Good Evening Friends!
Tonight is the final installment of this “Real Talk” communication series. I really hope you enjoyed it. If you missed some of the previous posts, in this series we discussed the following:
- Part 1: 4 Ways to Stay Transparent with Your Partner
- Part 2: How to Communicate in Multiple Partnerships [Poly 101]
- Part 3: 4 Strategies to Diffuse an Argument
- Part 4: The Four Deadly Horsemen of Relationships
Tonight I want to finish this series by discussing jealousy, because so often I get asked: “Doesn’t your husband get jealous of you and Daddy C?” or “Does Daddy C get jealous of you and your husband?”. In truth, no one really gets jealous of each other because we all knew what we were getting into when we first met. We met as two married couples and we remain as two married couples. Daddy C and I have a beautiful partnership. And my husband and Daddy C have a warm, respectful friendship. How do we make it all work without “stepping on toes” and making people jealous? Well, let’s jump in and find out! 🙂
I. Jealousy is Rooted in Insecurity:
My husband told me once that jealousy is really an emotion that arises in a state of feeling insecure. It was as if a light bulb came on in my mind. He was absolutely correct! Every time that I’ve felt jealous it’s because deep down I felt insecure (in some way) within myself. But in our polyamorous dynamic jealousy really doesn’t flare up. Why? Because all of our connections are incredibly strong. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Daddy C and his wife have been together for 17 years. Daddy C and I have been together for 5 months (and growing!). And so because we place a very high importance in being in long term relationships, there isn’t a fear of us simply “jumping ship” or leaving the relationship, when arguments happen.
We also make it a point to talk…. a lot! Being in a polyamorous dynamic you have to be willing to communicate often and give tons of time to your partners so that there are no jealous feelings of time not being spent together. Is it always perfect? No, of course not. But when we are needing for time, we simply say so. There is no shame in stating: “I’m missing you like crazy!!” because chances are, your partner is missing you badly too! By stating your feelings openly (whether good or bad) you diminish the possibility of jealousy creeping up because everything is out in the open.
II. Jealousy Makes Friends with Anger:
Often times I’ve noticed that jealousy is coupled with anger or frustration. You feel jealous and as your mind swirls with thoughts you grow angry and royally annoyed. Instead of communicating the need that you’re lacking, you “stew” on the feeling as it grows and grows inside of you. Quite frankly, having a polyamorous dynamic means keeping a close track of how you allocate your time. Daddy C and I run on two very tight schedules. Between work, families, D/s time, and individual time…. our hours are numbered at the start of each day. We don’t have a lot of time to “stew” on things. Sure, we can have disagreements. But we also come back around and say: “Okay look. I’m mad. You’re mad. Let’s talk this out so that we don’t stay mad, because I love you and you love me and we’re awesome. End of story”.
III. Polyamory Approaches Connections From a Place of Love:
Another reason why jealousy doesn’t come into our relationship is because we have approached our relationship from a place of love and support from the start. I knew Daddy C was married when we connected. He knew that I’m married. We made sure that consent was given all around and that everyone was on board with this dynamic before we became a full-blown couple. By doing so, we laid a strong foundation. Then, as we continued to grow and get to know each other, we placed more emphasis on being a supportive, loving partner for each other, and less focus on being “strictly” D/s. Are we a D/s couple? Oh absolutely. But more than that, Daddy C and I are companions. He shares the intimate details of his day to day life with me, and I do the same with him. We encourage each other in our goals, the roles that we have in our respective families, and be an active listener for each other in times of stress. We approach our connection from a place of love, and by doing so, there is no reason to get jealous of anyone else. Does that make sense? Everyone is included in our connection, and by staying in this mindset it squashes jealousy completely.
IV. Every Connection is Unique:
One of the many beautiful reasons why I enjoy polyamory is because both of my relationships are so distinct and unique from each other. Daddy C and my husband are completely different types of people. They are both wonderful men that I feel blessed to walk through life with. But I also love rejoicing in their own individual qualities. Nani and I are best friends and spouses. We are playful, super silly, and massive cuddle-bugs with each other. Daddy C and I are passionate, very talkative, playful, and deeply in sync with each other. I love that with my husband I can go completely non-verbal and it’s like he can read my mind. He knows my body language that well. I love with Daddy C that he can sense my true needs well before I ever articulate them. I love that my husband is a giant nerd and gamer. And I love that Daddy C is amazing with his hands and loves the outdoors.
Every relationship is unique. Being polyamorous, there is never a need to compare one relationship to another. There is never a need to stack yourself up against your partners other partner. Be who you are, and let them be who they are. Trust in the relationship that you’re building. Rejoice in the love that you share. Create your own memories with each other, and support your partner in the rest of their life (and their partner/s). By doing so, jealousy will never be an issue. 🙂
V. What to Do if Jealousy Arises:
So let’s say that you’re moving along in your poly relationships and suddenly you or your partner begins to feel jealous. What do you do? Well, from personal experience the best thing to do is to always talk things out clearly and openly. Don’t just state that you’re feeling jealous. Tackle the “why” of the jealousy issue. Give your partner a chance to correct the problem and work together to smooth things out. The second thing I would recommend is to put things in place to ensure that the problem that created the jealous feeling doesn’t occur again. You want both of your partners to feel loved, desired, cherished, and needed by you. It can feel like a “tall order” some days, but it is completely do-able. Find out what your partners true needs are, and work hard to fulfill those needs. Speak their love language. This will calm things down and dissolve those feelings of jealousy.
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!