Good Morning Friends,
I woke up this morning with my fingertips tingling, and my heart space ready to bare personal thoughts and feelings with you. You see, these feelings blossomed so innocently yesterday, and I had to take time to sit with them, analyze why I was feeling the way I’m feeling, and then open up to my husband about it all. Now that I’ve processed them at length, I’m bringing them here for you all to see. It is my hope that if you’ve gone through something like this in the past, or are currently going through something like this, that you know that you’re not alone. Because you’re not alone. So, let’s start at the beginning.
Yesterday morning my beautiful tween of a daughter asked me if she could use my cell phone to download more app-games. “Sure!” I said, and kept on working. (Psst! If you are curious what I’ve been working on, I’m creating U.S. regional guides for kink and BDSM resources). Moments later I heard: “MOM! Your phone storage is almost full!”. It was a tone of annoyance. It was the tone of an almost-teenager who had no concept of how gigabytes and how a phone has limited storage, especially when more than 1 person is using it (lol). “Let me take a look” I said to her, and began going through my phone. Sure enough my storage was almost full, but not because of her games. It was because my photo and video file was at near capacity. “I’ll just take a few to clean this out” I reassured her and sat down to do so.
And that’s when it happened.
Like a silent tsunami of emotions, I saw his face in the first photograph and my heart squeezed. I pressed delete. On and on again, I kept cleaning out my phone all while taking a mental walk down memory lane. It wasn’t that we had broken up that was the problem. It was that we had said that we would be friends, but then we stopped talking altogether. You see, I’ve long understood that physically (and emotionally) I’m not going to be everyone’s “cup of tea”. Not every play partner or relationship is going to want to play with me, and that’s perfectly fine. But I’m a tender-hearted, highly sensitive person who struggles to understand why someone wouldn’t want to be friends.
With each click of delete on my phone I felt an ache in my heart. No matter if the physical evidence was gone, I would remember his eyes and face so clearly. I would remember it all because we had reached that ultimate level together. I believe that when you love someone… truly love someone… that the love doesn’t really die. It manifests and changes. It morphs into various things. Sometimes love turns to hate, which I don’t recommend, but it can happen because love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Other times love turns into friendship that carries you through the ages.
But what happens when love meets dead air? What happens with you stop talking with no warning? What do you do then?
I’ve written previously about “Why D/s Break Up’s Are So Painful” and “What the Heck is Up with Ghosting?”. However, this situation isn’t like that. We were supposed to be friends. The love was supposed to continue back and forth in a fluid, giving, and tender space. So why didn’t it happen? In the hours and hours of processing that I took, (both alone and with my husband), I’ve come to realize that sometimes… it’s not me. I always look inward for fault and blame, but perhaps the answer lies far beyond myself. While my heart space is ready to love and be friends, perhaps theirs is not?
It is at this point that I’ve realized that the best thing I can do is to send love and kindness out into the universe towards him. That every time I think of him, I will close my eyes and envision him wrapped up in my love and friendship. I will wish him well, and pray that he has good health and a happy heart. And then I will let it go. I will let it go because there is a vast world of people who do enjoy my “cup of tea” so to speak. There are people who do want to be my friends. There are people who do enjoy talking to me, and for that, I am deeply thankful. I will welcome each emotion that bubbles up when I think of him, and instead of wondering: “Why didn’t…?”, “What could have…?”, or “We should have…”, I will move beyond the past to step into a calmer, quieter, and more peaceful relationship with those emotions.
He is a part of my story. The love will always be. Now, I give it to the universe to spread more kindness in this world.
I hope you all enjoyed this post. If you are struggling with any kind of closure in a relationship, I hope these thoughts eased your heart a bit. Have a beautiful Thursday everyone, and I will see you back here tonight for the next installment of “The Dominant’s Den”.