Good Afternoon Friends,
I come into this space quiet, reflective, but at peace. A long time ago now, I wrote a blog post about why D/s relationship break up’s are so painful. When I first entered the lifestyle, I was with a dominant who had his own issues and as such, our compatibility suffered. Nonetheless, as a highly sensitive person, breaking things off was painful. I struggled and pressed on, determined to learn more about myself… what my needs are… and to find a dominant who could guide me into becoming the best me I can be.
Fast forward 5 years.
I’ve always had the belief that people are like walking books. They are filled with stories, experiences, and quirks that are unique to the individual. Sometimes you’ll mesh and absorb a book so fiercely that you want to hold onto it forever. Other times you will know quite quickly that things aren’t a fit. Then there are other times where you think you’ll fit with someone… only to slowly put the book down together, each tenderly holding onto a side of the cover… as you quietly, and peacefully let go.
When Gwyneth Paltrow coined the term “conscious uncoupling” years ago with her ex, I thought she was crazy. Break up’s are supposed to mean loss… pain… and hurt. They are supposed to sting and make you jump face first into your favorite comfort food, right? But…. what if it doesn’t have to be that way? For a bit now, things have been in a stage of limbo for me, and for the sake of my ex-dominant, I am going to leave most of the private details, private. But I will say this.
Not every “break up” needs to be painful. Instead of pain, it can be replaced with peace, understanding, love, and support. Such was the case with my recent break up. It was quiet, gentle, peaceful, and deeply loving. Because at the core of us, there will always be love. I think when you reach a level, like we did, the love really doesn’t die. It simply changes. It manifests into something like a permanent chapter etched on the pages of your heart and soul.
Once upon a time, a man wrote a few words that moved me completely. This is what he said:
He longs to mark her heart,
scoring his name onto it so that she carries him with her,
always remembering, exactly who her heart beats for.
My ex-dominant… and it’s so strange to call him that… etched his name onto my heart. He marked his name there, to last for all time. We may not be lovers and partners anymore, but we are friends. Loving, supportive, nourishing friends that lift each other up whenever the need arises. We are friends who care deeply about each other because the bond was forged in unconditional love.
So we consciously uncoupled. We went from being a couple, to consciously moving apart into individuals again. I am monogamous to my husband and he is so loving and supportive of that. Just as I am deeply supportive and loving as he moves forward on his journey.
I wanted to make this post to tell you that it’s okay to feel your way through a break up of any kind. Allow yourself to ride the highs and lows. Allow yourself to lose sleep to write those late night emails and text messages to your partner with your most raw thoughts and emotions. Allow yourself to gain a pound or two as you soothe yourself with coffee ice cream… or whatever strikes your fancy.
But then, recenter into a place of love and peace.
Remember the good times. Remember the best times!
Find a reason to smile when you think of them. I know that I smile when I think of him. I always will. Have a beautiful weekend, my friends.