Day 23 of The Dominant’s Den: Building Sexual Boundaries and Goals

** Before we jump into today’s post, if you live in California, Oregon, Washington State, Alaska, or Hawaii, the Pacific Regional BDSM and Kink Directory is now up on the blog. Enjoy!! πŸ™‚ ***

Good Morning Friends!

We’re back with day 23 of “The Dominant’s Den”. I hope you all have been enjoying this series. I know that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing these posts to you. This morning let’s talk about sex…. baby. (Hehe, sorry I just had to πŸ˜‰ ). Yes, we’re diving into how to establish sexual boundaries and goals within your D/s relationship, because sex is beautiful, amazing, and so rewarding. But you want to be prepared for everything that sex entails too. Now then, are you ready to explore this topic with me? Then, let’s dive in!

I. Know Your Partner’s Limits (and Fantasies Too!):Β 

On here I have spoken many times about hard limits, soft limits, and understanding where your partner’s boundaries are before you begin to play together. (I’ve even createdΒ  FREE printables to learn what kinks, fetishes, and fantasies your partner has, so go check them out!). Today we’re going to focus on how you can learn what your partner’s fantasies are. We’ll also be discussing how you can better understand your partner’s personal limitations. Taboo fantasies are a curious thing. For one person something may be “taboo”, but for another it can seem thrilling and exciting, or even just “normal”! Broaching those fantasies with your partner can be downright nerve-racking. I know that the very first time the Captain and I sat down to talk about fantasies I was a bumbling mess! I stammered and stumbled my way through discussing those deep, dark fantasies that I had played like a XXX movie in my head. I would pause here and there and interject questions such as: “You’re not weirded out, are you?” or “Do you think I’m messed up?”.

Getting your submissive to open up about their limits and fantasies is important though. As the dominant, you need to know what their limits are before you play. You need to know if there is trauma of any kind that could bubble up during a play session. You’ll want to know what activities are completely off limits and what soft limits they want pushed. You’ll also want to have that juicy, deep intimate conversation about fantasies to learn what things pique their interest. But it can be difficult opening up, right? So, here are my top tips to soothe your submissive when having this type of conversation:

  1. Give LOTS of reassurance! No matter what pops out of your submissive’s mouth, never place judgement. Instead, give reassurance that they aren’t weird. You’re appreciative that they opened up to you, and you’re thankful for knowing what they’re attracted to.
  2. Give tons of eye contact. Your submissive will need 100% of your attention when having this type of conversation. So make sure all of your gadgets are silenced and that you’re in a setting where you both feel comfortable and are able to speak freely.
  3. Make mental notes of their preferences. Or better yet, write it down! You’ll notice in the Cg/l relationship contract (on the free printables page), there is a section to write in your partner’s limits. Write them all down. πŸ™‚ You don’t want to forget any details. Then, use their preferences to make a set of sexual goals to conquer! Look forward to diving into new activities, sex positions, and kinks together. πŸ™‚

II. Don’t Mismanage Your Passions:Β 

This next section is difficult for me to write about because I’ve stumbled over this mistake several times in my life. As many of you know, Daddy C and I had a relationship last year. Much of it played out on here, including the first time that we met and spent a week together. It was a beautiful week where we connected both emotionally and physically. Before him, I have had other partners in my past that I’ve been intimate with that I wasn’t married to, or living with on a day to day basis. I’m not going to sit here on my soap box and preach that pre-marital sex is wrong. I’m also not going to tell you that I regret the partners that I’ve had, because I don’t.

But I will share this message with you. ❀

Before you choose to have sex with someone, please know what you’re getting yourself into. There’s a reason why break up’s, especially after being intimate, hurt so much. I once heard a professor explain intimacy as “into me see”. In other words, you’re allowing your partner to see the innermost parts of your being. You’re giving of yourself: body, mind, and soul. Whether you realize it or not, you are connecting with that person on all levels, and that isn’t something to ever take lightly. Passion, love, and desire are beautiful emotions to have. It’s what makes us human and sets us apart from animals of the world. We crave sex for recreation and not solely for procreation. Heck, sex is really, really fun! I get that. But, I would encourage you to be 1000% sure that your relationship is going to last before you sleep with your partner. Get the commitment before you “seal the deal”. You don’t want to end up with a bruised heart, trust me.

III. Why Sex is Beautiful and Big Dick Energy is a Sham:Β 

Now I may sound like a prude with sitting here telling you to close your legs until you’re really, really sure, but please don’t mistake me. Sex is beautiful! It’s fun. It feels delicious and thrilling to be pounded into oblivion until you feel sore when you sit down. (Been there, done that. It’s great. πŸ˜‰ ). Sex is awesome and I believe that when you feel ready to share all of yourself with a partner, that is something to deeply cherish and celebrate.

But can we all pause here and talk about this whole social media b.s. about “big dick energy”?

I’ve been waiting to sink my teeth into this subject with you and tear it limb from limb. In fact, I already sent out a tweet about my opinion on this subject. Now you all get to hear my full rant. So thank you for your patience (lol). For those new to the phrase “big dick energy”, basically it refers to any male-bodied person who exudes a certain level of confidence and swagger that they appear to have a massive penis and know what to do with it.


Okay, first off it doesn’t matter how big, thick, thin, long, or short your penis is. There, I said it! Do you have a penis? Yes? Good. Do you know where to stick it in? Yes? Awesome! Can you give lots of foreplay and love on your partner? Yes? Perfect! Then, you’re set to have a grand ol’ time between the sheets. This idea of “big dick energy” is absolutely absurd and truthfully is really damaging to men. Men have long been self-conscious about their size. They see other men waving their flagpoles around social media and think that they are lesser than simply because of their girth or length. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The key to amazing sex isn’t how much you can slam your partners cervix or rectum. The secret to mind-blowing sex (beyond the orgasm) is a truck ton of foreplay. It’s all of the kissing, touching, groping, fingering, biting, etc. that comes before you even penetrate.

And don’t even get me started on how annoying “swagger” is. Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is repulsive. If you truly know how to please a person in bed you don’t need to flaunt it. True confidence is quiet and strong. It is sure and firm. So all of those men waving their dicks around or posting gifs for the world to see their junk are likely quite insecure and need loads of reassurance.

*End rant*

IV. Daily Gentle Guidance Exercise: Heart to Heart Tantric Breathing Exercise:Β 

Alright, today’s daily gentle guidance exercise is one that draws upon tantric intimacy to connect with your partner on a deeper level. Tantric intimacy is a Hindu practice that has been going strong for over 5,000 years and involves connecting with your partner’s mind-body energy to create a deeper bond (and a really strong orgasm too!). It involves exercises that are slow, sensual, and powerful. In today’s exercise you will learn how to sync up your breathing with your partner.

Note: This exercise is also perfect for D/s couples who are non-sexual as well. You can easily complete this exercise fully clothed. πŸ˜‰

Begin by sitting facing each other cross legged or in a comfortable position that allows you to just touch knee to knee. Take several calming breaths. Rest your facial muscles. Gaze into your partner’s eyes and grow comfortable with holding eye contact. Take your time. Put on soft music if it helps set the ambiance for sitting for a prolonged period of time. When you’re ready, gently place your palm over your partner’s heart as they place their hand over yours. Feel your partner’s heartbeat beneath their chest. This is the center of their life force. It’s a central area for their energy. You’re feeling their body alive right beneath your palm. Feel the rise and fall of their chest with each breath. Begin to sync up with their breathing. Match your body with theirs as you hold eye contact. Imagine that you are one being. One body. One living entity, breathing, and existing in this moment connected by body, mind, and breath. It’s just you two in this world. Remain in this position for several minutes.

When you’re ready, slowly release your hands and come back to resting your hands in your lap. Take a few minutes to reflect with your partner how you felt and how connected the exercise made you feel. ❀

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx


  1. Sex goals. First time I’ve heard of it! Thanks for introducing me to it. πŸ™‚ I’m pretty sure that a sub would find that spicy, meeting the sexual goals that they plan with their partner/their partner plans for them. ❀

    Also, the sex thing – I tend to be more attached after an emotional connection than sexual connection. Maybe that’s just me. Sex is just a fun activity for my person. It’s hard to give myself over emotionally during it. I end up having to try really hard to have a connection with my partner during it. So…for me the opposite is true. I’m careful wjo I open myself up to on an emotional level. Once they’re there, they can’t get out. But human penises aren’t barbed, so…those slip out easily. Only things left are memories. And I remember them as fun and pleasurable, and that’s it ^^

    Think the connection thing is different for everybody, or do you think there are only just special cases that don’t follow through with a connection during sex? This sounds like an amazing forum question.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL the barbed penis comment nearly made me spit out my tea, that was too funny and amazing! *High fives*! πŸ˜‰ I absolutely agree with you, Kuudere, that every person approaches sex and connections differently. I like to think of it as frequencies. We are all existing on the same planet with various frequencies. But that is what makes us unique, AND we can learn from one another. I wish I was like you! I wish that I could approach sex from a more sex connection and be able to put up a barrier to separate my emotions a bit. πŸ™‚ I think it’s beautiful that you guard and protect your emotions. That’s very healthy. I’d love to know what other Littles think too. Big hugs to you, my friend! xx


      1. Aww. Almost cried. Thanks. Wow. ^^ I never thought of my ability as an ability! I usually think it makes me paranoid. I have to go into interrogation mode with nyself to figure out if the person I’m seeing os worthy of more! It can be odd. But you…obviously…are seeing the bright side I never could! Yay. πŸ™‚

        Ahh. Everyone’s different, huh? I’m intrigued as to how many different approaches to sex there are, too! Yeah, a disconnect definitely is beneficial in its unique way. Thanks for helping me think about that!

        Sure. I shall donate to you all ma jokes, free of charge. xD

        Liked by 1 person

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