Day 3 of The Dominant’s Den: Giving Your Sub “Controlled Options” to Decrease Stress [Gentle Guidance Series]

The Dominant's Den

Good Evening Friends,

I hope you all are having a restful and relaxing weekend. Tonight I’d like to discuss various ways to find the balance between guiding your submissive, and giving them controlled freedom. It often goes unspoken, but in every D/s relationship there is a push and pull that happens as you begin to ease into your dynamic. There is a fine line that the dominant must learn. You need to know when to lead and be firm, versus when to let your submissive spread their wings a little. You must understand your sub’s triggers and what areas of their life that need more guidance than others. Once you find out the areas in which they long for your help, you can target those sectors and really begin helping your little one. Tonight we’re going to explore the push-pull concept on a deeper level in hopes that you obtain some strategies to use in your own relationship. Are you ready to explore this with me? Then, let’s dive in.

I. The Push-Pull Balance of Guiding Your Sub:Ā 

How many times have you heard your sub backtalk you and declare that they want to be in charge? I know that I’ve slipped up and said that to my Daddy before! It’s natural for us all to want certain levels of control over various parts of our life. If you’re not in a total power exchange type dynamic, or a full-time M/s relationship, odds are good that your submissive is going to crave a certain level of control. Sit down and discuss with them what areas of their life need your help and guidance, and what areas they wish to control.

Like a game of “tug of war”, a D/s relationship can feel like a giant game where you’re ever pulling against your submissive, just trying to get them to obey. But really, at the heart of this friction, is miscommunication. Your sub likely wants to follow your direction. They just need the proper communication from you, to allow you to then gently take control over certain areas. How you speak to your sub matters. For some, being clear, firm, and direct is something they can tolerate. For others, a more gentle approach with loving, clear, direct speech is necessary. Find out what type of communication works best for your sub and stick to it.

II. Doing a Monthly or Bi-Annual Check Up on Your Sub’s Current Needs and Tastes:Ā 

Your sub is going to evolve throughout your relationship just as you will. Keep a pulse on their ever-shifting needs and taste preferences. Are they interested in a hobby, but too scared to try? Help them get organized to tackle their dream. Are they interested in losing weight? Create a helpful workout regimen and eating plan that you stick to together every step of the way. You don’t want to be surprised suddenly when your sub tells you that they like something, and you had no idea that they did! I recommend having a sit down (and snuggle up) chat with your sub once a month or at a bare minimum twice a year, to really dive deep together and discuss what goals, tastes, and needs they have. Listen attentively as the emotions bubble up during conversation. You’ll want to tune in and really see what feelings your sub is holding onto. Only then will you be able to formulate a plan to guide and nurture them, to help them become the best person they can be.

III. Helping Your Submissive Stay Focused By Controlling Options:Ā 

For many submissives, having a bunch of options to choose from can feel overwhelming. As you guide your sub, try giving them just a few options, but all are things that you approve of. That way there is a gentle balance of you still being in charge, but your submissive gets to have a tiny bit of freedom in choosing what they want. Think of it as streamlining your submissive’s choices to make their mind less cluttered. If your submissive is resistant to this method, I recommend having a quiet sit down chat together. Find out where their resistance lies. Are they seeking more control in your relationship? Are there areas of their life in which they want total control? Listen and acknowledge their feelings. Reassure them that their feelings are heard, supported, and respected. See if you can find a compromise together. But always talk, talk, talk! Healthy communication will create a lasting foundation for your relationship. šŸ™‚

IV. Daily Gentle Guidance Exercise: Learning Your Sub’s Tastes and Preferences:Ā 

It wasn’t that long ago that I said to my husband, “You know, when I began as a submissive I had no clue that I was a masochist deep down… but I am!”. He chuckled, nodding at me. The truth is, we all change and evolve as we experience things and grow older. What sexual kinks and desires you have now may not be the same thing one year from now. This is why I recommend doing a fun BDSM or Cg/l Kinks and Fetishes Checklist from time to time. You’ll want to know what your sub is daydreaming about in the darkest corners of their mind. So, tonight I have a fun kinks and fetishes checklist for you to enjoy! Jump in and complete it together. Then discuss your answers at length. Support each other with tender, loving care. And most importantly…. have fun!Ā 

That’s it from me, my friends. I hope you all enjoyed this post. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here. And I will see you back here in the morning!

Much love,

~Kitten xx


  1. I personally love that we weave such a beautiful relationship of submission together, Kitten. Thank you for allowing me as your dominant to guide you and help you achieve your goals. I love that we have found our balance of give and take of control. It is very rewarding for me and I think that’s why we work so well. ā¤ ā¤ ā¤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Daddy. We’re not perfect. Though this blog is chock full of great information, it is only the culmination of 7 long years of trial and error, that we are where we are today. ā¤ šŸ™‚ It is our story, and our path, and if it helps others in our community… then that's good enough for me. I love you, always. Forever Us, Mahal XOXOXO


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