How to Submit 101, Part 3: Submit Your Fears and Worries

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Good Morning Friends!

I hope you all are having a beautiful and restful week. I’m back with another post in the “How to Submit 101” series, and this time of self-isolation is the perfect time to dive into how to submit your fears and worries to your dominant. Right now the world is in a state of rest and forced seclusion. Fear and anxiety ripples in the air for many. Yet, it’s also the perfect opportunity to use our D/s lifestyle as a grounding tool for re-centering our minds and hearts. Today we’re going to discuss how to go about doing just that. Are you ready? 🙂 Then, let’s dive in!

I. Trust Your Intuition in Choosing a Great Partner: 

When we think about surrendering our deepest fears and worries to our dominant, that can feel daunting and difficult to do. How does one completely place trust and faith in another human being like that? The answer lies within the core of your gut: trust your intuition. As a submissive, you already have that tiny voice inside of you who is able to discern what you need in a dominant. You have looked for the “red flags” to avoid when choosing your dominant. You have asked the important questions when picking out your partner. You have moved slowly, and with great care before engaging in a play session, taking the time to follow all four important steps. You know that your dominant is the right fit for you. Now we’re going to take things a step further as you begin to let them in to those innermost thoughts and feelings.

Begin by giving yourself the mantra that you have done the hard work in finding a solid, healthy dominant. Your intuition won’t lead you astray. That little voice in the core of your being has whispered in your mind, helping you make choices to the point where you are today. Each and every time questions bubble up in your mind about your D/s relationship: stop. Listen to your intuition. Follow that voice and make the best, next step.

II. Let Go of the “What If”: 

It’s so easy to assume that as we open up our innermost fears and worries, that it will be “too much” for our dominant to handle. We might hold onto guilt or shame in sharing those pieces of ourselves. As human beings, we are the only species in the world who worries about the future. Think about that for a moment. An animal of any kind isn’t worried about what is going to happen 1 year from now. They live in the present. They are in survival mode. But as human beings with vast knowledge, and the capability to paint elaborate pictures in our minds, we can spin all kinds of “what if” scenarios in our head. Stop. Take a deep breath, and refocus.

Your dominant wants to know your fears and worries. They need to understand the things that make you tense up and feel anxious. In order to guide you, they have to understand where those fears stem from. Is there baggage in your past that still impacts your present? Are there irrational thoughts bombarding your mind? Do you have issues and concerns about D/s and BDSM that you haven’t discussed with your partner? Wherever your fears and worries originate, turn to your dominant and begin to open up. The Captain and I are huge advocates of using compassionate communication, (which was created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, you can read more about that here), to navigate through processing strong emotions. Instead of stressing about the “what if”, which is really another fear based narrative that we are weaving in our mind, I urge you to make space to open up to your partner. Have your dominant sit silently and compassionately in support of the whole-you as you begin to verbally discuss those difficult, and often intense fears and worries.

III. Tame Your Imagination to Live Presently: 

Now I’d like to touch upon something that I recently learned from a fabulous TED Talk, that I think can apply well in the D/s dynamic. There is a major difference between compassion and empathy. As the dominant, when you are supporting your submissive in helping them open up about their fears, be a source of compassion…. not empathy. Give them emotional understanding and physical reassurance. Create a space in which they are able to be completely honest and comfortable with you. Ask questions at the appropriate moments which indicates that you are actively listening to their deepest feelings. (You can even repeat what they are saying back to them, which is another way for you to demonstrate that you have completely heard what they are saying). Be compassionate, but try not to empathize. Empathy is important, but it means that you are taking on those fears and worries with your submissive as well. Empathy in this context means that when your submissive shares their fear and pain, that you then take on that fear and pain too. This isn’t helpful in the D/s dynamic. Instead of taking on that pain, you want to compassionately guide your submissive through the fear to help them eventually move past it.

IV. Allow Your Dominant to Guide You Past the Fear: 

As a person who has an anxiety disorder, trust me when I say that I absolutely understand that those fears and worries can feel indomitable. However, in those moments where your breath begins to shallow, the anxiousness surfaces, your palms get clammy, and those “demons” from your fears spring up… turn to your dominant. The power of a D/s relationship lies in your dominant being in control. You don’t have to face your fears on your own. Your worries are not yours alone to bare. Your partner is there for you to place your body, mind, and soul into. Lay it all out there. Tell them where you feel fearful. Nothing is too irrational or silly. Let them be a pillar of strength and understanding as you make yourself vulnerable. Leaning on your dominant does not make you weak. It doesn’t mean that you lack emotional strength. It means that you have the emotional maturity to turn to your partner with all that you are, and place faith and trust in the bond you have. Turn towards it. This is your time to open up and shine. ❤

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Kitten xx

 

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