Can Compassion and Sadism Go Hand in Hand? [Guest Spotlight with Sir Hanz]

Good Morning My Beautiful Friends!

It’s Friday!!! Do the happy Friday dance!! Ready… set… go!

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Do you have any fun plans for the weekend? Personally, I am counting down until I see my Daddy on Monday. Yay!!! Today, I want to feature a wonderful man, and fellow BDSM practitioner, Sir Hanz, here on the blog. Sir Hanz has his own blog, Knotty Thoughts, which I highly recommend. So head on over there and show him some love. Smash that follow button and enjoy his fantastic poetry, lifestyle articles, and intriguing stories. Now, let’s turn our focus towards today’s post topic: can compassion and sadism go hand in hand?

I first became intrigued with Sir Hanz after reading his posts, and discovered that he takes a different approach towards sadism. So often we see the sadist portrayed (within the world of BDSM) as someone who thrives on inflicting pain on their submissive. They relish it. But, what if there was a more gentle mindset that a sadist could take? What if there was a sadist that could gain pleasure, not from inflicting pain per se, but more from pleasing their partner through impact play? What if there was a sadist who focused their energy within their D/s dynamic on “active submissive”, a stance where the submissive does things for their dominant of their own free will to demonstrate their love, loyalty, and compassion, versus “passive submission” where the submissive is commanded to do so?

As I delved deeper into Sir Hanz’s blog, I learned about an entirely new viewpoint that I think needs to be spotlighted within the BDSM Community: Kind Sadism. Dominants who marry compassion with domination. Dominants who place the value of “do no harm” above all else. Dominants who perhaps don’t act like the stereotypical, “stern, aggressive” dom, and yet, can still make their submissive yield willingly because their command comes from a place of deep love and respect for their partner. I hope you all enjoy this complete interview that I did with Sir Hanz. Make sure to head on over to his blog and follow him for more exciting, and informative posts in the future. Now, let’s dive in. ❤

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The Basics:

Name You Prefer to Be Called: Hanz

Age: 40

How long you’ve practiced BDSM: 21 years

Dominance style (Sir, Master, Daddy, Owner, etc.): names or honorifics have little to do with actual dominance.  I go with Sir because it was the first title as a dominant I was called. Its really not that important other than as a show of respect from someone who had gifted me with their submission.

D/s Status (Taken, Available, Looking, etc.): I am currently single, however I do have someone I am interested in.

Interview Questions:

Your background and Viewpoints:

  1. You mentioned in your post about how you came to be a dominant that you come from a background of having a Buddhist father and a Quaker mother. With a childhood stemmed in nonviolence, how has that shaped your mindset as the dominant you are today?

I feel like it had a lot to do with my desire for consent. I need to know without a doubt that a submissive wants what I am offering before I will ever touch them in a D/s fashion.  I also think it has influenced my want to avoid any actual harm. Hurt is fine.. I enjoy that if they also do. But lasting harm… no.

  1. Is there a specific form of communication style that you would best describe how you interact in your D/s relationship?

Nope, all communication is good. There are times when it would wreck the mood and I may want to talk to a submissive about it after such an incident. But freedom of communication not only builds trust but enables a dom to work at making the dynamic better in a multitude of ways. Bottom line should always be “if it’s important,  say it.”

  1. Does your identity as a dominant within BDSM ever trickle over into other sectors of your life? If so, how?

Not much. I only allow myself to be dominant with someone who enjoys and has excepted that side of me. I don’t feel it’s right for me to act that way towards someone who has not offered their submission.

  1.  How would you best describe what a D/s connection, from your personal experiences, is all about to an outsider or someone new to the lifestyle?

That’s a big one… a D/s connection  is as widely varied as people themselves.  For me the type of connection I try to form with any submissive is one based on love and devotion.  That’s a big word… devotion. Think about the things in your life that you have been truly devoted to, now imagine that it’s a person. Now imagine what it would be like if that person loved you. What would you not be willing to do for them? Aside from your hard limits… not much. Now imagine you trust this person completely.  You know you are absolutely safe in their hands without question.  How free would you feel to indulge in every kinky desire you may have? Yeah.. that’s my personal definition of a bdsm connection.

  1. On your blog, you’ve mentioned practicing as a gentle Sadist. Can you elaborate more on what a gentle sadist is, as opposed to the traditional viewpoint of what people believe a sadist to be?

  😉 Kind… not gentle. Big difference there. A traditional sadist takes pleasure form inflicting pain on others. They don’t care if you enjoy it or not. It’s not about you.

 A kind sadist takes pleasure from inflicting pain BECAUSE the submissive enjoys it. And derives no pleasure from suffering that is not enjoyed by others.

  1. What forms of punishment do you generally refer to as a gentle Sadist?

Totally depends on the submissive.  Punishment must be tailored to the person.  If they enjoy something.. take it away.. or give them so much of it it becomes painful to endure. If they dont like something but it’s not a hard limit.. that often works well as punishment as well. The important thing is that it be a learning experience.  Punishment without learning destroys trust.

  1. From your experiences, how have you gone about training your submissive? 

I don’t train my submissive. We talk, discuss things we both enjoy, and explore them together.  I prefer active submission,  where the submissive is actively seeking new ways to serve and finding pleasure in making me happy. It means a lot more to me when a submissive for example.. cooks me dinner. As opposed to me ordering them to cook me dinner. If it’s an order they are just following instructions.  If they do it out of devotion and a desire to make me happy.. it is not only submission but shows love and care as well.

  1. Would you mind sharing a fun, or wild S&M story for my readers to enjoy? (As always, please use only the first letter of the submissive’s name to protect their identity.  ).

Alright.. so this one time at band camp…

 Sorry.. couldn’t resist.  Most of my stories of submission are vary personal due to the nature of the connection I form with a partner.  I don’t share them lightly. The few I have shared on my blog were always for a specific reason. To teach or to show an aspect of a certain kink in a light most people outside the lifestyle don’t understand.  So I will have to pass.

  1. What would you say is the most rewarding part of being a dominant? 

Besides the unconditional love and devotion of someone I find beautiful in both body and mind? Hmm.. getting frequent massages?

  1. Do you use any Buddhist or spiritual strategies in your D/s dynamic? If so, what do you do?

Not so much strategy as good advice. Buddhism teaches mindfulness,  in or out of bdsm being aware of yourself and why you do things is always important.  Even more so for a dominant where a careless movement may cause harm and loss of trust. I do practice meditation (though not as much as I would like) and that helps me refocus on the things in life that are the most important.

  1. Are there any practices that you do to mentally and physically prepare for a play session?

Like stretching?  Lol pulling a muscle is a definite mood killer. Seriously.. especially as we get older its important.  Mentally there is always a ton going on in my head. (Unless I have been out in the heat too long) as a dominant,  I plan. And then I make contingency plans. And then I think about how I may respond if things go entirely different from what I had planed. And once all that is done… I forget it all and just focus on how things feel.. taste.. smell.. the sensations of play. The plans are all still there but I no long need to focus on them.

 

Other BDSM Questions:

  1. I absolutely loved your post on BDSM ethics because there aren’t many people out there discussing how to be ethical towards your submissive. What do you think is the #1 mistake that dominant’s make towards their sub ethically, and what can they do to prevent from making such a mistake?

Hmmm… I’m not sure there is one in particular, but playing with someone that is using bdsm as a cover for not having to deal with past trauma or mental health issues is one I have seen more often than people in the community would likely admit to. This is not to say that people with mental health issues shouldn’t be into bdsm, just that it shouldn’t be used as a substitute for real useful therapy.  Part of the responsibility of being a dominant is the care of the mental as well as physical health of your submissive.  Failing to do that because you just want to play with them and not caring about the possible harm your causing is not only not ethical but also just being a bad person.

  1. Keeping in line with ethics and BDSM, how do you feel about a dominant having multiple submissives? Have you ever had more than one sub at a time?

I have never had more than one submissive.  Honestly it just sounds like too much work. If a dom has the time and resources to give more than one submissive the care and attention they need and the submissives like the arrangement I have no problem with it. But if you work full time and try to juggle two full time submissives there just doesn’t seem like there is enough hours in the day. Someone will end up hurt.

  1. In your post about active and passive submission, I loved how you described active submission as one where “the sub can anticipate their dom’s desires, wishes, and act upon them without being instructed to do so”. What has been one instance in which your sub actively submitted to you and did something that made you feel deeply loved and appreciated?

Oh! Good question!  I work a lot.. and its often vary physical work. Sore muscles and small injuries are just a part of my life. I cant even remember a day in the past 3 years I didn’t wake up sore. So when my alarm went off and I woke up to getting a massage with my morning tea siting on the bedside… wow.. she had woken up early and made my tea, then warmed up the oil and started with my back, working her way all the way down to my feet. Then led me to the shower and washed me. I tell you what… if that don’t put a spring in your step all day then nothing will.

  1. I was deeply moved by your “Nice Guy Problems” post. It was as though I could feel frustration in your writing. Do you still believe that being a nice guy in the BDSM community is a hindrance when finding a mate or submissive? If so, why? 

Yup. I definitely do. Mostly because of the stereotype of how doms are often portrayed.  If your nice, you must be a pushover.  If you’re an asshat then you must be used to giving orders and being obeyed.  This is totally untrue but most submissives don’t realize that the dom that will treat them well is secure enough with who he is that he doesn’t feel the need to try to dom everyone at the party.

15 comments

  1. Another great interview, Punkin’. I can agree with Sir Hanz on many of his points regarding sadism and other topics. His philosophy of “kind sadism” is very similar to my own thoughts in many ways. It’s funny how it ended with the discussion on “Nice Guy Problems”. I think you and I were discussing that not too long ago. How a Dom doesn’t have to be mean and overbearing to be dominant. Unfortunately, there is a subset of dominants (and porn videos) out there that generate the misconception that only “bad boys” can be Doms. But, I can wax philosophy on that subject for days. Lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So true, Daddy! I know it isn’t the popular opinion, but one of the main reasons why I stopped watching porn (especially BDSM porn) is because it promotes many misconceptions about the D/s dynamic. Sadists are portrayed as being these rugged, unfeeling, assholes… when really, sadists and dominants can be incredibly kind, wonderful people. 😉 Thank you for your love and support, always ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wonderful interview! I loved seeing “kind sadism” as a thing. It’s so hard as a masochistic submissive to find anything other than “my way sadism”. Refreshing to see I’m not alone in my desires to find just that, a kind sadist.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, my friend! You’re absolutely right. There needs to be more of a spotlight on all of the wonderful, kind sadists out there. They are truly strong, but giving individuals. I hope you have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I really loved this and so similar to my Sir. I’ve never thought about active submission before, yet it’s something I do. I make Sir’s lunch every day and without question, not because he has asked, but because it saves him money and I know that he enjoy them. “Baguette-me-not” is his favourite, chicken and bacon in pesto mayonnaise – coined by yours truly 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooo!! Do you have those recipes on your blog? If not, you should totally share them! I’m always on the hunt for something tasty to whip together in the kitchen. 😉 I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! *hugs*!!

      Like

      1. I have been thinking about encorporating more “vanilla” stuff. I also made some Bara Brith (Wesh mottled fruit bread) yesterday which has been a huge hit – and my simple ginger ice cream. Okay, I promise, I’ll make a note to add them soon 🙂 xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post! Daddy is like this as well. He takes me into consideration above all else. We talk about everything and find what works for us. Overall, He is not a demanding Dom unless we’re playing. He strives for my active submission which comes from my loyalty and love for Him. Other Doms have tried shaming Him for being the kind Dom He is. That saddens me greatly, for so many have no idea how to treat a sub with respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely agree with you! And that’s crazy that people would be mean to your Daddy! I can tell that he is a wonderful man, and you two make such a beautiful couple ❤ When the haters start talking, just brush off your shoulders and keep on stepp'in, right? 😉 Because you're absolutely correct. A real, healthy dom is someone who cares for their sub above all else. It isn't about the power or control so much as it is about an exchange of love, loyalty, trust, honor, and understanding. Big hugs to you, my friend! And a hug to your Daddy too! 🙂 Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This interview was truly a joy to read. As someone new to the scene I find myself struggling with the fact that I am not the stereotypical “Dom” regarding why I inflict pain on my sub. My pleasure does not come from inflicting pain for the sake inflicting pain, it does not come from a dark sadistic side of me the requires me to do such things to my sub, but rather what inflicting that pain does for my sub. Penny, thank you for conducting this enlightening interview. SirHanz thank you for the insightful views and for telling the world that Kind Sadism can and does exist.

    Liked by 1 person

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