Whispers in the Music [Reflections]

I close my eyes tonight. Every now and then I’ll hear a whisper.

A soft beckoning that reminds me of a time that once was. I grow still, and quiet, welcoming it into my space.

Warmth. Large, rugged hands. Hands that once were proud to hold mine.

Fragmented. Shattered.

Where did I go wrong? Innocence lost.

And yet, the music remains. Please don’t go… the whispers become softer.

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I squeeze my eyes tighter.

“Stay”, I plead.

The music fills my heart.

Let’s hang on, to what we’ve got.

I hear your voice in my head.

Big girls don’t cry, you sing in a voice pure and smooth.

Blue piercing eyes that see through my soul.

A replica of you, and yet, so different.

Looking at you, I reach forward, stretching with all my might.

“Oh yeah I’ll tell you something, I think you’ll understand…

When I say that something… I wanna hold your hand.”

Just as I’m about to reach you, the cold wind hits my face.

“You know I love you, but I just can’t take this”Ā  the whisper says

“You know I want to, but I’m in too deep”.

Like icy rain, a piece of me shatters as I wince in pain.

“Dad!” I scream, “try to see it my way. Do I have to keep on talking till I can’t go on?… We gotta work it out….”.

Like leaves in the wind, piece by piece, I watched you flutter away….

Falling to my knees the cold began to mold my fragile heart shaping it anew, leaving a void in your wake…

“Hello, darkness my old friend… I’ve come to talk with you again….because a vision softly creeping… left its seeds while I was sleeping… And the vision was planted in my brain… still remains… within the sound of silence”.

The heart of a Little beats in the halls of darkness. A time of what once was. Yearning for a stable figure, one who won’t leave.

Mindless wanderings… searching… breathing… yet numb. Country roads…. take me home…. to the place… I belong….

Tears… hollow fears shroud me like an unwelcome blanket….

I wanna know what love is…. I’m stuck in the middle with you.

One foot trying to turn back, while the rest of me continues to move on.

And just as I can’t bare to go on…. I find you there.

A warm breath flows over me, wrapping me in a serenity I’ve never known.

Like the finest wine you become intoxicated too. Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name, and it feels like home.

Intertwined fingers. Promises made. Vows taken. Knees to the earth I bow my head in total submission.

Only then do I finally feel whole. The Little within loved once again. The young girl inside, at last, cherished and held close.

With a silent prayer to the sky I whisper, “You can let go now, Daddy. You can let go. Your little girl is ready, to do this on my own. It’s gonna be a little scary, but I want you to know, I’ll be okay now daddy…. you can let go….”.

A gust of wind caresses my cheek as the whispers finally die away.

And all that’s left is me.

19 comments

  1. I’m so sorry to hear of your pain, Penny. Oddly enough, I had a thought of my Dad yesterday, too. It was odd because of all places, it was at the shopping mall, which was somewhere he hated. However, the path up to the mall seemed longer, winding. At the top was him. I asked why he was there and he said he’d come to see me. It does hurt, but we can take comfort in these small moments of their presence šŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Elena. Isn’t it strange how grief and emotions bubble up at the most unlikely of times? *Hugs* Your comment made me feel so loved, so thank you for the love, my friend. ā¤ Have a beautiful day! xx

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  2. This was extremely touching in so many different ways. As always, Iā€™m in awe of how you express yourself, especially when unlocking and using this kind of creative expression. It was beautiful, Punkin. ā¤ļø

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! Your passion, your creativity, your depth of feeling really blows me away. A fragile heart? Yes, I can relate. Sometimes all we want in life is to be held close and told that’s its all going to be better. You are amazing Penny. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. *Hugs* Thank you, Marty. I think you’re amazing too! You’re absolutely right. All of us are seeking that human connection, that safe space where we can just be real, little, vulnerable, and be loved unconditionally. Sending you a huge hug today, my dear friend. Xx ā¤

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  4. So deep. I will say that the hello darkness song lyrics took me out of the melancholy mood and made me laugh. It’s a internet meme, now. So um…I…I’m so sorry. But yeah, that dialogue was hardcore.

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  5. I would like to know more about the narrative behind this piece if you are willing to share. Did your father leave at some point, or pass away? That must have fucking hurt. Or of course, maybe one of your previous Daddies? Either way, I felt everything you felt as through osmosis. You expressed your feelings so well. I feel the relationship you have with your Dom, and how it relates to your past…a lot of us have gone through that. I’m glad you can articulate how it feels. So well. It is almost an indescribable feeling. Thank you, Penny. ā¤ Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww thank you, Kuudere. ā¤ *BIG HUGS* As for your question, my dad is alive and well, but is one of those people who has chosen a life where he only thinks of himself. He doesn't strive to have a real relationship with any of us kids, and continues to make decisions that pushes people away. It's quite sad because when I was very little he wasn't like that. It's only as he got older that he has grown bitter against life. It's all the more reason that I choose to spend so much time with the people I love. xx

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