Day 17 of The Dominant’s Den: How to Safely Push Your Sub’s Soft Limits

The Dominant's Den

Good Evening Friends,

Tonight we’re going to discuss soft limits. A soft limit is one where the dom or sub is potentially open to experimenting, but there is a source of fear, anxiety, or trepidation associated with the act. We all have those soft limits and I am no exception…

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My hands were tied behind my back and the Captain stood before me with a blindfold. For some, using a blindfold is as easy as breathing. Some people even sleep with an eye mask on! Not me. No way! Losing my sight makes my palms sweat and my heart race. Yet, here we were in a play session with him pushing my soft limit safely. I had consented to trying. “Dude…” I said and looked up at him. He knows that I only call him “dude” when I’m nervous. “I’ve got you” he said kissing my lips, as he slipped the blindfold on in one movement. And just like that my world went dark.

Soft limits are usually born out of fear. For me, losing my sight meant being in the dark, a place that I detest to be. The dark was the place where I was nearly kidnapped walking to work as a teenager. The dark was the place where I was abused by a former partner. The dark was the place where I sat shivering, wondering how the heck my life had unraveled so far. I hate the dark. But I wanted to push my boundaries. I wanted to be that sexy vixen that we all see, tied up with a blindfold on. I wanted to have my lips painted ruby red as I surrendered every part of my being.

Yeah, it didn’t look like that. 😉

We made it through the play session for a few minutes before I called “yellow” and my sight was returned. Baby steps. Sometimes it’s all about baby steps. Tonight we’re going to dive into how you can gently and safely push your own submissive’s soft limits. Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in.

I. Find the Root Fear of the Soft Limit: 

When you’re first connecting with your sub, I encourage you to really dive into their needs and wants. Paperwork may not be sexy, but knowing your partner inside and out is. This is why I encourage you to print off these FREE printables: Cg/l Relationship Questionnaire, Kinks and Fantasies Checklist, and Intimate Questions for You and Your Partner. Your sub’s limits often stem in fear or an aversion towards an act. Find out why! Especially with those soft limits, where they might want to try something but feel too afraid to take the leap. Explore their mind. Dive into the depths of where their trepidation is and see if you can gently talk through their reservation. The goal is not to convince them to try the soft limit. The goal is to simply find the root fear that created the soft limit. If nothing else, you will know your submissive on a much more intimate and personal level.

II. Talk, Plan, Consent, Then Pursue: 

Sometimes I feel like a broken record on the blog when it comes to discussing the 4 steps to any healthy play session. So… in the spirit of being silly and happy, I’m going to type this up in a fun, creative way. I hope it makes you smile. 🙂

While pushing your sub can feel so grand, 

Stop and talk, and preferably hold hands. 

Consent is key with everyone, 

Get the “green light” if you want to have fun. 

Yes, plan things out especially with limits, 

These rules are in place and definitely not a gimmick. 

Hold their heart and guide them well, 

Then every play session will surely go swell. 

But the work isn’t done when both of you squirt, 

Because aftercare is next (and don’t forget to flirt!). 

Your sub needs love and plenty of snuggles too, 

To find their center (psst! YOU are their glue). 

And last but not least when everything’s cleaned up, 

Discuss how it went and perhaps share a cup? 

Give feedback and thoughts, discuss the good and the bad, 

When round two comes around no doubt you’ll feel glad. 

Yes preparation is key, so give it all you’ve got, 

Then watch your relationship thrive, like a well tended lot. 

The End ❤ 

III. Meet Your Sub’s Fears with Grace: 

As you unearth your submissive’s fears surrounding their soft limits, I encourage you to emotionally support them through grace. What does grace mean? To have grace means:

Grace: a polite and thoughtful way of behaving.

Your job isn’t to push your submissive into exploring their soft limits. Your job is to emotionally guide your submissive through the emotion that bubbles up surrounding the soft limit. If they decide (and consent) to wanting to try one of their soft limits, great. Be prepared to move slowly and with great care as you love and guide them through it. If they simply wanted to open up about their limits, but aren’t ready to push their boundaries, that’s okay too! Meet them with thoughtful, tender, loving behavior. Your sub trusts you. Your sub is opening up their heart and letting everything bare. Trust me when I tell you that this is not easily done. Meet your sub with grace, and they will bask in your love and protection.

IV. Daily Gentle Guidance Exercise: Complete a Kinks and Fetishes Checklist: 

Alright my beautiful friends, tonight I challenge you to complete a kinks and fetishes checklist with your partner. Personally, I love completing these checklists with my partner because you learn so much! (And I encourage you to do it once a year thereafter just to see if you or your partner’s tastes and preferences have changed). You’ll notice on the kinks and fetishes checklist that I created, that each item is a scale. Not simply a yes or no. This is because I feel that kinks and fetishes are fluid with varying degrees of desire and want. You might be attracted towards anal play, but only to a certain extent, while being very drawn towards primal play. And since I’m a Little, you know I had to make it fun and create hearts for you and your partner to color in on the scale! (Hehe!) I hope you all enjoy this fun, loving activity together.

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx

3 comments

  1. Great post, Penny Berry! I think that one of the most important points that you make here is that it is important to work through one’s fears, releasing one’s self from emotional turmoil. Many people, like yourself it sounds, have experienced traumatic events that are carried with them for years. For the sake of their emotional selves (and perhaps, their D/s adventures), finding the path towards healing will hopefully lead to living happier & healthier lives 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So well said, Nora! 🙂 I’ve met so many people (including myself) who has said that D/s led them back to a path of better health and self-care. Through the D/s dynamic I think we all work through our own baggage and push to become the best versions of ourselves. Sending you big hugs, my friend. Have an awesome day! xx

      Liked by 1 person

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