Good Afternoon Friends!
I hope you all are having a productive and happy Wednesday. In this post I want to focus on punishments, funishments, and what “red flags” to look for and avoid. If I’m being transparent here, I’m a bit of a good girl and a “softie” at heart. I try my best to adhere to my daddy’s rules. All…. except one. I knew it would be a challenge when we agreed upon the rules together. No cussing. Not a single beep-worthy word is supposed to slip from my Irish-Sicilian tongue or else I have to send Daddy a picture of a body part of his choice. Needless to say, he’s racking up quite the photo collection of me (lol). This is an example of a “fun”ishment. Are you ready to explore more about the different between “fun”ishments and punishments? Then, let’s dive in. ❤
I. What is the purpose of a punishment?
In the world of D/s, punishment is actually an important tool for dominants to master. As submissives, we seek guidance, love, comfort, and strength from our dominant. We look to them to guide us in ways that we can’t really guide ourselves. Does that make us weak? No. But everyone has weaknesses, and we choose to learn how to strengthen ours with the help of our dominant. Our dominant creates rules to help provide structure, stability, and guidance in ways that will uplift, nurture, and comfort us. These rules are designed with our best intentions at heart. However, there also needs to be a punishment in place for each infraction incurred.
Now, for some dominants, creating a punishment (or even the idea of carrying out a punishment with your submissive) comes easily. For others, it can be a bit of a struggle. But I would encourage all you beautiful doms to remember that we, submissives, need your guidance (including punishments!). When we mess up, correct us. If we brat you, discipline us! When we pop off and back talk, spank us right over your knee, because we won’t learn otherwise and you always want to keep the shift of power in your favor as the dominant.
II. When Punishment Becomes Abuse:
Now, I need to pause here for a moment and discuss the difference between healthy punishments and actual abuse, because sadly, in the world of BDSM there are instances of submissives being abused by their dominant. I know, because I’ve had it happen to me. When I was with my very first dominant, we fell into our D/s relationship fast. I was so new to the lifestyle that I leaned on him for nearly every bit of information about how to be a submissive (mistake #1). He, in turn, didn’t want me to research about being a submissive at all. He was stern about creating a rule that my only knowledge about how to be a sub had to come from him (red flag #1). So, naturally, I obeyed because I didn’t want to upset him. We spoke regularly as long-distance, but I noticed that as I tried to get to know him, he would clam up even more (red flag #2). As I pushed for information, he would explode in anger and use our communication as a way to control my behavior (red flag #3). I cried near-daily trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I yearned to be a good submissive, but he didn’t want to teach me. He wanted to control me. For example: he told me repeatedly that I didn’t need safe words, but instead “because he is the dominant he knew my limits” (red flag #4). Slowly I began to walk on eggshells allowing him to control me (mistake #2). Finally, my curious spirit began to push back. I researched BDSM without telling him, and in doing so, I began to learn what a healthy relationship should look like. It was nothing like the relationship that we had together! After confronting him and demanding to create a contract together, he exploded again and threatened to cut things off. I broke things off then and there, and that was that.
But if I’m being honest… it really messed me up for a bit. I cried buckets trying to figure out how this part of me that had been unearthed could get so torn up by someone.
D/s abuse does exist and it is very real. Exchanging power in an intimate relationship is nothing to take lightly. There are various forms of abuse that happen to both dominants and submissives including: physical abuse and harm, mental/emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. Here are some classic signs of abuse including (but not limited to):
- If your partner punishes you while they are angry and/or are out of control.
- If your partner uses the relationship (or communication) as a “weapon” or an ultimatum.
- If your partner doesn’t allow you to use safewords.
- If your partner doesn’t follow the 4 necessary steps for healthy play: (consent/communication, play, aftercare, and debriefing/feedback).
- If your partner changes the nature of play in a way that is against your consent in any way.
- If your partner fails to ask (or follow) your hard limits.
- If your partner calls you names that are demeaning, degrading, or harmful in any way, shape, or form.
- If your partner withholds critical information, lying to you during your relationship, in ways that erode the trust of the bond.
- If your partner explodes in anger often, thus negating the rules within the relationship.
- If your partner goes for long periods of time without contacting you at all.
- If your partner takes out their frustration and stress during impact play.
IV. Creating Incentives to Avoid Punishment:
I know this post is heavy, my friends, but punishment is a more serious topic. So, thank you for reading thus far. In this section I want to shift our focus on creating incentives for your sub to deter negative behavior because the goal is to get your sub to want to obey you and your rules. Now, incentives are pretty unique to the individual. Some littles are happy with sticker charts that reward them with a small treat. Other subs desire sexual rewards, while still others want date nights out. Personally, my “love language” is affirmation and praise. When my Daddy is giving me praise for completing tasks and working hard, it makes my heart feel so full and happy. I feel appreciated and loved. Everyone has their own love language and I would encourage you to seek and understand what your love language is. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, “love languages”, it is based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestseller, “The Five Love Languages” book.
A while ago I wrote about what I believe are the “five love languages of Littles”. It is similar to Dr. Chapman’s research in relationships and communication, but it focuses on how littles respond to their dominants in various ways. (Side note: if you’re interested in learning more about the “Five Love Languages”, Dr. Chapman has provided a FREE quiz on his website for you to take and enjoy). Find out what your partner needs to feel affirmed, appreciated, and nurtured, and then create incentives based around their individual desires.
V. Alternative Punishments to Corporal Punishment:
For a couple of years my husband and I tried to be a D/s relationship. For quite a while it was a struggle, because by nature my husband is not the stereotypical “stern dominant”. He’s actually a pretty chill, playful, happy guy. It worked well for my little side that needed a caregiver, but for my more mature submissive side that yearned for a swift spanking…. well, not so much. My husband felt awkward punishing me, and I know he’s not alone in being, what I so lovingly call, “a gentle dominant”. There are many dominants who prefer to focus on punishments in ways other than using implements or spankings. This last section is dedicated to all of the gentle dominants out there. 🙂
There are numerous benefits to incorporating more gentle punishments with your submissive. This is especially true if your submissive has mental health issues, mobility limitations, or has past trauma with physical abuse. Always discuss with your submissive any form of punishment and get their consent prior to enforcing it against them. This will make for a smoother execution of the punishment. Some forms of gentle, non-corporal punishment includes:
- The Thought Spot: Put your submissive in the corner and have them think about their behavior.
- Lines: have your submissive write out “I will not disobey daddy/mommy” on lined paper.
- Domestic tasks: give your submissive extra work around the house to help with as punishment for their infraction.
- A letter of apology: have your submissive write a heartfelt letter of apology for whatever rule they broke.
- Withholding privileges: This could range from taking away their gaming controllers, TV abilities, etc.
- Denying orgasms: for some this might fall into the “fun”ishment category, but for many, denying the right to orgasm will surely make your sub correct their behavior… fast.
Focus your punishments on things that will encourage your submissive to not continue with the negative behavior and to help modify their actions to a positive result. Never threaten to breaking off the relationship or cease communication with your sub because this is abuse and will cause your sub to feel scared and abandoned by you. Focus on creating incentives to reinforce good behavior in your sub. And you both will be well on your way to many long happy years together. 🙂
Alright my friends, that’s it for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Jump on the bandwagon if you’re new here, and follow my blog for more fun, daily posts. And I will see you back here for the next topic!