Good Evening Everyone!
I’m snuggled up here in bed and my heart feels full. Today was a truly, wonderful day. This afternoon I curled up and reflected on my journey with sex. You see, I’ve never felt that I fit in like many other people out there in the community. A few weeks ago I was on Twitter when I saw a fellow blogger do a poll asking people to rate them if the number of people they had slept with was: A. too much B. too few C. just right or D. you’re a whore! Truthfully, I didn’t click on the poll. I blushed at their number of partners well exceeding 40 people. I was in awe that they had put it out there so confidently. And it made me reflect on my own journey with sex.
For as long as I can remember, when it comes to sex I’ve always been a “good girl”. The naive girl who researches and learns all about sex, but when it comes to actually doing stuff, well… that’s a bit of a different story. 😉
Back when I was in high school I remember my dad telling me one night the horrors of drinking, drugs, and sex. Somehow it was all grouped together. But he phrased it all as a “quick way to your grave”. I sat there naive, and innocent to the world but yearning for more information. My childhood homes had never been a place where I could ask questions about sex and sexuality. Yet, I craved to know why we were supposed to wait until marriage. What did a condom really feel like? And most importantly, does losing your virginity hurt? These were things I had to stumble and figure out along the way all on my own.
As I began to tiptoe into the pool of flirting and making out, I remember one night I ended up meeting a drug dealer. It was fascinating because I would have never guessed that the guy who was the same age as me back then, (we were both 19 at the time), was a drug dealer. He just looked like a normal guy! But as we sat around in the basement of my roommates friend, all talking, flirting, and some… smoking pot, I asked him what he did for a living. “I sell pot” he shrugged with a smirk. “O-oh!” I stammered and blushed. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I hardly had much in common with this person. But there we sat listening to the sounds of my roommate and his friend having wild sex in the room next door with their door wide open. I blushed as I sat against the wall, not daring to look inside.
Rolling into my 20’s I had finally settled down with my first real boyfriend-turned-husband and I had quickly learned what sex was supposed to be like. I remember thinking, “Is it all just laying on your back all the time?”. We were quite the vanilla couple and the relationship soured several years later. Yet, throughout my 20’s I always found it strange that I had these yearnings to be kinky, and yet I was still the “good girl”. Sure, I flirted and relished oral sex. Yes, I had wild, roleplay romps online that turned into listening to people masturbate to our erotic writings via headset. But…. actual intercourse was still very much virginal territory.
Deep down I felt guilt for being so protective over my vagina. I was terrified of contracting an STD so I didn’t sleep around. Even after my tubes were tied, I still worried about people being clean that I didn’t dive into naughty romps in hotel rooms. But I was surrounded by people who had. “I’ve slept with 10 people” one female friend said to me. “I’ve been with about 15” another said. Then it was my turn. “Um… 5?” I said weakly. Five. Five whole people. For years this guilt followed me around in my 20’s. This was supposed to be the peak of my sexual prowess, and there I was acting and feeling like a nun! I wanted to be chained up, flogged, and fucked until I was sore! I wanted to be those slutty pornstars who everyone fantasizes about.
But I wasn’t. Not really. 🙂 And then I hit my 30’s.
Something magical happens when you enter your 30’s. At least it did for me. You begin to worry less about what other people think of you, and instead you focus more on yourself. Slowly, five didn’t seem like such a bad thing after all. Five felt like a piece of my journey. Five may be a low number, but each partner is a person that I intentionally chose to be intimate with. A person that I wouldn’t ever want to erase from my past. Five is an easy number that I can count to, and out of those 5, four of them I’ve had serious, committed relationships with. (The fifth was just a friend. 😉 )
Within those five chapters and relationships I found myself within the world of BDSM. I had that night of delicious fucking. I did wake up in the middle of the night, reach over to stroke his arm and whisper, “I want you”, only for him to suddenly take me with unbridled passion. I was a giggly, happy mess. Five might be a low number, but it’s my number, and it also marks another step in my journey of self-acceptance.
I don’t ever think I’ll be one of those people who has slept around with many people. Mostly because I view sex as an emotional and spiritual act. I choose my partners carefully, and then enjoy the connections formed. But I’ve learned that, it’s okay to be a “good girl”. It’s okay to be selective about who you sleep with, and if you’re out there wondering if you’re odd or strange because you have only had a few partners too… then, let me reassure you that you’re just perfectly fine. Whatever your number is, wear it with pride. You are who you are, and I am who I am. Be yourself because that is enough.
Have a beautiful night everyone!