Good Morning Friends,
I had a post all planned out in my head for this morning. In truth, I was going to write about our Friendship Friday Spotlight: Sammich and Lollipops, an ABDL YouTubing couple who hail from the U.K. If you’re interested, please go and check them out. But my heart wasn’t in that post, and I can’t simply write a post to write it. I have to feel it. I write how I speak, and as such if the passion isn’t there then it feels impossible to simply cover a topic for you.
This morning my mind is elsewhere. I feel small, fragile, and sensitive. This morning I want to discuss anxiety. Anxiety is one of those strange beasts that I’ve been walking with for quite some time now. I’m not a mental health professional. I don’t have a degree in psychology, so I can’t tell you what you should and shouldn’t do if you are living with this illness (like I am). I can only bare my soul to you and let you know what works for me, and what hasn’t.
Lately I’ve been pondering if anxiety ever truly “goes away”. The concept of being “cured” is interesting, especially when it comes to mental health. No one with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness wants to live with such a burden. It simply happens. It manifests, and suddenly you have this beast…. this wolf… staring you down face to face. I’ll admit that for years my anxiety was menacing. But then, it became more annoying and frustrating. The intrusive thoughts went from being scary to just being a pain in the rump!
After rallying a team of doctors around me and going on SSRI medication for a year, I began to learn how to cope with my anxiety. But that still leaves the question: does anxiety ever truly go away? Or do we simply re-train the brain to not get worked up as fast? I don’t know the answer. I wish I had answers for you. For now, I simply cope and strive to be productive. I do small things daily to push myself into a place of optimism and positivity. I pray in the shower. (That’s probably weird to admit, but oh well). I’m not really a religious person, but I’d like to think that God can hear my prayers so I envision giving him my anxiety and stress. It’s comforting.
I also daydream to lift the feeling of anxiousness. As someone who dislikes the dark, most of my daydreams dance in the light. I think of sunrise. I think of multi-colored balloons. One of these days I’m going to hold a giant bunch of multi-colored balloons just like the movie, “Up”! ❤ That will be amazing. I turn on Irish music, one of my favorite genres, and let my mind be free.
And while this all helps and most of the time my emotional baseline is happy, carefree, and cheerful, there are days when I’m not. There are days when I grow weary from the battle against my anxiety and I feel too tired to push myself into happiness. My heart feels heavy. That tiny voice inside of me cries out to have hope! Have courage! Persevere! And I will…. I will…. I just need a moment to rest. To rest, and to acknowledge that the fight is hard. Anxiety is a beast and one that I wonder if I’ll face for the rest of my life.
Do scars ever really go away? Or do we simply become experts at living with our demons?
I try my hardest not to be melancholy in this space, so you all have my deepest apologies. I just feel like I always want to be real on here with you. I want to be transparent. I want to show you my good days, and those days (like today) when things aren’t so bubbly. Yes, I’m Penny Berry… this blogger and adult Little, but behind the screen… I’m just me. Just kitten. A woman and person with flesh and blood walking through life trying to find her way. I’m a hippie and a dreamer who is slightly neurotic and lives with anxiety.
If you made it this far in the post, you’re awesome and I love you! Thank you all for your amazing support on here. Today I’m going to take the day for self-care and rest. It’s Friday which means the promise of good times over the weekend… and… AND!… tomorrow is Chinese New Years! So before I forget, let me wish all my fellow friends who are celebrating:
I’ll be back tonight with the next installment of The Dominant’s Den, and until then, stay kind to one another.