Good Morning Friends,
How are you? I’m sitting here, clad in a comfy, grey romper onesie, thinking about all of you on this quiet, Thursday morning. I hope you all are doing well. Today I want to talk about that moment right after an orgasm. I want to zero in on aftercare and why it’s so vital to do it with your submissive. If I’m being raw and transparent here, I turn into a snuggle-bug right after I orgasm. This is especially true during an intense play session. The harder I’m pushed, the harder I orgasm. And the harder I orgasm, the more I need lots of aftercare.
I’ve never been one for quickies. Truthfully, I think quickies were invented by vanilla peeps, because people within BDSM know that every sub needs lots of affection, physical care, and emotional support post-coital. Now, are you ready to get down and dirty with me as we learn about aftercare? Then, let’s dive in. 😉
I. Why Aftercare is So Important:
It took me years to realize why I felt emotional right after an orgasm. For the longest time, I didn’t understand. I blamed that need on simply being a woman. But the truth is, that every person feels open, vulnerable, and tender right after cumming. Our bodies have gone through a roller coaster of hormones, adrenaline, physical secretion, and emotional stimulation. It’s only natural that what goes up… must come down. It’s in that “coming down” part where aftercare plays a major role. Let’s focus on the physical first. After a play session (with or without orgasm), your submissive is going to need physical care. Rub lotion, aloe, or gentle oil over their skin if you’ve done heavy impact play. This will soothe the marks on their skin. Check for any open wounds and bandage them appropriately if need be. And remember to give your submissive a large glass of water to rehydrate. (You don’t want them dehydrating and getting a headache!).
The next step is emotional reassurance. I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that you emotionally reassure your sub after a play session. They have gone above and beyond to try and please you. They have surrendered their body to you to do as you see fit. Now, it’s likely that they want to simply nestle up in your arms and be loved upon. Hold them. Kiss their forehead. Reassure them just how much you love them, and how proud you are of their actions. This will emotionally recenter your sub as they come down from the high.
I should note here that some submissives who aren’t able to be verbal right after an intense play session. This is especially true in heavy S&M sessions. Everyone is different, but if your sub might go non-verbal, make sure to have a care plan in place prior to engaging in play. Find out what they need for aftercare before you begin your play session. That way you won’t need to rely on verbal cues as you care for them.
II. Don’t Forget the 4th Step: Feedback!
I probably sound like a broken record at times telling you the four stages of every healthy play session, but it’s only because it’s important that we all remember each step and its purpose:
- Communication and consent
- Debriefing and feedback
How many times have you gone through a play session, taken care of your submissive, and then forgotten to get feedback from them? I’m over here raising my hand, too. 😉 It’s easy to forget that 4th and final step, but it’s important that we get feedback from our partner. Why? Because we always want to be growing, learning, and evolving as sexual beings. We need feedback from our partner to modify and learn what their specific needs, tastes, and desires include. We want to learn the nuances of what makes them “tick”, and strive to remember them for the next play session. So, once you’ve stabilized your submissive and you’ve both showered and are comfortable, make space for post-play communication. Here are a few questions I recommend asking your partner:
- Did you enjoy our play session? What worked and what would you change?
- Is there something new you would like to incorporate for the next play session?
- How was my tone during the play session? How did it make you feel?
- Did you receive enough physical touch and pleasure?
- Was there anything that made you feel uncomfortable in any way?
Never be too shy to share your feelings with your partner. They want to know your feedback because it will better help them gauge their actions for the next play session.
III. What is sub-drop and why does it happen?
First let me express that I wrote this next section with the permission of my husband. I wanted to get his consent to share something so private. Now that we got that out of the way, let me share with you my own experience with sub-drop. If your submissive experiences sub-drop, that doesn’t mean that you’re a “bad dominant”. It means that you missed a vital step in aftercare, and need to correct things promptly (and try to not repeat your actions in the future).
At the time, my husband and I had just made love in the most passionate way. He held my favorite vibe to my clit, making my body shake and quiver for what felt like an eternity. I squirmed in pleasure, making him restrain my body ever tighter in his hold. Finally, I shattered. I came so hard that I squirted, squealing with unbridled ecstasy. Every cell in me felt release. It was euphoric. I was on cloud nine. I fell into a happy, blissful, babbling puddle. I don’t even think I spoke coherently. I was just a curled up ball of limbs that felt like jell-o. My husband felt warm and sticky, so he got up from the bed and went off to shower. It was an innocent mistake, but in those seconds and minutes right after orgasming…. I needed him. I needed to be held. I didn’t care if we were sticky and wet. I didn’t care what we looked like. I needed touch. I needed aftercare. Instead, the bed was empty beside me.
My brain began to rationalize through it, but a tidal wave of hormones and emotions came crashing down overhead in a way I hadn’t expected, and suddenly I went from, “YES YES YES!!!” to “I think… I’m gonna cry!”. I blinked back tears. I remember my mind racing, as I thought, “why do I feel so sad?”. I felt all mixed up inside. Meanwhile, he was off showering completely unaware of my meltdown. As a few tears slid down my cheeks I resolved to try and nap off the depression. So I passed out. When I woke up, I felt a little better, but still my mood was “off”. I didn’t want to be touched. I felt distant and not at all bubbly and touchy-feely like I usually am. Finally, my husband noticed and pulled me aside to try and understand what I was feeling. Sub-drop is real, my friends, and it can be ugly.
If your submissive is experiencing sub-drop or the symptoms of: depression, fatigue, lethargy, and feeling distant post-play session, you need to get in there and assist them. There are many ways to fight against the feeling of sub drop. Try engaging them in an activity that they enjoy. Hold them close and help them process through their feelings. Spend time doing simple “vanilla” activities, like going on a date, or getting some sun on your face, that will help lift their mood. Cook them a nice meal to nourish their body. Most importantly, just with any form of depression, reassure your sub that they are NOT alone! You are there to help, guide, uplift, and protect them. Physical touch goes a long way. What they are experiencing is a temporary chemical imbalance that is in response to the hormones felt during the play session. Reassure them that they will most certainly be feeling centered, grounded, and back to their baseline in no time. ❤
IV. What to Do If You Make a Mistake in a Play Session:
So, you’re in a play session and you’re in control. Or maybe you’re all tied up and feeling in the moment. And then it happens. Something occurs that breaks the scene for a moment. It happens to all of us. What should you do? Well, the first thing I would recommend is to own your mistake. The second thing I would recommend is to not dwell on it. There will be plenty of time to debrief about it afterward, but don’t dwell on your mistake because you don’t want to kill the mood completely. Simply acknowledge it, and move on. Then, after the play session and aftercare is over, discuss why the mistake occurred, how your partner feels, and what you can do in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t mentally beat yourself up over a mistake while in play. We are all human beings on this crazy journey called life. We are all figuring out about our own sexuality, needs, desires, and what feels right in our kink life. It’s a process, my friends. An ever-evolving, fluid, process that is shaping your own practice as you grow both individually and with your partner. Embrace your mistakes. Learn from them. And then rise.
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. I hope you have a terrific Thursday and I will see you back here for the next topic! 🙂