionally, the woman walks on the right side of the man to avoid traffic, getting splashed on, or any other form of possible danger. Show your dominant that you know how to be a lady, and walk on their right side while out in public. You can even lightly take their arm as you do. 🙂
- Remember your “magic words” and definitely avoid cuss words. I once heard a person say that cuss words are “filler words” for when a person doesn’t know what to say. The more I thought about it, I realized they were correct. Sadly, we use these words to express emotion when we don’t know what to say in the moment. Try to refrain from doing so. Instead, slow yourself down to express what emotion your feeling. And always remember to use “please” and “thank you” in all that you do.
II. At BDSM Gatherings or While Out in Public:
BDSM gatherings have different sets of etiquette rules, and so should they since you’ll be in the company of like minded people. Usually the event will advertise if it is a “high protocol” party or not. However, if you’re feeling unsure of what etiquette to use while in the presence of other doms and subs, here are a few tips to remember:
- Be cautious with eye contact. Eye contact is actually a form of non-verbal domination. As such, be mindful of avoiding direct eye contact with other dominants until your dom allows you to cast your eyes around. Instead, simply stand respectfully by your dom’s side enjoying their presence.
- Address other dominants as Sir. When you are introduced to another dominant, use the terms “Sir” or “Ma’am” unless specified otherwise. This shows that your dominant taught you proper etiquette and training, and that you respect the other dominant with whom you’re speaking to.
- Be obedient at all times. Bratting has no place at a high protocol party or any other BDSM event. Save it for a private place in which you and your dom can enjoy healthy bratting together. Instead, obey your dominant’s commands while out in public as a sign of honor and respect.
- Always arrive on time to an event or get there 10 minutes early. There is no such thing as “fashionably late”. Being late actually shows disrespect to the host and you certainly don’t want to portray that! Make sure to arrive on time so that you always look favorably by the host and other guests.
- Turn off or silence your cell phone. Many BDSM events ban the use of cell phones in the event space. But even if they don’t, you don’t want to be ringing and buzzing in a place where your attention is needed elsewhere. Turn off your phone so that you don’t have any distractions or so that you don’t distract anyone else.
- Wait for your dominant to take the first bite of food and then signal for you to begin. I absolutely love this rule of etiquette because it is rooted in the Alpha male/ pack mentality. When you serve your dominant a plate of food, or if you’re out at a gathering and get served a meal, pause for just a moment with your hands resting in your lap. Allow your dominant to take the first bite of food. Savor the moment in which you are non-verbally showing them respect as your Alpha. Then they might give you a quick nod or gesture to begin eating. At that point, you’re welcome to do so.
- Don’t take photos without permission. Always remember to ask approval before snapping a picture of anyone at a BDSM gathering. Usually the event will have a system (of bracelets or lanyards) to signify who gives consent to have their photo taken and who does not.
III. Etiquette From Sub to Sub:
It’s so much fun making new friends with another submissive! There are plenty of things to talk about and having submission in common already gives a topic of conversation. However, never forget that people come from all walks of life. There are those who are more shy, while others who are outgoing and the life of the party. A few tips to remember when meeting another submissive for the first time is to remember to use a gentle tone. You want to be approachable and sometimes loud noises or shouting can startle some people unintentionally. If you’re stuck on what to say to another sub try complimenting them on their attire to “break the ice”. This is an easy way to talk to anyone. Always mind your manners and use polite words to make the conversation flow smoothly. Smile and keep a friendly amount of eye contact. (With other submissives it’s usually acceptable to maintain eye contact). And lastly, only engage in a play session with another submissive with the expressed permission of your dominant and theirs.
IV. Protocol in Domestic Service:
The last point I’d like to discuss is domestic service, because as submissives there are many times when we are caring for our dominant. Whether you’re a live-in couple, or you see your dominant on a scheduled basis, there are ways to serve their most basic needs in a mindful way. Here are a few helpful rules to maintain a high standard of etiquette:
- Never keep your dominant waiting. Try to make yourself available to their needs promptly if they call you.
- Cook meals that they enjoy. Food is an expression of love, and being able to nourish them with your cooking is deeply rewarding.
- Keep a tidy home. If you live together, try to keep your living space clean and organized. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but an organized home is a space that is more comfortable and less stressed.
- Learn to iron, sew on a button, do simple cooking, and wash clothing. These are basic life skills that will demonstrate that you can be helpful to your dominant in various ways throughout their life.
- Keep your dominant’s things organized. Your dominant will appreciate you keeping his living space organized and pleasing to the eye.
- Ask your dominant for permission on what scents to use in the home. Many people can be allergic or sensitive to certain scents or fragrances. Ask your dominant what smells they prefer and try to incorporate those. You’ll want to consult with them on what perfumes to wear, scents in cleaning products to use, and if bleach is permissible to use for hard cleaning surfaces.
Remember, in a vanilla relationship you would normally never ask your partner their opinion on these things. But you’re not in a vanilla relationship. You’re in a beautiful D/s relationship and that means honoring the power exchange between you and your dominant. Enjoy the dance of exchange that is married with etiquette and respect.
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it and found these tips helpful. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Have a wonderful Saturday and I will see you back here for the next topic!
~Kitten/ Punkin XOXOXO