Minors and BDSM, Part 2: Learning to Develop the Fundamental Pillars of Submission

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Good Afternoon Friends,

It has been so fascinating reading all of your comments and thoughts on the previous post. Thank you to everyone for reaching out and sharing your experiences and feelings on the subject. I always believe that we can learn from each other, and today we’re going to continue that momentum to discuss what minors can do to prepare for this lifestyle without actually getting involved in the community. 

For as long as I can remember I assumed that when I became an adult I would take care of the home and raise my children. It was something I saw the women in my family do, and it felt right in my core. Having a mother who is still the greatest hostess on the planet, I have been trained from an early age on how to host a dinner party. In Christianity there is a phrase called “having a servant’s heart”. Today I want to loosely take this concept and apply the methodology to the path of submission, and how I believe it can help minors.

I. The Pillars of Submission: 

When I sat down and began sketching out what I felt a submissive’s heart should be, I found a few common traits that I believe every sub should have regardless of their dynamic style. These include:

  • Generosity
  • Respect
  • Loyalty
  • Understanding
  • Compassion
  • Trust
  • Humility

I was going to come up with a catchy acronym to share with you all, but truthfully I’ve never been good at those (lol). However, I’d like to dive into each of these points, because we can all begin working on ourselves to nurture these traits (even as minors).

Generosity: What do you think about when you envision someone being generous? Do you picture a person giving away their things? How about a person who is generous of their time and attention? I believe that generosity is a foundational pillar of submission because there are so many roles that we play within the D/s dynamic. At times we are our dominant’s biggest cheerleader. Other times we are their nurse if they catch a cold. Still other times we are their happy, Little girl/boy who is giving them pleasure and giggles. But always we are generous with our body, mind, soul, and attention. We give with the expectation of being cared for. We give because it feels good to do so. We give because it feels natural to care for those we love. If you’re a minor, try giving of your time to those who need you most. Volunteer at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Join in a community clean up project. Give of yourself for the betterment of someone else. This can be the start of you shaping your heart for the path of submission.

Respect: Every D/s relationship has their own picture of what respect should look like. The Captain and I never call each other names even in jest. I also rarely brat him, as I see it as a form of disrespect. Playful banter? Sure. But downright disobedience? Absolutely not. Why? Because I believe that respect is actually a demonstration of love. We show our respect through kind actions, gentle words, small acts of kindness and care, because we respect the person and their position in our life. As a minor, you can begin working on your heart by respecting your friends and family. Use each and every day to touch those around you with love and kindness. If someone upsets you, meet their emotions with compassion and understanding. Demonstrate that while you may not agree with them, you respect their opinion and can be civil in your disagreement. Over time, this will become second nature.

Loyalty: A huge reason why veterans of the D/s community believe that young dominants and submissives shouldn’t be in the lifestyle is because they don’t have a full grasp on the loyalty that it takes to make a D/s relationship last. As a young person, it’s normal for you to want to explore people and date. It’s normal to want to go out there and talk to strangers. It’s normal to bounce from person to person trying to find “your person”. But because the intensity of a D/s relationship is so much more deep versus a traditional “vanilla” relationship, bouncing from sub to sub, or dom to dom, can leave a large, emotional, traumatic wake in your path. In other words, don’t do it! Real, thriving D/s relationships are quiet, sure, and strong. They don’t need to update their social media status to the world, because the partners already know that the love and loyalty is there. As a minor, you can begin cultivating loyalty in your own relationships with friends and family by being there for them. Show your friends how much they mean to you. Really be there for them. Be that dependable family member or friend that they can count on. This is a good place to start (and remain) before you join the lifestyle as a legal adult.

Understanding: I believe that being understanding as a submissive comes with emotional maturity and life experience. When I was younger, even in my early 20’s, I just didn’t have those skills yet. Now that I’m in my 30’s, and I’ve gone through some life-changing experiences, I’ve changed quite a bit and learned to be understanding towards others. As a minor, you’re not going to have the depth that you need to be understanding towards your dominant. I’m just going to tell it to you like it is. You’re going to be clingy. You’re going to be whiny. And understandably so because you’re a child! You’re not supposed to be in the Dd/lg or Cg/l lifestyle! You’re not supposed to be a submissive. You’re just a child. Even as a teenager you are still a child. You need support, love, and guidance from trusted friends and family members, NOT a dominant. However, if you want to begin to learn to be understanding towards others while still being a minor, focus on being kind. Listen when people are speaking to you. Really tune into what they’re saying. This is an excellent skill to develop as you grow up.

Compassion: Being in a D/s relationship, or any relationship, means putting compassion into all that you do. The source of your actions should be love. Is what you’re doing with and to your partner done from a place of love? If so, do it. If not, don’t. As submissives we also need to be compassionate towards our dominants in understanding that they are only human beings. They mess up. They make mistakes and have to learn from their own actions. It is in those moments where we, as submissives, must demonstrate our maturity and compassion to give forgiveness and move on gracefully. There really is no room for grudges or resentment in D/s relationships. As a minor, while you aren’t there yet emotionally, you can begin cultivating compassion towards others by being loving. Do loving, kind actions towards your friends and family without expectation of something in return. Focus on being understanding to people who have wronged you. Extend forgiveness where it’s needed, and then let go of the pain.

Trust: Entering into a D/s relationship means getting to know your partner on an extremely intimate level. You are entrusted with their secrets and life stories. You will experience play sessions that are sacred and private. You will engage in power exchange that is designed for mature adults only to be able to handle. As a minor, you want to cultivate being a trustworthy person, not just for this lifestyle, but to have as a well-rounded person. Demonstrate to your friends and family that you can be entrusted with private information. Turn your back to gossip. Don’t speak ill of people without them being present (or even if they are!). Show that you can be dependable and accountable to your bosses and teachers. This is a life skill that you want to learn to the absolute fullest that will carry you throughout your life.

Humility: The last character trait that I believe is important for submissives to have is humility. Give thanks when your dominant is kind towards you. Give thanks for your caregiver being a part of your life. When you do a task well don’t look for praise. Instead, feel gladness in your actions of serving your dominant as reward enough. If your dominant thanks you for a job well done, accept their praise with humility. Learning to be humble is important because no one likes a person who is arrogant, cocky, and a braggart. Embrace being quiet and at peace. As a minor this can be a tricky skill to develop. Your teenage world is fast-moving and filled with technology encouraging you to change yourself all the time. My advice to you is to tune everything out. Turn off your phone for a while and just be thankful for the people you have in your life. Give thanks for your family, friends, and pets. Give thanks for the meals you get to eat, and the hot shower you take each day. Give thanks for having clean clothing and for having a roof over your head. By learning to make time to be humble and gracious, you will be nurturing a servant’s heart before you enter our lifestyle.

II. Final Thoughts: 

I want to wrap this up, as this post is getting long. There are so many reasons that minors do not need to be in the Cg/l lifestyle or to even be on BDSM forums, but we all know that it happens. As someone who believes in the motto: educate instead of alienate, I ask you to reach out to minors that you see and point them to safe resources that they can turn to instead of getting into the lifestyle. Try talking to them, and guiding them towards cultivating healthy, character habits to form without becoming a submissive. Remind them that they will have plenty of years to be an adult, but the time to be a child is so precious and few. And lastly, keep a keen eye out for sexual predators that pose as dominants on these online platforms. Unfortunately there are many and they are out there. Send a message to the forum moderator if you ever suspect that a minor or a sexual predator is on the forum. Don’t be scared to report what you see. We have to work together to ensure that our community stays safe!

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx

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