Day 1 of The Dominant’s Den: How to Cultivate a Positive Self-Esteem in Your Submissive [Gentle Guidance Series]

The Dominant's Den

Good Evening Friends!

Tonight we are kicking off 31 days of “The Dominant’s Den”, a series designed for dominants who wish to infuse more gentle guidance and overall kindness into their D/s dynamic. Daddy and I have been using compassionate communication for years. But more recently we began exploring gentle guidance together. Unlike the stereotypical D/s relationship that we see in the media, where the dominant is portrayed as a stern, inflexible, person, this series is going to focus on using active listening and healthy, motivational strategies to help dominant’s get the best behavior from their submissives.

Today’s Topic: How to Cultivate a Positive Self-Esteem in Your Submissive

I. Guide From a Place of Compassion and Love: 

I’ve read many books on BDSM, and while there are some phenomenal works out there, there are very few books on approaching domination from a gentle perspective. When you first decide to enter the lifestyle as a dominant there are a few questions I would encourage you to ask yourself:

  • What is it about domination that resonates with you?
  • What are you looking for in a submissive?
  •  How do you control your temper?

Gentle domination flips the common stereotype of dominant’s on its head. You guide from a place of love, not fear. You encourage, not criticize. You use positive reinforcement and motivation to uplift your submissive, instead of coming down hard on them to attain results. This strategy works exceptionally well with submissives who cannot handle harsh criticism, or have mental health issues. (Note: some D/s couples find that firm, direct communication works best in their relationship, and that’s perfectly fine. As always, do what works best for you!). 

The first piece of advice I would give you is to always make decisions while dominating your sub from a place of love and compassion. Your sub is placing their entire self in the palm of your hand. Don’t be reckless. Uplift them. Nurture and guide them. Make decisions that is in their best interest. They will be looking to you, and taking your word “as law” with every fiber of their being. Choose to approach your day to day interaction from a place of love. You don’t need to come off as “hard”, tough, or stern to make your point. Choose to speak tenderly and clearly with them. They, in turn, should be listening to you mindfully so that not only can they get your directions, but also hear the why behind their task.

II. Encourage Instead of Demand: 

My second piece of advice to you is to form the habit of encouraging your sub to follow your directions, versus demanding that they do so. Your sub loves you. They love you! If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t have formed such a deep, intimate bond with you in the first place. Put rules in place that help them maintain healthy habits. Give them daily tasks that will allow them to work towards their personal goals. But then, sit back and encourage them to complete their tasks. Demonstrate that you trust them to follow your lead. Allow them to complete their tasks for you as your “good girl/boy”. It feels deeply rewarding when you’ve completed a task for your dominant, because you mindfully chose to do the right thing. Give them praise for completing their tasks. Shower them with hugs and kisses.

Now, I’d like to pause here for a moment and discuss what to do if you have a brat on your hands. Brats, as I’ve come to learn this past year, aren’t people who aim to upset their dominant. They act out for attention and to get a “rise” from their dominant. There is a healthy line of bratting that can actually enhance a D/s relationship if both parties agree to it being a part of the dynamic. If you are looking to incorporate gentle guidance, but your submissive is also a brat, you can still encourage them to complete their tasks.

They might intentionally not do one just to see your reaction. This is where it is important to meet that behavior from a space of love. Explain to your submissive that you want them to complete the task. Tell them that it’s important to you, and that you’re counting on them to finish up their work. Then, step back and give them a chance to correct the situation. At the end of the day, brats love their dominants just like every other sub does. They want to please their partner, and will certainly follow their lead if their actions are met with kindness and compassion, instead of demanding and punishment.

III. Use Phrases That Resonate Compassion to Your Sub: 

Another way to uplift your sub and help them have a positive self-esteem is to demonstrate compassion through the words that you say. Your actions and speech will linger in their mind, long after you’ve spoken them. Trust me. As such, give your sub phrases of love and kindness to keep their spirits high. Here are a few phrases that my Daddy uses with me. They always put an extra pep in my step:

  • Thank you for all the hard work that you do.
  • I’m so proud of you, Kitten!
  • Do you know how much I love you?
  • I feel blessed to have you in my life.
  • I cherish the time that we spend together.

Make time to remind your submissive just how much they mean to you. Never assume that they know. Tell them! Part of your guidance as a dominant is to spread love to them on a daily basis. Keep a watchful eye of all the hard work that they do. (This is especially important if you live with your submissive). It’s all of those little things that go unsaid, where hearing “thank you” will really make the difference in your submissive’s life. Tell them thank you for doing the chores. No one enjoys cleaning the house. But your submissive wants to keep a tidy home with you, and that deserves a simple “thank you” and a kiss of gratitude. Spread love. It will always lift their heart and make them feel proud of themselves.

IV. Using a Positive Affirmation Exercise with Your Sub to Cultivate Self-Love: 

The last point I want to discuss is forming the habit of giving your sub positive affirmations. Many people struggle with identity issues which can lead to a very poor self esteem. (I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past). Choose to guide your submissive gently in forming a healthy relationship with their body, mind, and spirit. You can just tell them that they’re beautiful. But you want them to feel it. So, have them stand in front of a mirror and tell it to themselves. Stand behind them and slowly go body part by body part together, sharing what you love (and what they love) about each piece.

For example: (stand behind your submissive in a large mirror. Hug them from behind).

Dominant: I love your eyes because they are expressive and crinkle in the corners when you smile. Why do you love your eyes?

Submissive: I love my eyes because they look pretty.

Dominant: I love your hair because it’s always so soft, and it smells good. I also love the way it frames your face. Why do you love your hair?

Submissive: I love my hair because I think it matches my skin tone so perfectly.

Take your time with this gentle guidance exercise. The goal is to help your submissive find love for themselves. It’s so easy to pick apart the things we don’t like about our bodies. But as the dominant, you have the power to help your submissive see just how amazing and beautiful they really are. Repeat this exercise as many times as needed until your submissive really begins to love themselves.

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you all back here in the morning!

Much love,

~Kitten xx


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