Good Morning Friends!
The sun is just peeking up over the horizon and I’m thankful that it’s a new day. Thank you to all of you for the sweet outpouring of comments and love these past 24 hours. You all are truly an amazing group of people. ❤ If you are new to my blog, or are jumping into this series for the first time, hi!! Welcome!! I’m so glad you’re here! My dear friend, Elena, over at “Ten Shades & Me” and I have been collaborating on this blog series where we discuss being D/s with our husbands. It has been a blast and I hope you enjoy our posts too! Please go check her out, smash that follow button, and show her some love.
Today we are discussing punishments and behavior modification. Punishments are a large part of D/s relationships for several reasons:
- The dominant has to put measures in place to be able to guide the submissive, as well as getting them back “on track” when they break a rule (knowingly or not).
- The dominant should be striving to gently push the submissive towards their own personal goals, and that might mean punishing them if they display self-destructive behavior.
- The dominant needs to have behavior modification strategies in place if a rule isn’t broken, but the submissive is testing the power exchange dynamic.
So, are you ready to explore this topic with me? 🙂 Then, let’s dive in!
I. Time Out and Why I’m Typically a Good Girl:
Whenever the topic of punishments comes up into conversation with other D/s folks, I always tend to fall more quiet. I listen and learn about what their dominant has implemented in their life. In truth, I don’t get punished very much at all by my husband! As he would say, I am pusong mamon (or tender hearted. Pusong means “heart” and mamon means “soft cake”). As such, we have had to set up a non-traditional way to “discipline” me if/when I act out, and that all boils down to time out. Oh, how I hate time out! Time out for me is akin to feeling lonely. We have this gazebo in the backyard and on the rare chance that I act out, he sends me to cool off by sitting in the gazebo to think about what I’ve done. He doesn’t raise his voice. He simply points, gives me the look, and says, “go”. That is enough to make me feel crushed, sad, and I apologize quickly.
Which is why I would label myself as a “good girl” by nature. It’s in the fabric of my being to serve and obey. Growing up I’ve never been one to break the rules despite having a bit of a mouth. I’ve never been arrested. I only got detention once in school. In short, I just don’t like breaking the rules. And that mentality is also how I approach my D/s relationship too. I’m very careful about what rules are established in our dynamic. I didn’t let my husband just “make rules” that he thought were best. We sat down and discussed them at length. I listened but also gave my opinion freely, because I wanted to make sure that the rules and measures that he wanted to implement were things that would be realistically achievable. Having taken those steps, it has made it much easier for me to follow his lead.
II. Using Critical Thinking Questions to Modify Behavior:
Daddy and I use compassionate communication in our marriage, which is just the psychological term for active listening and gentle speech. We make it a point to not shout. We can disagree and get irritated, but we don’t shout because that puts way too much stress on us emotionally. (Plus my anxiety hates loud noises). Instead, in those moments where he feels the need to modify my behavior, he will begin to ask me questions. I’ll give you an example of this in action. Recently we were exercising together when I was griping about the couple of pounds I gained over the holidays. He listened, completely silent, before interjecting his thoughts. “What made you want to purchase sugary treats from the store?” he asked. I glanced over at him. “Well… it’s the holidays!” I said. I figured the answer was sufficient, but no. He wanted me to go deeper. “And?” he pressed. I opened my mouth, and then closed it. Why had I bought so many sweet treats, I wondered. It’s not like Christmas will be cancelled if you don’t consume donuts and a cake for Santa. “I don’t know!” I said at last and began to pout. “Perhaps that’s simply something you need to reflect upon” he said and gave my hand a squeeze.
He knows that the best way to modify my behavior is to get me to see why I made the mistake in the first place. If I understand my actions, then likely I won’t repeat them. And if I do repeat them, then he steps in and it’s off to the gazebo I go. But usually, as a normally introspective person, having these moments of critical thinking is enough to help modify my behavior.
III. Helping Your Dom When They “Slip Up”:
I wanted to take a moment here to discuss what to do when your dominant makes a mistake, because it’s something that we don’t talk about often. But let’s get real: doms are people too! They’re going to mess up every now and then. They might lose their cool, or come down too harshly. They might break scene and do something out of character, or be struggling with their own personal battles that impact their ability to guide and lead. This is all normal, and it’s in these moments that your dominant needs your love and understanding. Be patient when they slip up. Remind them that they are no less of a dominant simply because a mistake happened. Dig deeper to remind yourself of the beautiful bond you share. Discuss fully what each of you is feeling inside, and make sure everyone is heard. Your dominant needs you just as much as you need them. You are their treasure and you are priceless.
IV. Establishing Limits for Punishment:
Daddy and I are big on limits. When we first came together years ago, we sat down with a giant checklist (and a contract) and discussed each of our limits, and why it is a hard or soft limit. I wanted to know where his limits were and if there was any trauma from his past. Likewise, he did the same for me. Then, we uncoupled a few years later, reverting back to just a normal, married couple while I had other dominants. We had to work on ourselves greatly, and we did so through those experiences. Eventually we came back together again as D/s. But still, we sat down again and discussed our limits. We had grown and evolved as people, and so our limits had shifted. Things I had once deemed as hard limits (ex.: flogging) now I craved. So, we reestablished our limits and began to flourish again. We use gentle guidance as the medium for our D/s relationship, and while that might be unusual in the BDSM community, for us it works.
Find what limits and methods work for you. Take the time to sit down and really discuss them at length. The best way to surrender your power is to be completely open and honest with your partner. Let them know what your needs, wants, fears, and desires are. Get real with them, as it is a space of non-judgment. Then, when your dominant knows where your limitations are, they can establish punishments (and FUNishments 😉 ) that will keep you feeling safe, protected, and nurtured.
I hope you all enjoyed this post. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Comment below and tell me what your typical punishment is. I’d love to hear from you! Have a wonderful day, and I will see you back here this afternoon!