Day 25 of The Dominant’s Den: Nourishing You and Your Little as Individuals

The Dominant's Den

Good Morning Friends!

I have a confession to make: sometimes… I can be a bit clingy. I know, us Littles are supposed to cling to our dominants, right? Images of whiny, pining Littles flood social media, and quite frankly the Captain would tell you that I can get that way a time or ten. But today we’re going to discuss the importance of also remembering that you’re an individual even though you’re in a relationship. This is a lesson that I’ve had to learn after being clingy and co-dependent for years. These days, things are a bit different and I figured I’d save you banging your head against the proverbial wall, and share a few bits of wisdom that I picked up along the way. Are you ready to explore this topic with me? Then, let’s dive in!

I. Alone Does Not Mean Lonely: 

Let’s rewind the clock to several years ago. While my husband and I met online in Guild Wars 2, we have always been different kind of gamers. I prefer MMORPG’s and my husband prefers Steam games. I have nothing against steam games, but he enjoys strategy and first person shooter games, whereas I prefer visual novels and games like “Hello Kitty Island Adventure”. Needless to say, we are very different. So, for years when he would be quietly relaxing on his game, I would eyeball him frowning. Deep inside I wanted more time with him. I craved more time with him! I thought that I couldn’t stand being apart from him every single second of every single day until…. I realized that I was simply bored. I love the Captain dearly, but somewhere along the way I took time for reflection and discovered that I didn’t want to be so wrapped up in my partner. I wanted (and needed) to make space for me too. Where he wanted to play video games, I wanted to silently watch movies uninterrupted. (And for all my fellow parents out there, you know how difficult it can be to watch a movie in silence! lol).

I had this irrational fear that doing something alone would make me feel lonely. But the two are actually quite different. You can have a healthy, thriving relationship and still make plenty of space to have alone time. Loneliness is a temporary emotion that can be filled by contact with a person you enjoy. Being alone is simply a state of being. I encourage you to weave in rules for you and your Little, to make space for individual time. If your little is clingy, find out why. Are they bored? Is something else bothering them deep down? Talk about it! In doing so, you will give them reassurance that it’s okay to do things on their own without the fear of it impacting your relationship.

II. I Wanna Talk About Me: 

Do y’all know that song “I wanna talk about me” by: Toby Keith? It has a catchy tune, but the message really resonated with me when I was thinking about this topic. As dominants, you are expected to hush and tune into your Little constantly. And don’t get me wrong, this is important. But just as Toby Keith sings:

You know talking about you makes me smile
But every once in awhile

I want to talk about me
Want to talk about I
Want to talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I want to talk about me
I want to talk about me

-Toby Keith (“I Wanna Talk About Me”)

 

It’s okay for you to want to talk about your interests and the things that you enjoy. It’s important to share your interests and passions with your Little. It’s necessary for you to remember that you are an individual outside of being a Caregiver. One activity that I did with the Captain to learn more about who he is, was to ask him to compile a list of things he wants to do over the next 5 years. After he compiled the list I was shocked at some of the interests he had that I never even knew about! Take time to learn more about your partner as an individual, and make sure to make space for yourself too. Soak up time as much as you possibly can because it is the most precious currency we have. Which brings me to my next point….

III. “Me Time” Makes a Better Partner: 

You’re going to need time to relax and unwind on your own so that you can come together to be a better partner. A while ago I wrote a 5 part series, “How to Build a Relationship That Lasts”. Part 1 of this series discussed “Being Strong as a Person Before the Partnership”. When you make space and time for yourself, you can work on parts of you that need nourishing. Your dominant can guide you to becoming the best person you can be, but only you (as the submissive) can make the changes. On the flip side, you can be the most amazing caregiver on the planet, but until you deal with your baggage and issues, (and honey, we all have issues!) you won’t ever feel truly at peace. Take time to work on yourself. Make time for the hobbies that you enjoy.

These days when the Captain hops on his computer, I usually sneak away to work on my writing. Truthfully, it’s nice. I fall into my creative flow and work undisturbed. At night if I see him off doing his own thing I will snuggle up under blankets and quietly watch a movie. Usually he ends up joining me and I appreciate our snuggle moments. But I’ve learned that by making space for “me time” individually, we’re much happier off when we come together for couple time.

IV. Daily Gentle Guidance Exercise: Take Some Personal Time! 

We’re at that point in the post where I challenge you to do a daily gentle guidance activity. Today, I challenge you to make space for some personal time. Let your partner know what you’re doing ahead of time, especially if you have a Little who craves a lot of attention. Encourage them to do the same. (It’s much easier to take time individually at the same time, versus doing it at separate times of the day). Then, do something that you enjoy! Do an activity that you’ve been pushing off for some time. Dust off that old creative project, or instrument, and pluck a few strings. Shake off any doubts or reservations and just go for it! I’m cheering you on! 🙂

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here this evening for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx

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