Good Afternoon Friends,
I wanted to write this while the raw, pain still lingers. So often you read about how to cope with sub-drop. I’ve written about sub-drop and what to do if your submissive is experiencing sub-drop symptoms. But today I wanted to zero in on the feeling itself of what it’s like to be in your Little head space and all of a sudden, that shatters. You have to shift in the blink of a second into your adult mindset. Yes, I know that I’m a legal adult. I know that I have responsibilities, which is all the more reason why Little Space is a vital part of my life. It’s the space of release. It’s the space where I’m happy, light, and without a care in the world.
Today I got yanked out of Little Space. I’m experiencing the disconnected feeling of it all. So I’m writing about it here in hopes that every other Little out there knows that it’s not unusual. It will pass. Things will get better, time does move forward and heals your wounds.
But it’s still okay to feel down. I feel down right now. So let’s zoom in the microscope on this feeling.
My Little Space is wholesome. When I’m regressed I feel silly, playful, and carefree. Such was the case when I yanked on my Halloween leggings today. I’ve been eager for the calendar to roll into October for so many reasons. And so in Little Space I yearned to text Daddy C about my leggings in a playful way. It was no fault of his own that he was in a moment of his adult responsibilities. But I want to use this example to demonstrate how the tiniest things can knock you out of Little Space. I’ve been yanked out of Little Space for the following reasons before:
- My child suddenly needs me.
- I get a phone call that requires the adult side of me.
- My husband needs my attention.
- Someone knocked at the door.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. The most vanilla things can happen, and suddenly we go from “Oooo! Yay!! Look at me, Daddy!” to “Oh! (blinks) Dang I didn’t know that was going to happen!”. Life happens. Accidents happen. Adult things happen. Shit happens!
And then, we begin to sink. The glitter begins to float down from the sky. Our happy adrenaline that we experience in Little Space plummets and suddenly the euphoria crashes leaving us quiet, introspective, and withdrawn. Some call it depression. Some call it sub-drop. Call it what you will, but I like to call it a roller coaster and here’s why. You begin to plummet feeling the initial crash out of Little Space. Your mind jars, shifting to whatever it is that got the attention of your adult self. You hit that rock bottom where you no longer want to babble, play, or wear cute clothing. You just have to deal with whatever it is that has “big me’s” attention. So you do. You deal with it.
Then you snake into a curve of moving from depression to irritation. I call it “feeling like a cactus” because personally I get quiet and withdrawn. I don’t want people to come close to me. I’m grumpy! My pretty Little Space got ruined! So back off! That’s how my mind thinks in the moment. I retreat inward and cross my arms in a huff. I glare angrily at the very thing that kicked my Little Space out of whack, giving it my meanest look. And then I roll into another curve of the roller coaster, and on the cycle of grief and processing, I shift to simply feeling… quiet. Sullen. My anger has waned and now I begin to dissect what happened.
I reflect upon the moment. I look back at how I started the day so happy and carefree. I look back at how excited I was to show off my new Halloween leggings to Daddy C and on my Twitter. I frown reflecting on how I felt in that moment of our text exchange. And instead of feeling another tsunami of emotion, I sit here and ask myself deeper, probing questions:
- What am I feeling here in this present moment?
- Why are these emotions bubbling up?
- How can I cope with these emotions?
- How can I convey these emotions to my partner in a healthy way?
Because no doubt Daddy C and I will need to have a discussion sometime soon over the next 24 hours. And it will be in that stage (towards the end of this emotion/cycle) that I will be calm, rational, and succinct in how I feel. But right now I am doing raw processing with you. My heart hurts. I feel quiet and withdrawn. I feel still and silent. I feel off and unsettled. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel everything that I’m feeling. It’s not easy to shift from Little Space to your adult self. It’s not easy to be an age regressor.
Come to think of it…. I don’t think we’ve ever discussed that on my blog.
Just for the record: it’s not easy to be a Little, Middle, or an Adult Baby. If it was, everyone would want to do it. But because Little Space is a head space that is so open, vulnerable, and emotionally welcoming, when you do get hit with a negative emotion it’s like hitting an open wound. It hurts significantly more. You have to shift into your adult mind to begin the healing process rapidly. (And this wasn’t even an intentional hit!). But I digress. I’m getting off track, and I apologize.
Today I am reaffirming myself that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to make space for self-care and love. It’s okay to take time to process through emotions. Because just as a roller coaster slows down, I am slowing everything down. I will re-examine what went wrong, and how I can better approach things in the future. I will do my best to keep my emotions in context and not allow my ever-bubbling mind to spiral. I will process. I will heal. And I will stand back up to dance in Little Space again.
So, today I got a boo boo.
But… thankfully I have a whole toolkit of sparkley, unicorn-clad band-aids (and life skills) handy to mend myself and make it better.
It is my hope that by using my life as the “guinea pig” here, that other Littles out there can realize that D/s relationships all take work. Nothing is perfect all the time. Accidents happen. Mistakes happen. Emotions ebb and flow. We’re all only human. But we learn from our mistakes in hopes of making a stronger and better future as a couple. I hope you all are having a relaxing and soothing Sunday.