Good Morning Friends,
I come into this space with you from a place of peace and calm. Today I want to open up a bit of my past with you to show someone out there that, if you are in an abusive relationship, there is a way to get out of it. I want to show you that you can live with scars (both literal and figurative) and still thrive. I want to give someone out there hope. If this post does that, then my work is done. Now, let’s dive in.
I. Physical Abuse:
It has taken me nearly all 35 years that I’ve been alive to understand that abuse exists for so many reasons. But the main thing to remember is that: it’s not your fault. Sometimes the abuser has been abused themselves. Other times there are anger issues well beyond your control. However, whatever the real, underlying reason is that the physical abuse is occurring, there is never a need to resort to violence against another person. I have been physically abused in several past relationships. If I’m being honest, it was a time in my life that was so volatile and angry. I was angry at life. I was angry at the baggage I had, and that attracted the company of people who were also angry at their own baggage.
In my situation, tempers flared. Hands went flying as did objects aplenty. Tears were shed and eventually the bruises got worse. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, please get out. Trust me when I say, I know what it’s like to have to lay in the bed for days with ice packs all over your body to try and keep the swelling down. You’re likely terrified of going to the police or seeking help. I was too. Maybe you have children in the situation and you’re terrified of going through a custody battle. I was too. But you know what? No one deserves to live in pain like that. You are nobody’s punching bag. The fear that you have right now of leaving is nothing compared to the hell of remaining in a physically abusive relationship. I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this. I believe in you.
II. Emotional Abuse:
When I pause and think about how many people I’ve met online over the years who has poured out their guts to me, I frown in sorrow. There are many broken people in the world living with emotional pain and abuse. It is my greatest wish that I can give people some measure of happiness and hope wherever I go, and with whomever I connect with. When I think of emotional abuse, I think of my very first dominant. He wasn’t a bad person. Not really. But he was broken. He had deep pain and walls so high that I don’t know if anyone can ever break them down. And yet, I tried. I am an optimist full of hope, and I think a part of me wanted to “save him” from his demons. Yet, the more I tried to reach into the well of darkness, the more he lashed out at me. Day after day we spoke on voice chat (he was living in South Korea and I live in the U.S.), and his anger manifested in various ways towards me.
He would scold me for asking questions, such as: what is your name? what do you do for a living? how are you feeling today? Things that I thought were commonplace when you’re in a relationship with someone. Yet, he didn’t want to have his identity revealed. He wanted to control me. He wanted power. He was a sadist for all of the wrong reasons. In my desire to serve him he had he hit myself across the face multiple times. At first I tried to lessen the blow. I don’t like being hit in the face. At all. But his voice would growl in my headset to hit harder until he could really hear it. Admittedly, I have a difficult time saying no. So I hit myself harder. We never had a contract. He didn’t believe in the use of safewords. When I needed emotional reassurance he would recoil and cut off communication. The hours of silence made me weep. It was a sick game of tug-of-war that eventually I got sick of and walked away.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re being demeaned, threatened, degraded, or spoken to in a way that is abusive… leave. Block the person. Put stock in yourself and know that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values your self-worth. You deserve to feel safe in your connections. You deserve to feel nurtured and fulfilled by your dominant. Never settle for anything less, my friend.
III. Sexual Abuse:
This is probably the most difficult type of abuse because it’s so violating, but I want you to understand that if you’re out there experiencing this type of pain… you’re not alone. It is my hope that in this section that you understand that sexual abuse can take many forms. Rape manifests in many ways. The bottom line is: no means no! If there isn’t consent, then it is rape. I don’t care if you’re married or not. I don’t care if you’re in a committed relationship with children or it’s a stranger being predatory. If there is NOT consent, then it is rape. Period. That said, here is my story.
I was with a past partner for almost 4 years. We were deeply committed to each other and had moved in together. The first 2 years everything was fine. We were your typical vanilla couple. We had our arguments, but he didn’t explode at me back then. Over time I began to see him withdraw. Naturally, if I see my partner pulls back, I call it out. I address the issue head on. It’s just how I roll. But that method did not work well with him, one bit. I would address the issue and he would go deadly silent. It was as though I didn’t exist. He would completely ignore me, which only made me more angry and hurt. I was at a loss as to how to fix our relationship. Finally, one night I was shouting in absolute frustration and he said, “I’m trans”. At the time, I had no idea what that meant. So, I began researching. I was with a man who wanted to become a woman. He stated as much to confirm my research.
** Disclaimer: I am the biggest advocate for LGBTQI+ but please, please always be up front with your partner about your sexuality. Honesty is the best policy. **
In the final two years of our relationship, things went from bad to hell. He wanted to play the role of the woman in the relationship. As a straight, cis-gendered female, this was a lot for me endure. I felt lost. On one hand, I wanted to obey my then-partner. On the other hand, everything they wanted me to do felt…. wrong. Foreign. Unnatural to my instincts. I was made to wear strap on’s in bed and do things that… really made me feel awful inside. When I finally began to refuse, he used sex as a weapon. I felt deeply broken inside. I would say no, but at the time I thought, “it’s him! Is it rape if he just takes me against my consent, even though it’s my partner?”. Yes! It IS rape. Finally, I was so numb to everything that I literally packed a few things that were most precious to me, and after being up all night with him exploding… I left. He found me once and raped me one last time. Then, I went so far away that he never found me again.
I started over. Years and years rolled by. I got therapy. A lot of therapy, actually. I began to heal. I had to deal with my baggage and my actions. The process of healing and coping with those emotions isn’t pretty. But it can be done. Which brings me to my last section. ❤
IV. How to Get Help:
I want to leave you with a few hotlinks if you are out there in need of assistance. There is always a chance to get away from abuse. I promise you that the fear of leaving is less than the nightmare of staying. Choose to put yourself first. Choose to give yourself a chance at a better life. A life where you can sleep in peace and comfort. You deserve it. I love all of you.
National Sexual Abuse Hotline:
1-800-656-4673 (open 24 hours a day)
They also have an online chat available here.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
U.S. Directory for Women’s Shelters:
Stay strong, my friends. I love you.
P.S.- Thank you for sticking through me through these 60 Days of Little Introspection. Stay tuned for many more fun posts to come, as we shift into September! ❤ Xx