Good Morning Friends!
Today we’re back with another installment in the “Married with Master” series that I’m collaborating with my dear friend, Elena over at “Ten Shades & Me”. If you haven’t hopped over to read her post, please go do so. She is an incredible writer and person, and I feel blessed to work together as we discuss all things about being D/s and being married.
Today we will be discussing rules and protocol. Like so many out there, in my early months into the lifestyle, I sat on YouTube watching video after video of Dd/lg couples. It was there that I saw the reoccurring theme of every little having rules from their dominant. And yet, no one really explained why we have rules in the first place! (That’s definitely an important part of the picture). So, today I will be sharing with you what my rules are with my husband, as well as explaining why rules are a central theme in the D/s lifestyle. Are you ready to explore with me? Then, let’s dive in. 😉
I. Creating Beneficial Tasks to Entice Obedience:
Ask my husband what the most difficult challenge was in the early stages of our D/s relationship, and he will tell you that it was creating tasks. He didn’t want to make me do anything for the sake of keeping me occupied. And he shouldn’t, because that is not what D/s tasks are all about. The central concept for creating a rule for your submissive is to have it fall under one of the following criteria:
- The rule helps and uplifts the submissive.
- The rule is designed to support a goal that the submissive has.
- The rule is designed to gently mold the submissive into giving service that is more personalized to the dominant.
For me, my rules fall under all three of these areas. For example: I’m to workout 5 days a week. I also have to drink at least 64 ounces of water a day (8 glasses). Hubby has no problem gently checking my Fitbit or my water bottle to make sure that I’m on track. I am also required to run every purchase by him before I buy something. He gives me plenty of free rein to purchase what I need (and want), but he retains control of our finances as he is the head of the household.
Then there are other rules that are designed to ensure that I am performing service to his needs as the dominant. I cut his hair every Saturday to his liking. I make sure his clothes are washed, folded, and organized so that his morning routine is smooth and stress-free. I keep ice in the ice tray filled so that he can always have cold water at all times. I do little tasks like that uplifts his life on the day to day level.
II. Keeping a Pulse on Your Submissive’s Mind:
Like the majority of families out there, weekday mornings in our household is a sprint from 6 am- 8 am. From the time the alarm sounds, I am up fixing breakfast, getting the kiddo up for the day, and making sure that hubby has everything that he needs. By the time that 7 am rolls around, the family needs to have been fed, the dishes are getting washed, and we are sprinting in opposite directions whilst saying, “I love you! Talk to you online!”. Thankfully, my husband is in the tech industry with the flexibility to talk to me online here and there while he’s at the office. Which leads me to my next point: having domination over your submissive’s mind.
It can be exceedingly difficult to have domination over your submissive’s mind. After all, we’re strong, independent people who voluntarily surrender our power. And yet, we crave being dominated for one reason or another. My husband knows this. He knows that I am a torrent of creative energy and a bouncing ball of emotions, which is why he developed the “daily task email” so many years ago. Unlike my day to day rules, I also receive an email every morning (Mon-Fri) from him right when he arrives to work. The email is broken down into several parts:
- D/s and Sexuality
- Interpersonal and Social
Within the email he will ask me critical thinking questions, such as: I noticed that you were quiet this morning over breakfast. What’s on your mind? OR You had mentioned wanting to dive more into a Buddhist practice. Elaborate on that for me and describe in detail what that would look like on a day to day basis. OR What fetish are you most wanting to explore at this time?
By giving me critical thinking questions, he always has a pulse on how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking, despite us having limited time to talk during the work week. It helps greatly! I email him back and then he can read it at his leisure in between his work. By the time he returns home, we can dive into things further face to face. 🙂
III. The Power of Good Manners:
Now when it comes to protocol, Hubby and I are very much on the same page. It is expected that I carry myself like a lady. But if I’m being honest, manners have been ingrained in me from a very early age. Like my husband, my parents drilled “please” and “thank you” into my head. We hold the door open for people if you see them stepping through the shop exit. You dress in clothing that is flattering to your form, nothing too revealing or too short. You know how to set a formal dining table. And you learn to listen at a very early age. All of these life lessons I apply on a daily basis with my husband. The greatest of which is having respect for him.
Growing up in the Philippines, he learned respect from a very early age. There are words and gestures in Tagalog that indicate that you’re showing respect to your elder. It is expected that the man is the haligi ng tahanan (or “walls of the home”) while the wife is the ilaw ng tahanan (or “light of the home”). The walls protect, treasure, and guard the light. The light warms, serves, and quietly illuminates the space. So, too, does our marriage (and D/s dynamic) work that way. He works full-time supporting our family, and I raise our child and care for the home. While we are a very playful, bantering couple, when it comes to serious issues and hard topics, I’ve learned to be quiet and simply listen. I let him speak and say everything that he needs to say, and then I quietly give my opinion. (If you’d like to learn more about compassionate communication, I wrote about it in depth here). It works for us and having good manners will serve you for life.
IV. Learning to Be Transparent:
The last point that I’d like to touch upon is transparency. When I think of my D/s relationship and my marriage, I see it like a window. You can do things to smudge the glass. You can cover up the sections to hide certain things from the view of your partner. And if I’m being radically honest here, in past relationships… I have lied before. I’m not proud of it. But it’s a terrible choice that I made. With my husband, one of the things that I was determined to do from the moment we connected (and this was before I was in the lifestyle) was to be 100% honest at all times. Now, at face value that seems great, right? But, it also led to many disagreements because I was just that blunt! Over the years, 7 to be exact, I learned that there is a great balance where you can be 100% honest and yet phrase things with compassion. And thus, we learned about compassionate communication.
Being transparent with your dominant is critical for many reasons. Some of which include:
- Your dominant needs to know where you are at mentally at all times to be able to guide you.
- Having complete and total honesty allows the relationship to strengthen considerably as trust builds and stability improves.
- Keeping your needs and feelings open with your dominant at all times, will allow them to craft tasks that are tailor-made to your current state of mind.
These days, if you were to see my husband and I in person, you would notice immediately that we don’t “look” like the stereotypical Dd/lg couple. Do I regress in private and snuggle up to a movie? Sure, we did it last night. But 95% of the time, I’m simply me. A bouncing ball of happy energy that is ready to tackle the world. Hubby and I fist bump and joke around with each other. We say we’re best friends first, before being lovers, partners, and parents. Why? Because that’s my ride-or-die right there. Because for seven years we have worked exceedingly hard to build up a relationship that is brutally honest, yet deeply loving. We have (and continue to) study each other’s needs with a tender, loving hand. I am his submissive, but I’m also his wife. This means that I take pride in wanting to support him in his goals, just as he helps me flourish on here with all of you. 🙂
So go ahead and be 1000% open with your partner. Let them into your heart and mind. Share with them your insecurities and the goals that you dream about, even if it’s scary. Go there, and allow them to get inside every part of your being. You won’t regret it. And just as your dominant will know you… get to know them too. ❤ Search their heart and mind. Tenderly serve them with love and patience. Lift each other up and hold hands as you baby step forward together. The journey is so well worth it.
I hope you all have an amazing weekend and I will see you back here tonight!