Good Morning Friends!
Today’s post kicks off a 10-part series with my dear friend, Elena, over at “Ten Shades & Me”. She and I will be covering a range of topics within D/s relationships as we are both married to our loving dominants. So please head on over to her blog, smash that follow button, and come along for the journey! 🙂 Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in.
I. Dabbling the Buffet of Submission Styles:
When I first came across the concept of domination and submission, I was roleplaying. The tall, sexy, male elf that I was playing with in Final Fantasy 11 didn’t become my dominant. But he crafted a scene that resonated with me far beyond the moment in which we acted it out. There’s something about roleplaying that pulls in all of your senses. You’re acting out the story right then and there together. For me, I still remember my heart thudding as he pulled a scroll from his velvet jacket. “I want you to become mine” he said to me, as we sat side by side in a secluded grove. “O-okay” I stammered. I was a sexy mithra (cat-creature. Go figure, right? 😉 ). He made me sign my name on the scroll. Then we sliced our fingers as he took a small vial of my blood. For the next few months when we would roleplay, he would make me do tasks for him across the world of Vana’diel. It wasn’t steamy or erotic, but there was something about being in service to another that made me feel… wanted. Needed. And desired.
Fast forward to when I entered the lifestyle nearly 10 years later. No one told me that choosing your submissive style meant getting to explore a vast array of styles and concepts. But, my friends, that’s exactly what it means. Being a submissive is akin to your fingerprint. No two styles are exactly alike. You can adopt the same label, but how you weave submission into your life is entirely up to you! So stroll along the long buffet of choices and do what every person does in those restaurants: taste, dig in, and explore. Learn about the kajira in the Gorean subculture. Study the pleasure slaves who wear nothing but a collar for most of the day. Then dive into the lifestyle of ponygirls and ponyboys who compete and train for hours at a time. Take a walk down the lifestyle of pet submissives who tap into their inner spirit animal, and then savor a taste of the wives who are taken-in-hand. Each of the various paths of submission is worth taking the time to explore, see if it piques your interest in any way, and if so, then dive in for further study. You deserve to take the time to explore who you are, where your needs lie, and what forms of submission stimulate your being.
II. Consent is at the Heart of Every Good Dominant:
I recently had a dominant-friend ask me, “May I call you…?” and then he called me the nickname that he prefers. I felt my lips curl into a smile. Why? Because consent is a trait that every good dominant understands. Plus it feels great when someone asks for your permission. It’s a sign of deep respect. Whether you’re speaking with a friend, partner, or whomever in the lifestyle, you always ask their consent to call them a name. You get their permission on what they would prefer to be called. In this lifestyle we hear consent being spoken about constantly. Get consent before you play. Get consent before you draw up a contract or agreement. Get consent before you try a new toy.
But what does “getting consent” really mean? And why is it that important?
Your body is your temple. You are the owner over your body. You have the right to allow (or not) whomever you want to touch your temple. But at the end of the day it is your choice and no one else’s. People in the lifestyle know this. When you choose to submit to a dominant, you are giving permission for them to touch your temple. You are giving them sacred access to your being in a way that you don’t normally grant. You are giving them a true gift of trust with your consent. Trust that they will adhere to your limits. Trust that they will protect your temple, once inside. Trust that they understand the magnitude of you revealing yourself to them. And an understanding that a violation of consent gives you the right to revoke their access to you at any given time.
In the BDSM lifestyle we see images of doms and subs with the words: “You are mine” splashed over the image. We read words such as: “I own your body” or “This belongs to me”. And yes, there is a power exchange that has occurred that is very much real. But it all falls back to consent. What you’re seeing is voluntary submission. Voluntary slavery. A choice made by the submissive to allow the dominant to exert power over them, because that is what they yearn to feel and experience. So I urge you to remember that the power always begins with you, my fellow submissive. Take charge of your temple and be mindful of who you let inside.
III. Weaving Your Submissive Styles Together:
One of the greatest gifts I gave myself along my journey of submission was the acceptance of realizing that I’m not just a Little. Sure, I am an adult Little who loves animated movies, bite sized food, and all things kawaii. But, I’m also quiet, thoughtful, and I pay attention to detail. I crave giving service under the realms of voluntary slavery and to be used like a fuck-toy. Now at a glance, those two paths of submission might seem like they would clash. But just as we all have layers of who we are inside, so too is our submission one of many layers and sides that comprise who we are.
Give yourself permission to be your most authentic self. Accept who you are.
Begin by sitting down with your dominant (or simply by yourself!) and share the various parts of you. Each piece of your submissive style drives a need that you have. There’s a reason why you’re deeply drawn to certain paths of submission and not others. Embrace your preferences. Then, formulate a plan with your dominant on how you can best integrate each side of yourself into your D/s relationship. That might mean making time for little space and making time to kneel on a pillow next to your dominant. You might need cartoon shows and time to do an erotic dance in a uniform for your dom. But I encourage you to make space for every side of yourself, because each piece of your submission is what makes you… uniquely you! 🙂
IV. It’s Normal to Evolve as a Submissive:
The woman (and sub) that I am today is definitely not the same woman that I was when I entered the lifestyle. When I think back to the woman I used to be with my very first dominant, there was so much that I didn’t know. I didn’t understand how consent worked. I didn’t know what red flags I should have been looking for in a partner. I didn’t know the type of submissive that I wanted to be. I didn’t understand how safe, sane, and consensual play (S.S.C.) should have been at the forefront of all of our play sessions. I didn’t even know that I needed safe words!
Now I’m a very different woman. I’m a woman with a voice. I’m a submissive with an opinion.
It’s completely normal to evolve and shift as a submissive over time. You’re constantly growing, learning, exploring, and feeling your way through the process. As such, you might start out on one path of submission only to find that you’re drawn to another aspect of the lifestyle. Guess what? That’s perfectly okay! 🙂 The important part is to honor your growth and the shift within yourself. Vocalize your changing needs to your partner and yourself. Then work hard to carve out time to dive into your new tastes. We all only have one life to live, so let’s make it magical.
I hope you all enjoyed this post. Please stay tuned for the rest of this 10 part series of “Married to Master” and I will see you back here for the next topic!