** Hi Friends! Before we kick things off, I wanted to remind you to take a peek at the 2020 Cg/l and BDSM Conference Calendar. I loaded it up with some exciting, upcoming events around the US, Canada, and EU, complete with links! I hope you enjoy it!! xx **
Good Afternoon Friends!
It’s day 12 of “The Dominant’s Den” and this afternoon I’d like to discuss giving your submissive daily tasks with a purpose. How do you do that? How do you guide your submissive in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they’re doing “busy work”? How do you help your submissive grow as a person under your guidance and care? Being a dominant means having great responsibility for you and your submissive and tonight we’re going to talk about the many ways you can help your submissive thrive by giving them meaningful daily tasks. Are you ready to learn? Then, let’s dive in! 😊
I. Create Tasks That Target Weaknesses:
It’s difficult to admit that we have flaws, right? I mean, let’s be honest here. We all have faults. Every single one of us has something or another that we wish we could change. There’s a part of ourselves that we hide from much of the world because we’re ashamed to put it all out there. But if I’m being completely honest, knowing your submissive’s weaknesses is one of the BEST ways to help nurture and guide them. Encourage your partner to squash that feeling of pride and shame to hide their faults and just let their scars and weaknesses bare.
When the Captain and I came back together as a D/s couple I broke down in tears sobbing to him. “Dammit!” I shouted, “why is my relationship with food such a struggle?”. I put it all out there, my friends. I spent several hours talking to him about being overweight and the mental battle of being an emotional eater. Was it easy? Oh gosh no! But it was necessary for him to see just how much I needed his help in this area. And by being 100% transparent on here with all of you about how we work, it’s my hope that you’ll find the fire in your belly to pull your partner aside too and have that deep, meaningful conversation. I needed the Captain’s help to regulate my meals. I needed his guidance to push me to exercise because my weight is one of my largest issues. So, he stepped in and created meaningful tasks to target that.
But let’s not think that this was all roses and sunshine. We didn’t just have a talk and suddenly things were smooth sailing. Oh, far from it and it’s likely that you will have a few stumbling blocks too. This is completely normal. The first time I saw the Captain clean out my cupboard of snacks I stared at him with the most silent, “Oh no he didn’t….” look on my face. I didn’t say anything. (I didn’t want to get spanked lol). But my face said it all! Yet, he stood his ground as my dominant because he knew that I needed his strength when I couldn’t be strong. Your submissive is going to get frustrated and angry when you begin your journey into helping them in their weaknesses. Meet that frustration with firm, but tender compassion. Remind them that your actions are coming from a place of love, not punishment.
And do reach out online to find examples of tasks that other dominants have given their subs in the same area that you’re focusing on. Do you think I’m the first submissive to need weight-loss tasks? Pssh, hardly! 😉 I saw the Captain drawing up his list of tasks while also researching the most healthy and effective methods for guiding a Little with a sweet tooth. You don’t need to know everything there is to know about being a dominant. You are part of a community now. Use those resources!
II. Demonstrate Strength to Uplift Your Sub:
What does it mean to be strong? We often hear in the world of BDSM that dominants must be “strong” for their submissive. But what does that really mean? True strength has nothing to do with the muscles on your body. It has nothing to do with your penis size or “big dick energy”. (I’ll rant about that another day!). Being strong for your submissive comes from within. It begins by being a source of optimism for your little one. It means being their biggest cheerleader and guiding them in a way that will set them up for success. You can’t force them to complete their tasks. But you can encourage, cheer on, and praise your submissive to entice them to do so.
Now I need to pause here for a moment, because some of you out there might be thinking: “No, if my submissive doesn’t do a task they will be punished”. There’s a huge difference between punishing your submissive and disciplining them. Punishment has emotion involved. You’re angry that they didn’t follow your guidance and complete their task. So, you might give them a stern lecture or some spankings over the knee. While I understand why some might think this would work, you don’t want to instill fear in your submissive to complete a task. You don’t want your submissive to be afraid to mess up lest they get punished by you. I encourage you to step back from a situation when you’re feeling upset and take a moment to cool down. Never let your emotions dictate your actions even if you both consent to corporal punishment. You want to be fully in control at all times. This is why I recommend you turning towards discipline with your submissive.
Discipline is correcting your submissive’s behavior by teaching them what they did wrong, and how they can change their ways to get back on track. It takes time and patience. I encourage you to discipline your submissive when they make a mistake. It doesn’t take much strength to swat a bottom, but it does take a ton of inner strength to sit your submissive down and firmly help them understand why they need to correct their behavior immediately. It takes strength to have the patience to hold your own emotions at bay so that you can guide and direct them back to doing their tasks, which ultimately benefits you both. As you’re talking to your submissive and disciplining them, keep it real! Open up to them about your own weaknesses. You don’t need to “fake it ‘till you make it”. No! You need to show that you are strong enough to admit your own faults and what you’re working on, and they need to do the same. Lean on each other. ❤
III. Finding Your Purpose and Goal:
Now you’re expected, as the dominant, of creating daily tasks that help your submissive discover and work towards their purpose. You’re expected to guide them in their journey towards their personal goals, all while working towards your own purpose and goals. Know that it’s okay for things to be difficult. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times as you navigate things in your relationship. Finding your purpose isn’t supposed to be easy or comfortable. In fact, the tasks that you give your submissive should help push them outside of their comfort zone. Only then will they begin to grow and discover more about themselves.
When the Captain asked me what my purpose was in life or what my long-term goal was, I needed time to find that “big picture”. Finally, one day I came to him and said:
I don’t expect to be popular. I don’t expect to make a bunch of money. But I want to use my life, my writing, and the big projects that I do to “normalize” Cg/l and being an adult little in the world. I’m not sure if I can do it single-handedly. But I’m going to try my best!
That’s my purpose. That’s my long-term goal. So, the Captain gives me tasks that helps me to stay on track to working towards the retreat center that I one day will build.
Use your submissive’s personal goal as an end point to then lay out a plan of step-by-step tasks that they need to do to reach their destination. Know that along the way you will have haters. You will have people who doubt you, and people who even discourage you. You will have people who think you’re weird or that you need to do things a different way. You will have people who tell you to guide your sub differently. Tune out the noise! Not a day passes that I don’t tell myself aloud to simply, “stay in my lane”. Stay in your lane. Keep your eye on your dream, work really hard, and it will come to pass.
Know that your journey as a dominant, and learning to guide your submissive isn’t a race. There isn’t an “Alpha Dominant” who is better than another. This is your own journey and your own style of doing things. Learn from those around you and those who have walked before you. Take what wisdom you like, and discard the rest. Make it your own and work with your submissive to be the best dominant you can be.
One last point that I’d like to mention is to all my fellow submissives. You’ve got to give your dominant some encouragement. (Trust me. I’ve messed up here a time or two and have had to learn from my mistakes!). Your dominant wants to grow and evolve just as you do. Be their biggest cheerleader. Thank them for guiding you, as it is no easy task. Thank them for the little things that they do that help keep you in little space, the slave mindset, or whatever mindset of submission that applies to your dynamic. Thank you goes a very long way. 😊
IV. Daily Gentle Guidance Exercise: Bare Your Weaknesses with Your Partner:
I bet you thought your daily exercise would be to make a task, right? 😉 Hehe, nope! Today’s exercise is to sit down with your partner and share what your weaknesses are with each other. Having weaknesses is okay. It’s allowed! Stress with your partner that they are greater than their weaknesses. Whatever your weakness is, it does not define who you are nor does it dictate your future. Let it all bare with each other. Remind each other that you’re valuable. You are loved. You are protected. And you are so, so worth all the time and investment in the world! Being strong is admitting that you have weaknesses.
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here first thing in the morning!