Good Morning Friends,
Normally on a Monday morning I’m bouncing in here with some Monday Mini Motivation. But to be honest, today I don’t have that. Today I am quiet and still. Just the other day I picked up the phone and was greeted by a family member with words that made my heart break:
“There’s no way to say it, so I’m just going to say it, your grandma is dying”.
Instantly my brain began to dissect the news. It was my mind’s way of coping and processing everything. She’s lived a long, and beautiful life, I told myself. (She’s 95). She is going to join Papa in heaven now. She had a stroke recently so her body is beginning to shut down. And yet, my brain just couldn’t process the news in an “adult way”. You see, when I think of my grammie, I remember the woman who took care of me single-handedly for an entire year after my parents divorced. I remember a woman who was eccentric in her own right. I remember a woman who decorated her entire kitchen in cows decor. Cows! She didn’t even live on a farm! But it made her happy, and thus… made all of us happy. I remember a woman with soft, red hair, pink Irish skin, who was soft spoken and would invite me to watch the “soaps” (soap operas) with her every day at 4. She was soft spoken and kind. She was a devout Catholic and an incredible woman. That’s my grammie.
In this process of grieving I’ve realized that while death is a topic that is usually meant for adults only… I can’t “adult” this. I’m an adult little. My mind keeps going back to being 11 when I was with her, and I feel and remember everything. And so it is in this head space that I remain as the final days of her life unwind this week.
In this post today I’d like to discuss how I’m coping with death and loss as a Little. I don’t have all of the answers. I’m not a mental health professional. I’m just a girl, losing her grandma, and learning to grieve in the healthiest way possible. Now, let’s jump in. ❤
I. Death Yanks Us Out, But Grief Yanks Us In:
Have you ever noticed that when someone dies, the first thing adults do is mentally protect the children? In many ways I understand. Children are still growing and processing. They need information given on their level in a way they understand. When a classmate of mine died in elementary school my parents read to me a book about a leaf on a tree. It explained death as a gentle circle of life. Death is a topic that we neglect to talk about. We turn our head the other way, or do superstitious things to ward off “the evil eye”. Death is so final. So concrete that it’s no wonder that it yanks us out of Little Space in a heartbeat. How can we be little when something or someone we love…. dies? How can we enter a mindset filled with love, joy, and wonder when everything inside of us is crying out in pain?
But is Little Space supposed to be exclusively “happiness and rainbows”? Is there room for sorrow and grief?
In this time of grieving my grandma I have found a new layer to my Little Space, and that is making room to be sad. Grieving her life and the loss of her here has made me feel small and quiet. The grief has actually pulled me back into little space. This time of silence and sorrow has allowed my Daddy to step up to gently care for my heart and mind as I move through the emotions. Sometimes we talk about her, other times we simply sit quietly together. But all the time we remain in our state of Dominant and submissive, leaning on our power exchange as a support through this tough time.
II. Sadness Comes in Pairs:
One of my main ways of coping and lifting my spirits during hard times is to dive into music. Music allows me to express emotions when I can’t verbalize my thoughts. The music pumps into my ears and I can just let go. The artist sings lyrics that resonates with the feelings in my heart. Lately I have been listening to Bollywood music. I actually love Indian culture. 🙂 I think it’s beautiful, colorful, vibrant, and their society leans more towards traditional gender roles (which also resonates with me very much). Pumping my ears with the lively tunes, I stumbled across one song that I kept playing over and over again: “Main Tera Boyfriend”.
This song is basically about a guy who wants to be boyfriend-girlfriend with his crush. She resists him for a bit before falling for him too. It’s a cute love song. Now, I admit that when I saw Sushant Singh Rajput for the first time my mouth popped open. “Wow!” I said to my husband, “he is VERY good looking!”. I watched the video over and over, wiggling my hips to the music. And then, several days later, yesterday to be precise, I opened the news and saw that he had died by suicide at the age of 34. I’m 35 years old, my friends. He was my age! I sat there for a moment stunned. He was a stunning, well off, kind man who was on his way to a great acting career. But depression knows no boundaries. It doesn’t care how much money you make, or how many friends you have. On here I’ve written about my own battle against suicide, but when I read about Sushant dying… I felt another wave of grief. I knew inside that I needed to find a way to cope with all this news of death and dying.
III. Celebrating Their Life as a Little:
My grandma/ “grammie” was a woman who encouraged me to live my life in a way that seeks wonder and imagination. She pushed me to get outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun. She taught me the value of family, and how to embody the heart of the home. As a Little, I am honoring her by allowing myself to create things this week. I am seeking creativity and going where my spirit moves me. I am diving into comfort food, and remembering how my grandma always had donuts on hand at any given time. (We had this small, Italian bakery within walking distance of her home and she would stock up twice a week. They were sublime). I am remembering my roots, and celebrating who I am as a person. My grandma often said that I look like her daughter (who died when she was 40 and subsequently I would name my own daughter after many, many years later). So, here I am, looking at my pinkish-white skin… and I see her. I smile at the red in my hair. I am curling up in my comfiest clothing. I’m even watching rom-com’s and swooning at the guys. 🙂 (Daddy giggles at me when I do). I’m feeling Little/Middle, and playful as I honor the whimsical, tender-hearted woman she is…. and it feels good.
Likewise, I am also honoring Sushant. I am watching his Bollywood films. I’ve made 4 pots of curry (to date) over the past weekend alone and swooned with every bite. I am celebrating his life as a person who seized it all, and spread loving-kindness to those around him.
IV. Things Your Dominant Can Do to Help:
In this space of grieving and healing, my Daddy has been (and will continue to be) monumental in helping me move through this chapter. If you are going through a tough time, there are ways that your dominant can help you deal with grief. Begin by listening to your submissive. You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t even need to give them advice about life. Just allow them to talk, grieve, remember, cry, rant, and move through the emotions as they bubble up. Listen to them. Really listen. Demonstrate that you’re there as a steady anchor in the storm. Then, give plenty of physical touch. The power of a hug during a hard time is largely impactful. Physical touch allows your sub to remember that they aren’t alone in their grief.
If it resonates with you, pray or meditate together. Whatever you believe in, grief allows us to turn towards spirituality for comfort. Hold hands together and make space for quiet prayer. This might also be a good time to discuss the afterlife together. It’s something we don’t ever usually talk about in the world of Cg/l. But you know what? All of us are aging. ❤ Even the most adorable Little out there is aging. Daddy and I sat snuggled up and shared our own personal viewpoints about “what happens next” after this life. We daydreamed about where my grandma was going. We prayed for his grandfather who has already passed on from his life, and it brought us both a sense of peace in our hearts.
I hope you all have a beautiful week. Thank you for reading this lengthy post all the way to the bottom. Know that it means a lot, and YOU mean a lot to me. Sending you positive vibes and big hugs, always.