Good Evening Friends,
Tonight I want to ease back into the topic of communication. As someone who is polyamorous, I wanted to focus tonight on how to communicate when you have more than one partner. I often get asked, “How do you find time to balance two relationships?” or “How did you tell your husband that you wanted to have a partner outside of your marriage?” or “You’re polyamorous?? Doesn’t your husband get jealous?!”. Tonight, I’m going to tackle how I manage my time in two full-time relationships. Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in.
I. Know Your Role:
When I first came together with Daddy C, he and I had already been talking for quite a bit at length about what role we would serve in each others lives. All the while I was sharing the information with my husband and keeping the communication flowing between all three of us. This is critical because there has to be consent from all parties before you decide to take on a relationship outside of your marriage! With my husbands consent, we moved forward to begin our partnership, and a major part of that was defining our borders and boundaries. I am married. Daddy C is married. So we knew right off the bat that we needed to establish what type of dynamic we were and who is playing what role. Daddy C is my dominant. Cappy Quinn is my husband. I am the wife to Taliron and the submissive to Daddy C. By establishing boundaries, feelings don’t get hurt. My husband knows that I kneel and serve Daddy C, and Daddy C knows that I am happily married to my husband.
II. Be Able to Speak Openly About Everyone Involved:
One of the ways that we make polyamory work is by keeping open dialogue between all of us. I can talk about Daddy C to my husband, and I can talk about my husband to Daddy C. And Daddy C and my husband can talk to each other! By keeping an open dialogue between all of us, there is this beautiful free-flowing space where thoughts, feelings, and ideas can move with each other. Here’s the real truth: polyamory is not for the faint of heart! Feelings will bubble up. Thoughts will form when you’re apart from your partner, and if you don’t have strong communication in place, your relationship will suffer. While I try to focus on just me and my partner in every moment, it’s also nice to be able to speak about my real life! Daddy C talks to me about him and his wife, and I talk to him about my life and my husband. This gives way to transparency and a deeper feeling of being connected.
III. Releasing the Idea of “Having” to Be with Your Partner and Instead Choosing to Be with Them:
One of the ways that polyamory has changed me is my thinking towards being present in a relationship. Before I decided to take on plural connections, I had a very “vanilla” mindset and way of thinking: you are with me, and I am with you. If you look at another person I will claw your eyes out. Likewise, you have locked me down and therefore I am totally yours forever and ever amen. And, if this is your line of thinking, that’s fine! Truly, I understand it completely.
But polyamory has a different line of thinking, and that is: I don’t “own” you. I don’t need to lock you down to make you mine. Instead, we show up into this relationship with each other because we choose to be present with each other. While you have another partner/s, when we are together we give 110% to each other fully being in the moment. Then, we make space to also understand and support each other when we are not together because we choose this path of polyamory. Ultimately, it all comes back to love. We love to love and support one another. We love to nourish each other in our lives. But let’s not think that it’s all rosy all of the time….
IV. Embracing the Up’s and Down’s:
Life is messy and beautiful. Polyamory is messy and beautiful. More people and connections means making space for more love and emotions flowing, and that’s perfectly okay. Only you know what feels right in your soul. Only you know when a connection with another person feels good, right, and uplifting. Having two full time relationships keeps me on my toes. I embrace the good times and the hard times. There are days where we are having intense conversations with tons of emotions flowing and I am actively listening for hours at a time! Then there are other days where I can be totally silly and Little. Just like any monogamous relationship, it ebbs and flows. The difference is that in a poly dynamic, you need to be more patient and understanding that your partner can’t just “be there” every single second of the day. And it’s in those spaces of silence where you’ll need other things to fill the space.
For Daddy C and I, because we are long distance and there are times when we can’t talk, we fill the space with texting, pictures, and swapping funny memes. With my husband and I, we use Google Hangouts to chit chat here and there while he’s at work. Then, there are other times where we have individual time to read, play games, or do whatever it is that we enjoy as a hobby. 🙂 Personal time in a poly dynamic is important too! 😉
V. When You’re Together, Focus on Each Other:
The last point I’d like to mention is focusing on your partner when you’re present in the moment with them. When I’m with Daddy C, I’m totally his. When I’m with my husband, I’m totally with him. Do I ever text Daddy C while my husband and I are relaxing? Of course. But Daddy C knows my schedule in advance, so we can schedule our talking times around my husbands schedule and the two don’t overlap too often. Likewise, I know Daddy C’s schedule and understand when he can talk, and when he can’t. We shift and flow with one another. There is deep respect, love, trust, understanding, and patience all around.
Polyamory may not be for every person, but it certainly works for us. ❤ ❤ ❤
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here and I will see you back here for the next topic!